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Question: My father was murdered six years ago. My family has been through counseling jointly, which scraped the surface of issues. My three sibling, mother and I are coping fairly well considering. However my oldest brother is not handling things well still. He's progressively drinking more and more, which only feeds his anger. He's acting out to the point that I don't know what to do. Our father was killed in the top of the North Tower on 9/11. We all still deal with this daily, but for him it feels like he never can even find the positive moments on a daily basis. He's not a drunk, at least not before this. He has seriously taken on my father's death as his own. Please help with advice. I know this is heavy, but I'm in tears regularly trying to deal with this.
Answers: My father was murdered six years ago. My family has been through counseling jointly, which scraped the surface of issues. My three sibling, mother and I are coping fairly well considering. However my oldest brother is not handling things well still. He's progressively drinking more and more, which only feeds his anger. He's acting out to the point that I don't know what to do. Our father was killed in the top of the North Tower on 9/11. We all still deal with this daily, but for him it feels like he never can even find the positive moments on a daily basis. He's not a drunk, at least not before this. He has seriously taken on my father's death as his own. Please help with advice. I know this is heavy, but I'm in tears regularly trying to deal with this.
I am so sorry to hear this. I am a fellow NY'r. I live in the suburbs. My son, however, works in the city. I was so afraid for him and the country.
I remember 9/11 as if it was yesterday. Seeing it happen on the news before my eyes, then smelling the smoke. I was traumatized and suffered close to a year. I received help from a psychiatrist who said it was post traumatic stress syndrome.
I am sure what your brother and family have experienced is a million times worse.
I am glad the rest of you are coping well, but I feel for your brother. Please have him see a doctor - preferably a psychiatrist who can prescribe medication while he works through this. He can be helped and made to feel whole again.
Do whatever you can to get him to see the doc. If he fights it, say, 'go just one time please - for me'. That might work if he's reluctant.
Hang in there. I know he can find peace with help.
You seriously need to get him some help. I cannot even imagine what he is going thru. But if you let him continue on without any help, trust me, he will get worse and you might lose him as well.
Talk this over with your own therapist because it is stressing you out so much. Try to get your brother to go to counseling too because it sounds like he really needs it. If he won't go, you have to realize that at some point, it is out of your control. You cannot make him stop drinking or get help. Love and support him (but don't enable his drinking), and you'll jsut have to wait until he wants the help.
First, I am sorry for your tragedy. No matter what the circumstances, people deal, or don't deal, with death in their own way. Murder and other sudden forms of death can be the most difficult to deal with. Unfortunately, there is not much that you can do for your brother. He has not found a way to deal with your dad's death and is using alcohol as a way to numb the pain, not realizing that it's probably making it worse. The best you can do for your brother is suggest counseling, AA, and just don't give up on him! Again, I'm sorry for you and your family. Your dad's murder has changed your family forever, whether or not your brother stops drinking. I wish you luck.
First of all, you need to support him all that you can. You also need to try and get him some help. Talk to him. Ask him to explain to you how he is feeling, and why he is drinking so much. Talk. talk talk. That is what your brother needs, support. Secondly, you need to worry about yourself, and your own problems. Deal with those first, then him second.,
with the help of a counselor, have a family intervention and try convincing him to get into a AA program or something similar before he gets too far out of hand.
Forget the therapy. Yet. You don't know which problems are his and which belong to the booze and which belong to 911, "till he quits drinking. AA
Is there a grief support group in your area? Your brother may not go, but that doesn't mean you can't. You can't do anything for him until he is ready. Take care of yourself now.
Don't give up! He may come around yet. But, if he doesn't, don't let that stop you from living your life.