Am I destined to fail/die? How can I break free?!
Question: I am 29 yrs old, diagnosed with schizophrenia 1 yr ago. Was institutionalized from 11 to 17 but managed to finish highschool even though when I was in special ed class Sr yr. I have been told by a few drs that one of my medical problems will likely kill me before age 40 if I do not comply with treatment for them. I am not a social person and spend weeks at a time without going outside. Mainly due to fear. I do not take any of the prescribed meds which include subcutaneous blood thinners, heart meds, blood pressure meds and others. I also do not take psych meds. I question whether any of these dr's are accurate in their diagnosises. I know I have a pattern of not so smart decisions and my perception is different but I can not break out of this type thinking long enough to trust people to get back on track. I feel the clock is ticking for me and one thing bothers me. I dont want to be remembered as a failure. I want to redeem myself before it's too late. How can I break free from this?
Answers: I am 29 yrs old, diagnosed with schizophrenia 1 yr ago. Was institutionalized from 11 to 17 but managed to finish highschool even though when I was in special ed class Sr yr. I have been told by a few drs that one of my medical problems will likely kill me before age 40 if I do not comply with treatment for them. I am not a social person and spend weeks at a time without going outside. Mainly due to fear. I do not take any of the prescribed meds which include subcutaneous blood thinners, heart meds, blood pressure meds and others. I also do not take psych meds. I question whether any of these dr's are accurate in their diagnosises. I know I have a pattern of not so smart decisions and my perception is different but I can not break out of this type thinking long enough to trust people to get back on track. I feel the clock is ticking for me and one thing bothers me. I dont want to be remembered as a failure. I want to redeem myself before it's too late. How can I break free from this?
My dear friend Levi,
I, for one, do not believe in "destiny," so I do not believe that you are destined to fail (although we all die eventually). We are all in control of our lives. Each one of us directs the movie that we act in. Unfortunately, it often seems as if we have little control over things.
Someone once said "imagine just how far humanity would have progressed if children only believed their parents." Although everyone needs to find their "own way," people can learn from those who have gone before us. The role of doctors is similar. They have learned from doctors before them and utilize that knowledge with their patients. Sure, not every doctor is the best nor does medical science have it all figured out, but on the whole a doctor's advice is usually good to follow. Just don't blindly follow things -- become a collaborator with your doctors so you can make decisions as a experienced team.
Personally, I recommend following the drug therapies. Although I am not a medical professional, my advice is suspect, but I can offer some personal experiences that might help.
There was a situation was with my son. He had a medical condition that the doctors could not explain, although they offered a number of drug therapies. Each option (including not treating the condition) had its advantages and disadvantages and it was difficult to make a decision about what to do. The doctors never seemed to give enough information or spend enough time with us to be confident in any choice. Also, I had a number of reservations about committing to any particular drug therapy if the doctors could not identify the condition.
Although I never believed that a doctor had any reason to offer us "bad advice," I always had a nagging suspicion that the doctors were not putting enough time or energy into things. So I started doing a lot of research on my own. Although I am not a medical doctor, I can understand a lot of what is in medical journals so I was able to learn a lot. The next time that I went to the doctor, I was able to challenge him on several items and have him provide more in-depth, more satisfying answers.
Because I had "done my homework" I was able to understand more of what he could tell me. Because I had demonstrated that I knew *something* beyond the casual layman, the doctor seemed to talk to me at a different level -- a level that was much more collaborative. I felt much better about things because what he told me confirmed some of my own research.
In each case, I took more control of things so that "trust" was not such a big issue. "Trust yet verify" is probably a good way to put it. If you are having trust issues, then doing things that will help raise your confidence in your doctors may be beneficial. Learning more about your conditions may be one thing to do. Getting second (or third or fourth) opinions may help raise your confidence.
As far as wanting to "break out of this type of thinking... to get back on track", just remember that there may be no "break out" but rather a slow inch-by-inch, foot-by-foot, mile-by-mile journey. You got to where you are step-by-step, so your journey to some place better may be a step-by-step process too. Not only do these sorts of "recoveries" take time, they take energy, consistency, and will power. I know that it *is* difficult, but stick with it...
If you are concerned about failure, then think about how to achieve successes that assume your various medical and pshyc issues don't get much better. Don't let these issues be road blocks. When possible, don't let these stop you if you can "go around them."
For example, mobility may be an issue for you, so consider what you can accomplish via online resources. Perhaps take some online courses and get a degree. If financial challenges make this seem unlikely, look into governmental support for education. There is lots of money that is given out each year to help people although it isn't always quick to find. Fortunately, it is easy to find! It just take a lot of phone calls, letters, emails, etc. to ask for help or to ask who to help.
I also suggest picking up a copy of "What Color Is Your Parachute?" by Richard Nelson Boulles. Although it is a book on helping people decide upon what career to pursue, it does so by having you be very introspective about your wants, needs, joys, and underlying motivations. Such introspection is valuable in so many areas of one's life. It helps (a lot) in figuring out what one can do to avoid unhappiness, find more joy, and learn about one's self. These are all key in avoiding failure and with self esteem.
A lot of people question the direction that their lives have taken. That is actually a good thing. Unfortunately, not everyone is honest enough with themselves to provide true answers and even if they do, many people don't use this knowledge to thier benefit. There is an old saying that goes