What can I do to help my 77 year old dad?!
Question: My dad is a good person, but he is a very negative thinker and a worrier. He lives out of state and his wife has left him several times. She left him again on New Year's Eve. When I ask my dad if he wants my husband and I to come and see him he gets very adamant and says no. He really means it too. I ask if I can help him in any way and he says I can make his funeral arrangements. (He is not physically ill). I am his only daughter and only child. He has no brothers or sisters. He never calls me. He never has except on my birthday. I feel bad for him. He has tried anxiety medicines and depression medicines. He has never tried counseling and will not consider it. Any suggestions?
Answers: My dad is a good person, but he is a very negative thinker and a worrier. He lives out of state and his wife has left him several times. She left him again on New Year's Eve. When I ask my dad if he wants my husband and I to come and see him he gets very adamant and says no. He really means it too. I ask if I can help him in any way and he says I can make his funeral arrangements. (He is not physically ill). I am his only daughter and only child. He has no brothers or sisters. He never calls me. He never has except on my birthday. I feel bad for him. He has tried anxiety medicines and depression medicines. He has never tried counseling and will not consider it. Any suggestions?
I realize this is immensely hard to witness a loved one go through and it can easily consume you because of how much you love the person but please listen: No one can cause another person to change their way of thinking unless that person is receptive to hear what the other is saying and able to admit that they need help or need to change their ways. It sounds to me like your Dad is resistant to getting help. I don't know what has happened to him to cause him to be this way but please know for your own sanity that: It is not up to you to save him, he has to do that for himself. It is not your responsibility to ensure his happiness, he has to do that for himself. His misery comes from within himself and came from how he has internalized his life and the problems he has had. Imagine how you would feel living with someone like him in a love relationship. If this is truly how he is all of the time I am sure he was sucking lifes happiness out of his wife and she had to make a choice for her own happiness. My point with that is.....it is up to each person to make their life happy or miserable and no one, not you, not his wife can change him....he has to do that for himself and I truly pray that he will. Realize that you should be there for him but you have to set boundaries for yourself or his misery will become your misery and that is not fair to you and you absolutely do not deserve that. Don't take responsibility for things that do not belong to you and remember you must set boundaries. You can suggest he go and see his doctor or a counselor but if he refuses to do so, or stops taking medication, or takes his medicatio without doing any type of emotional work to change his ways along with the medication then so be it, its his decision. Set your boundaries.
My best to you and your Dad.
Pray for him.
Wow......has he always been this way, or could this be dementia setting in?
If he won't consider counseling, then I would say pray for him.
I'll keep him and you in my prayers.....
Don't know how far you are away from your dad, but you need to visit him. Maybe you should go alone and chat with him and get a feel for the situation. Then you and your husband should make regular visits. They don't have to be weekly or anything, but he needs to have that to look forward to. He might just need someone to unload on. If he is religious, talk to his minister and arrange for him to visit with you pad periodically. He sounds more lonely than anything else. If you think he might not be physically well after your visit, contact his doctor. Hook him up with the local senior center. Encourage him to go on line and find something to do that he is interested in. Have him take a good multi-vitamin every day. Good luck.
He is who he is and after all these years he isn't looking to make any changes. Let him be. He knows how to survive. It is what keeps him going. Keep in touch and always let him know how much you love him. One of these days he won't be around anymore. Don't expect him to want to change after he has been this way all these years. Just accept him the way he is and love him accordingly.
it's sad but there is nothing you can do. talk to him and tell him you would like to be closer and if he needs anything you are there for him. if you can talk to his wife and try and find out if this is normal behavior for him, if it is nothing new you can do nothing. people don't get better they age worse. i know you feel helpless and guilty for not being able to work some magic here,don't. good luck
It's hard to help people who don't want help.
If your father doesn't want you to visit, then you have to respect that. Obviously from his statement to you about his funeral, he is feeling very angry about his situation at the present time. However telling you that all you can do is to arrange his funeral is extremely passive-aggressive behaviour. Your father feels hurt and is lashing out accordingly. Give him space. If his wife has left him before and returned, then she may again. He's probably waiting to see what happens.
Unfortunately, not all parents end up having a close relationship with their children, and the boundaries of relationships change when children become adults. If your father has never had a particularly close relationship with you, then it may be hard to change the dynamics now. If your father has had other relationships that have been dysfunctional in some way, then perhaps his ability to develop close, lasting relationships is limited.
You cannot force your father into counselling, but you can see a counsellor to gain further insight into your relationship with your father. This should give you some reassurance.
Good luck.