Does an Osteopathic Bum-Pinch Cure Malaria?!

Amused readers of a certain osteopath's periodic rants may wonder what it is exactly that UK-trained osteopaths do, since UK-trained osteopaths are prevented by law from applying the armamentum of modern medicine to cure diseases. He'd rather not get into the details. In fact, there's very little UK-trained osteopaths can do. Some dramatic arm swivels, a massage here, a bum-pinch there. That's about it.

UK-trained Osteopathic training is so brief and trivial (a five year course on weekends) they are not allowed to order lab tests, nor prescribe medicine, nor do surgery. The amusing osteopath himself left Secondary School at the age of 16 with no A levels, and obviously took no Secondary Level Science classes. The minimum entrance requirements of UK-based Schools of Osteopathy lie somewhere below the requirements for Physiotherapy students, but above those of Poultry Technicians.

Here's what the bearers of the UK Osteopathic Stillian Tradition might do about treating Malaria:

[From Still, on cause of Malaria] "The heat of the sun...is being poured upon the human body...and I think this exhausts the nerves of the spine that they may become relaxed and give way...Carpenters...very often have malaria because they are much exposed to the rays of the sun directly on their backs...As to the mosquito being the...vaccinator of malarial poisons, such philosophy and reasoning is not accepted as demonstrated fact..For my observation of many years I have come to the conclusion known as malaria is the effect of such a general contraction of the structures of the body as will interfere with the entire excretory system".

[From Still, on Osteopathic Treatment of Malaria]: "The treatment which I have used successfully for thirty-five years in chills and fever or malaria has been to adjust the lumbar vertebrae which are humped up and posterior almost making a rainbow in shape. When the patient is a man I generally treat him in the lumbar region while he is standing up, placing him with his face and breast against the jamb of a door. I set my knee on the upper part of the sacrum, hold that firmly then place my hands on his shoulders. I draw him backwards then make a few moves to the right and the left in order to adjust the sacrum to its normal articulation and take the pressure off the renal system.

After this I set my patient on an ordinary chair and stand in front of him then I pass my hand under his arms clear back to the spinous process in the region of the eighth dorsal vertebra. While in that position I pull that part of the body up and toward me and continue this work up the dorsal region till I know that the vertebrae are all in correct line and the ribs in their natural articulations. I adjust all the bones of the neck because I wish to relieve the congestion of the cerebellum, medulla and all the nerves above the diaphragm...
With this system of treating I have had complete success, recovery following in all cases in a very few days and improvement taking place from the very hour of the first treatment. I treat once or twice a day at first, then I have my patient come to me about twice a week. This I have found to be sufficient".


USA-educated Osteopathic Physicians long ago left behind osteopathic absurdity, and today mostly practice normal evidence-based medicine. UK-trained osteopaths, OTOH, who see themselves as the only true believers in Stillian Osteopathic Mumbo-Jumbo, are still at it...

Given that osteopathic treatment is ridiculous, how is it that UK-trained osteopaths have the gall to demand respect for themselves as "primary care practitioners"?