Why do I feel so secluded? Was it psychedelics or society that molded me into th!

Is there's something else that's just not clear to me? Is the fact that i have a boyfriend making me feel so to myself? I hardly hang out with my friends anymore, I work all the time, I work on my passions (unfortunately still don't have my own place), I'm not going to school right now, I'm a 20 year old girl, don't know what to do and have trouble making decisions. I feel like the way I grew up really screwed up how I feel and act now. My parents divorced when I was way too young, my mom was always pissed and still is and that itself makes me an angry person... when in reality all I want is to be happy. We clash too much. My boyfriend and I clash even more... as of recently... Like what is going on? I don't know how to communicate my feelings entirely... I always have a feeling of just closing my eyes and having it all go away. & be in peace................ but my boyfriend pressures me to open up which in turn makes me actually just really self conscious and uncomfortable ...and makes me quiet. I used to be so much more outspoken but now i just feel like I can't discuss as much without feeling weird or sometimes I even say things that don't make sense to anyone but me and my boyfriend is just extremely critical because he sees it all and catches it all. He's always paying attention to every detail and remembers it all. I forget everything... or at least a lot of stuff. & he tells me it's because I don't care about anything. And i beg to differ. I feel weak against him. & he is entirely aware of it. We drain each other out because we can't comprehend each other at the same level/same page. I wish we connected better and I know it's possible... i just need help finding the missing ...ingredient? something. I just want to forget my entire past and move forward but I'm having a hard time gathering confidence and just focusing... especially on my passions. I almost just want to quit my job and put all my energy and focus into my passions... Does anyone feel this way too or have any ADVICE THAT I HAVEN'T HEARD YET? I NEED SOMETHING PROFOUND. I know that may sound harsh or demanding but I don't know what the hell to do with myself... i feel connected to everything/universe one second but when someone throws me off I get all off balance, I get confused and don't know what to think or do in those moments. I am the type to get so easily distracted to the point of where I will totally forget the very last thing i was even thinking and can't ever remember it without someone keeping me on track. I feel "out of it" a lot of the times... I've done psychedelics, which have forever changed me and they're not just "drugs" so please, if you haven't ever tried them, this may just sound like "I'm crazy" or that talking about psychedelics is just like talking about any other drug. I don't do any drugs at all anymore. I don't feel the need for them, but psychedelics are medicine. The problem is that OUR SOCIETY IS ALL MESSED UP. It runs on waste and trends and I think about this stuff all the time... it's not good... but I suppose it's good to be aware of these things. I just really wish everyone felt connected to everything else... it'd be a beautiful experience. But with the way things are going... i just feel entirely alienated right now in my life. I almost feel like the only way i would feel more comfortable was if I just 'acted' normal again... hence the phrase "ignorance is bliss". ha. It's F-ed up. This isn't just my ego speaking. That's why I'm f-ing confused, because I feel connected yet disconnected. I want to help and be there and love people and especially the closest ones to me... but there's also a part of me that just wants... to.be.alone. I feel selfish at times but I don't want to feel like that, I just want to do good for everyone. I just hate how we're all "connected" yet we all feel so different... is it because we're all put into these stupid separate bodies? Therefore that gives us this image of "oh, this is me. this is who i am." when in REAL ITY, we're all made of the same stuff. stardust. everything here on earth has come from everything else ever created in the cosmos. Like, I wish i could talk to everyone openly about this sh!t... not talk about football or fashion. I'm an artist and a musician. But i need to really live this dream. If anyone is willing to help, please feel free.

Thank you.

P.S. If any of you are into astrology, and I mean passionately into astrology - this is for you: I am a Libra & my boyfriend is a Pisces. Yes, I know. Intensity is one of the key words between us.