Serious question about mourning?!
Question: I know a person cannnot fully "get over" a person who has died, but there has to be an aspect of moving on...right?
I'm 19 and my mom died when I was 13. I could write pages upon pages of how messed up our relationship was (she was abusive), yet how close we were. We even slept in the same bed since her and my dad were separated at the time. The death was unexpected.
Since that time I believe I "repressed" or whatever you call that...her death. I simply don't think of her, don't adknowledge that she even existed. I avoid thinking of her so much it's exhausting.
When I do allow myself a bit of time to think of her the pain becomes overwhelming that I literally feel like dying. So I quickly forget her again and move on with my life.
How do I move on past her death? Do I have to confront my feelings about her, or is repressing them healthy? How can I face those thoughts? The very idea hurts me deep inside...I can't think of her and live a normal life.
Thanks.
Answers: I know a person cannnot fully "get over" a person who has died, but there has to be an aspect of moving on...right?
I'm 19 and my mom died when I was 13. I could write pages upon pages of how messed up our relationship was (she was abusive), yet how close we were. We even slept in the same bed since her and my dad were separated at the time. The death was unexpected.
Since that time I believe I "repressed" or whatever you call that...her death. I simply don't think of her, don't adknowledge that she even existed. I avoid thinking of her so much it's exhausting.
When I do allow myself a bit of time to think of her the pain becomes overwhelming that I literally feel like dying. So I quickly forget her again and move on with my life.
How do I move on past her death? Do I have to confront my feelings about her, or is repressing them healthy? How can I face those thoughts? The very idea hurts me deep inside...I can't think of her and live a normal life.
Thanks.
Firstlly, i would like to say that i'm really sorry for the death of your mother at such an early age and i am sad that your relationship with her was not great.
In answer to your question, some people can't "move on" when someone so close dies, but instead their memory of this person spurs them on in life. Unfortunately, repressing your feelings is not a healthy thing and you will have to face those feelings sooner rather than later. I know some people would say go see a councellor, but i would say that if you can find someone really close, like a friend or relative, to simply empty your heart out to, it would be better (at least that's what i think). You could also seek someone religious, whatever religion you believe in, i am sure they will be there to help. It will probably be the hardest thing you will ever do, but those feelings are much better out than in...after all, how much will your heart be able to carry, you have a long life ahead of you. Have you tried writing a blog? or having a pen friend abroad? They may sound ridiculous, but if you can't speak to someone face to face about your feelings, you may be better off writing anonymously.
Also, you say that you can't think of your mum and live a normal life, yet from what little i see on YA, you seem to be better than normal! Some of your questions and answers are very intelligent AND you say that you are going to college!! these are all very positive things considering the fact that you have lived without a mother or father throughout your teenage years. A huge number of teenagers with a mother and father have failed to achieve what you have acheived!
I sincerely wish you ALL THE BEST OF LUCK, and i will pray for God to help you get through this!
take care!
you should see a counselor
my ex gf had the same prob... eventually u have to confront those feelings no matter how painful they r and will b... when my ex did she broke down and dumped me but now she is doing really great, but had a few months of pain and confusion... also talk to a professional that cant hurt
Seeing a counselor would probably be a good move - and not because you're damaged or crazy... but just because it sounds like you need to talk about it.
I often find that simply talking about hurts, especially deep hurts that are buried under some scar tissue, can help to get you to where you need to be in terms of fixing it. Counselors are good because they're trained to listen and offer no judgement - sometimes it's hard to find that kind of listener in a friend.
There's no magic answer for how to get "over" a lost parent, because everyone is different and has different needs. Communicating about it, rehashing it, setting it out on the table to look at it in a safe, trusting environment can be the key to unraveling it or at least soothing the pain a little.
there are counselors everywhere!! that may not be the answer u wanted but it's obvious you cannot fix this by yourself & their is no shame in that ! I'm sorry you lost your mum @ such a young tender age. But a grief counselor is what you need !! DO NOT put yourself in any harm!
i know this prob. isnt what you want to hear but their are people out their who have based their lives on helping people like you move on after losing a loved one. their is no way you can get through this with out facing her death head on instead of trying to skate around it.
