Complicated question, sound emo, bit long, anyone up for a challenge?!
Question: After going through so many bad things in my youth (poverty, bullied, abuse, etc), I managed to cut off all ties and start over. During these bad times, I also lost my faith in God (used to be a Christian) along the way.
One thing that i have been trying to change is that I have become over-analytical and distrustful of people so tend to stay away from any long-term friendship.
Another thing that I am trying to change is that i am full of hate. I still feel the hate and pain from my past so vividly that sometimes it overflows. I also can't feel guilt or remorse so if I did something wrong i don't feel anything.
My bestfriend asked me why he can't convince me to become a Christian and I after thinking a while i said "it's because if you went through too much pain in your life sometimes the darkness will take over you heart". It is because i don't feel anything like i used to when i was a kid.
So my question is, what do you suggest or can advice me so that i become normal?
Answers: After going through so many bad things in my youth (poverty, bullied, abuse, etc), I managed to cut off all ties and start over. During these bad times, I also lost my faith in God (used to be a Christian) along the way.
One thing that i have been trying to change is that I have become over-analytical and distrustful of people so tend to stay away from any long-term friendship.
Another thing that I am trying to change is that i am full of hate. I still feel the hate and pain from my past so vividly that sometimes it overflows. I also can't feel guilt or remorse so if I did something wrong i don't feel anything.
My bestfriend asked me why he can't convince me to become a Christian and I after thinking a while i said "it's because if you went through too much pain in your life sometimes the darkness will take over you heart". It is because i don't feel anything like i used to when i was a kid.
So my question is, what do you suggest or can advice me so that i become normal?
First of all you have to open your mind if you REALLY want to change. Change doesn't come on *your* own terms, but I guess you should know that by now since -by what I can tell from your question- YOUR WAY of trying to shed your excess baggage hasn't been succesful at all, has it?
Your frame of mind has to be completely receptive to try ANY kind of help, be that psychiatry (sorry, I had to mention it: deal with it) or feng-shui.
Please understand that "normal" is myth, all we can aspire to be is functional. To meet our most elevated needs (check out Maslow's hierarchy of needs, link below) we must meet our basic ones, it's only tried and true logic. So, to attempt functionality we must tend to our needs as human beings, somewhat we lose track of what they are, therefore thowing everything off-balance.
Your distrust of people seems to me as a shield since in yourself you recognize a deeply sensitive person (e.g. a sociopath do not need a shield of over-analysis, they just don't give a sh*t). This attitude takes a lot of time and introspection to change, but I believe you're ahead on that one, you already have identified the problem AND the root of the problem, so you're much more ahead than you think. Paradoxically, people with distrust of closeness end up being "managed" or driven by people who WILL take advantage of you.
People (friends, lovers, family members) are NOT perfect, but so what? Neither are you! Of course that no one will live up to OUR impossible expectations of behavior; do you think YOU live up to someone else's expectations of what to be or how to act? Do you think you should? Oscar Wilde said it best: "Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live". Think about this. Now, true friends are few and far-between and yes, they're full of flaws, but they WILL be there when you need them, either to take you out for a beer or comfort you in the most troublesome times. But most of all, try the joy of giving yourself utterly and completely into a relationship (friend or lover), that way, if things sour up (sometimes, despite the best of intentions, they just do), you'll be left with the feeling that: "Hey, I gave my all. Someone didn't appreciate, and guess what? That's THEIR problem... But at least I won't be haunted with the most terrible "ghost" of all: Regret...Next!" Do NOT allow regret to come into your life. Life is finite, there's only so much you can do to remedy regret before your time is up. And, contrary to popular belief, you don't regret what you do, you only regret what you didn't do.
While choosing or keeping your friends, I'll quote Oscar Wilde again: "A true friend stabs you in the front", that's basically all there's to it. Think about this quote, it's short but it speaks volumes about our human condition and you'll get to the conclusion that it's actually a pretty optimistic view on human relationships
Hate from your past is also a remedy you must help concoct yourself (you do need help with the ingredients and the recipe though *lol*). The good thing about hate is that we have power over it, it's just a question of reclaiming that power. Basically it's energy going down the wrong channel, hate destroys and -frankly- it sucks the life out of you and leaves nothing for all your efforts. It can be changed though to a constructive way, but, then again it takes work, but at least you'll have something for your efforts (ahhh peace of mind). "Darkness" doesn't take over anything if you don't allow it to.
