How do you tell a family member that they need help? (Alcoholic)?!


Question: My sister's 33, has history of depression for several yrs, been on Prozac for about 10, binge drinks, drinking 3-4 x a week. Her boyfriend(also heavy drinker) & her live w/ my boyfriend & I in our apartment. She needed help paying off debt and I offered the place, becoming more than I can handle. I hate talking behind her back, I know she needs help - I just don't know how to tell her. Tonight she came home after drinking all night and like always - after she's already totally drunk, she bought wine on the way home to drink at home - her boyfriend is throwing up in the shower and they were unable to drive themselves home. This is a situation that happens at least every other week. I am becoming resentful - tommorrow instead of enjoying Saturday - I will drive her across town to pick up her car in the bar's parking lot. I'm tired the drinking & seeing her sad. She goes to work 2-3 x a week and sleeps the rest off - has a high paying job & rest of our family has no idea, puts on front.


Answers: My sister's 33, has history of depression for several yrs, been on Prozac for about 10, binge drinks, drinking 3-4 x a week. Her boyfriend(also heavy drinker) & her live w/ my boyfriend & I in our apartment. She needed help paying off debt and I offered the place, becoming more than I can handle. I hate talking behind her back, I know she needs help - I just don't know how to tell her. Tonight she came home after drinking all night and like always - after she's already totally drunk, she bought wine on the way home to drink at home - her boyfriend is throwing up in the shower and they were unable to drive themselves home. This is a situation that happens at least every other week. I am becoming resentful - tommorrow instead of enjoying Saturday - I will drive her across town to pick up her car in the bar's parking lot. I'm tired the drinking & seeing her sad. She goes to work 2-3 x a week and sleeps the rest off - has a high paying job & rest of our family has no idea, puts on front.

First of all, you need to take yourself to an Al-Anon meeting, to speak with other people with alcoholic family members. You have been a facilitator, meaning your actions have made it easy for your sister to continue with her destructive behaviors. That will have to change if you want to save your own sanity. The first thing I'd do in your shoes is tell sister dearest that if she wants her car back, then she can either hoof it to the location or pay for a cab. I would not waste my gas taking her anywhere. Having to go back to to retrieve the car is a consequence of her decision to drink so much she could not drive. I would also tell her that it's time to get help and make some positive moves towards improving her life or that it's time to move along to the next flop house. Then prepare yourself to change locks and move her and the boyfriend out. I also wouldn't hide things from the rest of the family anymore. You can't make your sister change, you can't make her dry up and take control. She has to want to do that for herself, and then she has to be the one that does it. As long as she has people to make it possible to stay the same, she isn't going to change. She has no reason to, because she doesn't have to face the consequences of her poor choices. Sometimes, tough love is all you have. If she wants to continue with the self destructive behaviors, she can. She doesn't have the right to inflict them on you. If you don't bail now, you will be taken down the tubes with her. Your relationship with your own boyfriend will probably suffer as well. It's a fair bet that should things go sour for you, your sister will not be so willing to help you pick up pieces or take responsibility for her part of it. In fact, if you cease to be a free support, she will likely disappear along with the boyfriend- and land on some other willing party. Should that be another family member, you wouldn't have to worry about them having no idea. It wouldn't be long before word got out. Sorry, but that is the best advice to salvage the situation. Confronting an alcoholic very seldom works, they just get defensive and invariably drunk. You will end up being the bad guy no matter what you do, and that being the case, you may as well be the bad guy with peace of mind, and free Saturdays.

You can't help some one that does'nt want help. The best thing you can do is nothing. I know it's cruel. But you can't baby them. It's awful and sad.

Instead of contacting Ala-non, please seriously consider talking to AA-Alcoholics Anonomous. Why? Because the people who go there, know what it's like, and how they got the help they needed, how someone intervened for them, etc.
Learning from people who have experienced this, would be the ones who could help the best.
Ala-non is for those who are family, friends of the alcoholic and get to understand more of what is going on, and realizing the reality of living with an alcoholic, etc. much better. It's an excellent support.
Or, you could wait until a sober time and let her know that due to her having a high paying job, she and her boyfriend need to move out of your place by the end of this or next month. Be specific.
If there are children involved, please consider CPS/DCFS as a help for the children till their mom gets straightened out.
There is this thing called "tough love", that sometimes family members need.
I wish you all the best. Take care.

i would say you defo have to be cruel to be kind an dtell her its no tfair to put this situation on you, and shouldn't she be using that money to be sorting her financial problem out herself, try an dorganise a budget or something along that line and maybe going through her outgoing expenses will be a subtle hint into look how much you are spending on this lifestyle. good luck.

Everyone who is advising Al-Anon is advising you correctly. Through them, they will give you ideas. You are going to have to limit your involvement with her to get on with your life. Please listen to what they are saying.





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