How can i control my anxiety?!
Question: I have four children. They are all grown up ish and only the youngest lives at home. The problem is that i get so anxious when they are having problems. For example my 20 year old (lives with his girlfriend who also does not work) has not worked for years and recently my husband managed to get him a job with him. In the past 6 weeks he has been off four times. he switches his phone off so we dont know why. He has extensive money and relationship problems but if he looses his job he will be in an even worse position. My husband makes excuses for him at work when he doesnt appear but every morning i am sick with anxiety worrying if he has gone into work. i am almost scared to look at my phone and it ruins my day when he has not gone in.
how can i control this and stop being so affected. he always has excuses like he slept in, had no money for bus etc etc but i just wish he would grow up.
Answers: I have four children. They are all grown up ish and only the youngest lives at home. The problem is that i get so anxious when they are having problems. For example my 20 year old (lives with his girlfriend who also does not work) has not worked for years and recently my husband managed to get him a job with him. In the past 6 weeks he has been off four times. he switches his phone off so we dont know why. He has extensive money and relationship problems but if he looses his job he will be in an even worse position. My husband makes excuses for him at work when he doesnt appear but every morning i am sick with anxiety worrying if he has gone into work. i am almost scared to look at my phone and it ruins my day when he has not gone in.
how can i control this and stop being so affected. he always has excuses like he slept in, had no money for bus etc etc but i just wish he would grow up.
1) The problems of your children belong with your children...not you. They are old enough now to take responsibility for their own lives and actions. You want your children to grow up?...so stand back and let them be grown up. Taking the consequences of their own behaviour. Fixing their own problems. They make their beds, let them lie in them.
2) Maybe they are happy with the life they are living. it may not beyour choice but seriously if they were unhappy, they would change..
You have learned the valuable lesson of work and wise money management. I understand you want to teach your children the same. So stand back and let them learn. They may fall far and hard before the lesson is learned and when they hit the floor, they will have a loving mother who has every bit of confidence in them to help them pick up the pieces without the fear of hearing "i told you so!"
I am the same 4 children and always taking on there worry's its just you being a very good mum.But at your own health risk ,you will make yourself ill as i did ,its hard to do but start living they way you want to be selfish and sit and think what did i do for myself today your answer will probably be as mine was, nothing. you must change this.A doctor once ask me this what did you do for yourself today and i said nothing it made me cry how sad .Do change from today do at least one thing each day for yourself.My sympathy's are with you.
i will be looking for those who can answer your question without sarcasm because i need an appropriate answer myself. i too, have 4 children- all males, oldest almost 23 then 21, 18 and 9. my anxiety, i thought would lessen since i moved away to Singapore for my husbands job. in fact, it's worse! no jobs, no cars, no money, no food, etc. etc. we are still supporting two of them completely and my oldest lives in MA and nearly got killed riding his bike to work during a light snow flurry. i cant sleep sometimes and you cant just go out and buy a sleep aid in this country like back in the US. so please people..i know this isn't my question, but i can use the very same advice.
thanks for putting this out there, maybe there is help for both of us, after all.
You can love your children forever, but there comes a stage when you cannot manage their problems.
You and your husband has done everything you can for him - he is old enough to take responsibility now for his actions.
It sounds to me like he is not seeing any consequence to his actions, because either you or your husband keep covering for him.
Sometimes, as hard as this sounds, you need to let them fall in order to learn.
You have three other children to care for also and making yourself physically sick is not going to help anyone particularly yourself and your relationship with your husband.
Don't let your children's problems become your own.
Let your son learn his own lesson, then he will learn to appreciate you and your husband.
If the anxiety has become to a point where you can no longer manage it and it is impacting on your day to day living, consider going on medication to help. Believe me, I have been where you are.
I was able to be medicated for a period of time, see a pschologist to discuss my feelings and now I have learnt how to manage my feelings myself without any medication.
It doesn't have to be looked on as a permanent solution - this is not a permanent problem.
In fact it is only a problem for as long as you allow it to be.
Good luck, I truly hope you can take some of this onboard.
Take care of yourself first - you have earned it.
Is it your youngest which is at home and is the 20 year old?
If it is then why should you be having the worry of him, he is an adult now, and both you and your husband should tell him that it is his responsibility to support himself and his girlfriend. Tell him he has to find a place of his own to live, its time he stood on his own two feet. He will soon find out that if he doesn't get a job that he can't have the things he needs to live.
I know it hurts as a Mum, but you have to do it, otherwise you will be sponged on forever.He is not your responsibility anymore. I know I have been there, and one day woke up a smelled the coffee. You just have to let go!! I know when you love them it is hard, but it is making you feel bad. Sit him down and tell him as soon as possible.
If it is not the youngest who is doing this then the elder one is just being a bad influence to your youngest, and must still not be allowed to set this example to the younger one.