About religion, you know what? Your understanding with a "higher power" (excuse the AA jargon, but the word "God" seems to middle-america), specially Christ (since you make referrence to him) is yours and yours alone. You don't have to subscribe to any religion or church. Just be clear that what it's all about is love and forgiveness, everything else is mumbo-jumbo. We human beings are designed to love and forgive, but we seem to lose sight of this design when life throws us curve balls (and we suck at batting *lol). But it's there, You'll rediscover faith in your own terms through TRUE introspection, and other people can kiss you a** if they have a problem with this. Oh, and FYI: It's rare that a true intelligent, philosophical person feels the same way about religion as they did when they where kids...(Hell, screw intelligent, even moronic people don't feel the same way *lol), with age and experience we tend to lose the knack for magical though we had when we where kids, it's as natural as finding out that Santa Claus doesn't exist.
Finally, as tough and heartless as it sounds: Life owes you NOTHING. The sooner you get this into your head, the quicker you'll become functional and at ease. When sh*tty things happen, that doesn't mean that good things will follow, this is not a game when you'll eventually get your turn because you got dealt a bad "hand". I've found out that it is not in the occurrence, it's in the way you deal with the occurrence that growth happens. Sometimes you REALLY surprise yourself...positively. I always thought I'd be the person to run away and zone out when the going got tough, I never really had bad things happen to me, I lived a charmed and sheltered existence. Guess what? Sh*t REALLY started to happen (I mean death, illness, heartbreak...even sudden unemployment for God's sake. And all in oh around 6 months). And I discovered that I have the ability to roll with the punches and step-up to the situation with strength. To do what needed to be done, when it needed to be done and without hesitation...and it came naturally, that was so amazing to me.
How can you become "normal": Own your pain, make it work for you not against you, make it build your character not destroy it. Accept that you need help, REAL help, and get it! There's NO shame in that; there IS shame however in knowing that you have a problem, knowing that there are an ever expanding array of effective tools available to fix it, and NOT taking them. Now *THAT* would be entirely your fault.
You DO need help, sorry to mention it but give psychiatry a shot, it's all in the rapport with your shrink, they're like a pair of shoes, if one doesn't fit, try another until you find the one you feel comfotable with; don't be a baby about it, tantrums don't look good on adults anymore.
If you're dead-set on NO SHRINKS, then I'd suggest Yoga and Meditation. Go to a good eastern philosphy center near you (if you can find one, there ARE also great reading and multimedia resources and materials that you can easily get on amazon.com, unfortunately I'm not an expert on the multimedia experience so I wouldn't feel confident recommending specifics to you, but it's pretty easy with trustworthy editorial and rating systems available -at least on Amazon-, or you can ask another question here on Answers) and try this. It's must cheaper than a shrink and you'll discover, with NO pressure and at YOUR own pace, the peace of mind that you're looking for.
Lots of love and good luck!
I know you said you didn't want a shrink recommended but you should talk to someone.
Really talking about it and getting those root issues out and dealt with will help you move on and be able to trust people.
Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to but in the long run it will really help out.
sounds like all you need is a stedy relationship! trust me that can help you get out of your negetive thinking state! but you gotta find the right one! which is hard. . . . (for some people) but go for it! belive it or not women have that much influence over man. It just sounds like you've never been loved or cared for so its time to change that! go find yourself a nice bf or gf!? that should do the trick! trust! ALL you need is LOVE! cheer up! theres better dayz ahead! dotn bring the past into the present move on with your life! one day at a time! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!! 2008!!!!!
you already know that what you went though was not fun. wouldn't it be a great place to start , to try to prevent these things from happening to others? the words "god works in myserious ways" he may have been trying to make you stronger so that you could help others in the same situations.you need to build on the pain that was yours in the past. the problem with all of us when it comes to god is, we think that he should answer our prayers the way we think he should . god has a bigger plan and his answers may be very different from ours.
You know, I was the exact same way until earlier this year. I hated people, I was very cynical, and I have held so much hate for my past that it is rediculous. One day I just realized how much of my life I was missing out on. I haven't completely changed. I still don't trust people as far as I could throw them, I am struggling with my faith....As far as the hate from my past, I finally decided that although I can never forget, if I wanted to stop being so miserable, I had to learn to forgive, at least to enough of a degree to get on with my life. And though I still don't trust people, I know that there are some good people in the world, and those are the ones I seek out and keep close. One thing I have learned, is that because I spent so much of my life watching and not jumping in, and because of my distrust, my judgement of people is very good. Sorry if this doesn't help, but all I can say is that if you want to become "normal", you have to allow some part of yourself to let go.
If you've really managed to cut off all ties, and start over...
just seriously start over.
The trust issue you have is going to be your biggest hurdle,
but you can't learn to walk without crawling first.
Try to trust, go with the flow. & don't pre-judge...
take your trust issues as a per person basis.
Sounds like me. All you can do trust that God has you where he wants you to be. Be strong. Laugh a lot. Keep going.