There are many ways to grieve and it is important that you do. As a child you were unaware that the loss was so profound and now as you are maturing you realize a mother -even a bad one- is a good thing to have. I lost my mother 16 years ago and at first it was very hard and somedays I wish I could call and ask for her advice. We weren't close but I had hopes it would change - then she died and now it never will. It does get better and the pain lessens but losing a parent is something that lingers. I have lost friends and acquaintances and it was not as difficult. It may help to write a journal of all the good things you can remember about her and if you think it will help a counselor at a women's center may be good. If you attend church your clergy can be very helpful and supportive. Just know it is OK to grieve and to miss her so much as you mature and you realize she will never see you married or a mother yourself. In order to move forward you must reconcile that you cannot change what is but can only accept it. Good Luck!
I am sorry for your loss, but you have to let yourself grieve over your mother. I would go up to the mountains and rent a little place with someone you are close with and just let it all out. you need to scream at her for leaving you, say all the things that you feel.., and then tell her you miss her and you really need her in your life......
She will hear you. Besides you, she cares the most that you let her go by telling her how lonely and hurt you are. But then you have to keep her in your heart forever. It is neither your fault or her fault that she died.
Free yourself of this weight. I am serious, you have to get it out, and stop shoving thoughts of her aside. Let yourself feel the life of her spirit, which will always be close to you.
God Bless. Maybe the ocean is a better healing place for you. You will find the right place. I wish you the best in life. When you have a child of your own, you will come to realize exactly how deep your mother's love for you was.
i lost my mom at 20. i'm sorry for your loss. i understand what it is like to "suppress" your feelings, but don't allow yourself to do this. it will not benefit you and may actually even drive you into depression. i was not close to my mom for many years due to her having a mental problem and she would become abusive when she was having one of her "moments" but did eventually start to forgive her and even love her when i was 19. it wasn't enough time. she died unexpectedly in mine and my sisters arms. i slept with the lights on in my house for 2 years because whenever it got dark i saw it over and over again. do not allow yourself to get like that. please. go see a counselor and just talk. u will get better, never over losing her, but it will get better. please, for you and your mom, just go talk to someone. i promise it will help.
i think of her every day. that will never go away. but my thoughts now are happier ones. i still miss her horribly but after talking with someone i can live my life even though she is gone. please do this too.
You can only repress your feelings for so long and then they will come spilling out. Talking with a counselor(or clergy) is a great place to start.
Other ways to express your grief include writing, making a scrap book, finding a way to honor your mom's memory and your feelings such as volunteering..
The most important thing is to take a step forward.
"Confused", first know that its normal to feel the way you do.
The pain you feel is not because you ignored her death, or because you're trying to repress her memories. Everybody loves their parents, its an unconditional feeling. There is a word in latin as well as portuguese called "saudade", in no other language you'll find this word. Even the translation is hard to be explained. Dictionaries will translate it as missing some one, however it actually means something along the lines of the feeling of: loving someone so badly and knowing or feeling that you'll never feel them or see them again. However abusive, your mother was you love her, and you always will no fighting that. The best you can do is remember her as the person that you love, not the person you hate. The next and probably best thing you can do is become the woman your mother would've wanted you to become, successful, happy..., so you need to go out there and enjoy life.
something that helps more than most people give credit is sports, i recommend swimming or brazilian jiu-jitsu, cycling or track. all of these sports are sports that you can do without any interaction with other people, when you feel up to it you should try team sports, softball or basketball, however do give a try at brazilian jiu-jitsu, its a very close personal sport that will help you get over these feelings, as well as help you bond with other people.
Most important time heals all wounds...
maybe write in a journal or computer file the positive memories... i think parents often try to do the appropriate things but sometimes given certain circumstances and context in time of events the child may get caught up in some of the drama and emotional wreckage. Forgive her for possible mistakes and embrace the positive... thats all we can really do... Live your life having learned the positive & negative from her and not in her shadows... you are strong and experienced and by the way totally beautiful in the pic... have a great '08.
You need to grieve. Since you have sat on this for so long, I think it would be worth talking with a therapist to help you through this. Grieving takes a while. But your putting it off has probably complicated an already complicated task. Good luck.
You are going to have to accept that she is gone from you now. You must acknowledge that no matter what happened between you two, you still love her.
Losing people is hard, but life is still there for you and you can't let this destroy you.