You have to be firm. In the end they will respect you for it. It has taken me 10 years before I got the respect and was told that I did the right thing, but at least I know now, as he has told me so.
Sorry this may not be what you want to hear but it is the truth.
Don't go on medication for this problem, it only masks things. You have to reason with yourself, and say that you are going to stay firm, and to take a deep breath each time you get an anxious feeling, then say that It is his responsibility now to care about being a responsible human being. You have done your bit of nurse maiding him.
You are entitled to have a life with your husband now. You can still tell your son that you will listen to problems, but you are not there to solve them for him. That is what being an adult is about, otherwise how will he learn lifes twists and turns if you continually solve the issues for him.
Go for it girl!!
You can write to me via answers if you want a listening ear.
Every child is different , your son has been an adult ,you have done everything what you could do for him .Sometimes ,children just do not have pleasure and dream ,one day they might know that and understand why their parents never give them up and threat them so well .But one day they will have their only life ,they might go to prison ,they might be a policeman ,they have their own life .Actually ,All children are difficult in their parents' view.Because parents care them too much . i do not think you can continue give your son any extra help ,if he does not want to be better.
You do not need to be anxious ,because that is useless. I do not want to say you should give up your son ,but he has grown up ,you should let him survive by himself .He can not wait for your help everyday .Bring up a child is so difficult and he has been over 20 .If he is a good boy ,i mean in moral, he should do what he has to do ,to shoulder his responsibility ,not just wait for helping .
I hope you and your son will be fine .
ok there appears to be many issues here -
1. you have to try and let go iof your children, they are grown up enough to make their mistakes and work through them with your advice
2. your own anxiety needs to be tackled - i suffered terribly with anxiety as i went through the menopause down to the hormone imbalance - my gp told me to worj through a book called 'Mind Over Mood' by Dennis Greenberger - i bought mine on ebay - but the library's usually hold these books too and you can even get them through prescription from most gp,s - its a different way of thinking - i did the first two stages and it helped immensely
3. my daughter is all grown up (30) with a family of her own - my son is coming up 14 - all of a sudden they are not so dependant on me - now i have to start looking out for myself - but i am finding it strange - i have been a 'mum' for do long - i dont know how to be anything else - i wonder if this has something to do with your problems too - maybe you're looking for things to worry about because you've lost their dependence?
4. you and I are at the stage where- this is 'our' time and we should be getting out there in the world doing the things we couldnt as a mother - but how we get there i dont know - i cant help with this because i dont know how - and i still suffer with some anxieties which holds me back too
5 you know how people used to say 'life begins at forty' i think that related to the fact that you grew up, you got married, you had children, then at forty you were 'free' in my case its 50!
your shildren still need you, but in an entirely different way now, you are a good mum but now it is time for you.
i will be keeping a close eye on your answers - never know we might all get the answer we've been looking for - i wish you all the very best, take care.
perhaps you, dacook and i could each other with this one! i am just about to ask to questions relating this very question
Have you ever stopped to think maybe "you" are part of the problem, with due respect ! While your son has you to worry about him, he doesn't have to bother, "Mum and Dad" will fix it .
You have obviously looked after your son all his life, now its time, for you to take a step back . He lives with a girl, if he thinks he is smart enough to do that, and have a sex life, he should have enough smarts to be aware of his responsibilities. (Do you sit on a chair in the bedroom, and watch while he makes out with his girl or tidy the room ). If you don't, it surprises, considering you are so ANXIOUS about him, surely considering he is so hopeless he can't work, you must "need" to know if he wears a condom, because honestly, how could someone so pathetic, possibly be practicing parents. You and your husband are your son's crutch, throw it away , simply tell him and his girl, something like,... you are planning an overseas trip, to visit an ailing reli,.. and will be gone 2 years,and see what the reaction is. Hope you don't think I am too harsh, but honestly. you need to do it,.. at least .... FOR YOUR OWN SANITY. good luck ..and remember, don't worry be HAPPY!
Go on the internet sites that are 100% percent devoted to anxiety!!! Take pills...
I know i've caused my mum similar anxieties in the past. She'd get upset if things weren't going well with my girlfriend or if I said that I wasn't enjoying my job. Unfortunately it's an affliction that very caring and good mothers seem to suffer from. Boys can still be pretty immature at 20. Perhaps the fact that he lives away from home means e can't always tell how much his actions (or lack of them) are hurting you. Have you tried being honest with him about how what he's doing is affecting your family. Perhaps that would help. Maybe it'd help if your husband stopped making excuses for him, because if the employer finds out what is happening, it'll make your husband look bad.
In terms of the anxiety, maybe you need to focus more on the things in your life that you enjoy and that make you happy. Perhaps ramping up the excercise would be good on days you kow your sone is playing hooky. Would keep your mind of it.