How can I help us resolve this??!
Question: The guy I'm interested in has been interested me for a long time, but is now extremely defensive due to the way I've reacted to his overtures in the past. On the other hand, I'm the same way due to an incident in my past. So, what happens every time is that he makes an attempt and I get scared or irritated. Then he sees that I'm irritated and backs off for awhile, then the process starts all over.
This weekend, I was determined to settle it and asked him what he'd meant by a comment from the week before, and he said he was just kidding when he obviously wasn't. (It was a clear cut comment, and if he'd just been honest about what he meant we would both have our "answer.") But, I'm encouraged both that he didn't back off as much as usual and that I actually asked him what he meant. So, maybe now's a good time to press the issue.
How can I make him comfortable enough to try again and keep myself from putting the worst possible spin on his words and actions "in the moment"?
Answers: The guy I'm interested in has been interested me for a long time, but is now extremely defensive due to the way I've reacted to his overtures in the past. On the other hand, I'm the same way due to an incident in my past. So, what happens every time is that he makes an attempt and I get scared or irritated. Then he sees that I'm irritated and backs off for awhile, then the process starts all over.
This weekend, I was determined to settle it and asked him what he'd meant by a comment from the week before, and he said he was just kidding when he obviously wasn't. (It was a clear cut comment, and if he'd just been honest about what he meant we would both have our "answer.") But, I'm encouraged both that he didn't back off as much as usual and that I actually asked him what he meant. So, maybe now's a good time to press the issue.
How can I make him comfortable enough to try again and keep myself from putting the worst possible spin on his words and actions "in the moment"?
Why don't you try initiating? I know it's hard to sometimes (especially when the past gets in the way) but it might be a good way to let him know that you are interested. Outside of that try talking to him about why you react in a certain way and then maybe start some therapy to get to the root of the problem and try to resolve it. Remember to keep talking to each other and to keep working on it, it will get better. Also remember that you are equal partners, you can't always expect him to initiate every time, he wants to know he's wanted to!