Christianity teaches forgivness and love..u gave up the 1 good thing that was good in your life...It sounds like u want to hold on to hate.. The only thing u can do is to change your heart.
Perhaps you need to find a motivation in life. Try taking a long vocation away from everyone to new places. When you reach your destination, keep in your mind that you are away from everyone you ever knew or know. Then, start spending your day absolutely opposite of what you would normally do. Talk to random people, dance in the beach, smile all the time. When you return you will probably realize how much better it is to be the opposite of who you are and start changing. One other advise I would give you is try to find a "hobby", something that you are good at and want to be the best (eg. sports, collection, etc) and achieve this goal of being the best at it.
I don't know man, I am not a psychiatrist but think about this. Life is short, have fun with it.
You need to identify if you're a negative person by choice or if you have taken steps to change your outlook but can't. If you're not in control of your emotions or attitudes, you should seek professional counsel (not a psychologist perse, a regular family doctor might be able to help).
Something that worked for me was focusing my energy on the positive aspects of my life. Any time I would think of something negative, I would consciously tell myself that I don't want to think that way, and try to come up with something positive about the situation. Eventually your patterns of thinking will change. Anything can become habitual with practice.
As far as finding faith, I wish you luck. I agree that it's very difficult to believe in God when you feel like you're really had a rotten go of things. Personally I've never been particularly religious, but I did go through a phase that abruptly ended when I felt like God had simply abandoned me. I'm at a point now where I don't have strong feelings one way or the other (not athiest, more like agnostic). Although it seems to me that religious people seem to be happier than their non-religious counterparts... Anyway, I'm getting into the habit of thanking God once or twice a day whenever I'm struck by how blessed I am. (It's nice not to take things for granted...I feel less like a selfish b*tch.) So, if I miss all the red lights on the way to work, I look at the sky and say "Thank you." Or if the hot water in my shower lasts 5 minutes longer than it normally does, I look at my ceiling and say "Thank you." It seems to make me happy, even if it doesn't really hold too deep of a significance for me.
Good luck.
Your will find the answers to many of your thoughts and feelings on a website called
www.HerLifeByDesign.com
There are 2 pieces you should read that are posted on the website. One is called The Awakening, which many people across the world claim has helped to transform their lives.
The second is & Finding Faith at Ground Zero.
In closing know this .... your today does not have to be your tommorrow.
Best wishes for a new year.
You are normal. You're a normal reaction to a messed up situation. You've got to realize that you're not starting over with a pure, clean slate. You're starting over a little damaged because of your past. You're angry and you still hold resentment to those people who caused you so much pain.
In order to get out of the state you're in, you have to forgive all the people that hurt you. If you don't, you'll carry that resentment with you the rest of your life, and it will seep over into everything you do, in every aspect. You forgive other people for yourself, so *you* can look at life unskewed. You need it. Remember, forgiving does not mean forgetting. It just means that you're tired of carrying all those memories around with you, with everything you do and everywhere you go. Not forgiving is the same as letting someone else's actions dictate your own thoughts and actions. Be a leader.
Next, forgive yourself for holding onto all that hatred, and disallowing yourself to grow into the person you know you can be. And that you *want* for yourself.
You also need to realize that you cannot control the actions of other people. If you're going to be close to someone, you have to open up and let them do or say whatever they will. And you will learn whether or not they are worth your time. It's better to find out early on if someone really cares for you, than to waste years on them and drag it out.
The religion and spirituality is really all up to you. But if the only reason you gave up on God was because some bad things happened to you, I beg you to reconsider. For every bad experience you went through, you learned something and grew stronger for it. You need to focus on the strengths you now have. I think you feel more betrayed and hurt by God than the possibility of losing your faith. Do not allow your friend to shove you into something you're not ready for, or you don't want. Try to determine whether he's just trying to help you, or convert you. There's a difference, and if he is trying to help, please appreciate it as it shows that he cares.
The reason why you don't feel anything like you used to as a kid is because you are now mature enough to deal with your problems. Our brains do not allow us to deal with our past issues until we are able to sort it all out. We cannot even fathom to complete that as a child. We are protecting ourselves. That's why a lot of mental problems start to surface in people as young adults, like bipolarism and post-traumatic stress disorder.
Life is a long journey of learning. You can learn from everything you do or say. Sometimes outside factor are involved in what happens to us, but we are still in control of what we do with it, and how we react. Every, single, tiny decision we make affects the outcome of who we are in the end. Keep a journal or goals and obstacles. You may discover the negative thoughts that are hindering what you want to change. You can stay behind that door, afraid of what may be on the other side, constantly living in fear- OR- you can walk through and have some good days.