Alcoholic is verbally and mentally abusive.?!
Question: I live with my exhusband, he is a drunk. He refuses to work, I have to pay all the bills, buy the food, and everything else. He is becoming verbally abusive. The longer the drunken binge goes on the worse the threats become. He has threatened to kill me and then himself, he acts so deranged at times I'm starting to think he has mental problems. I have no family to speak of and very few close friends that I could go to. He comes from a very decent family and his parents would let him live with them. He refuses to leave. I have been told by a family voilence center worker, via telephone, that because there is no lease and unless someone else hears him threaten my life that there is nothing I can legally do to get him out of the house. Does anyone have any suggestions. I am getting to the point that I dread waking up in the morning and dread coming home in the evening.
Answers: I live with my exhusband, he is a drunk. He refuses to work, I have to pay all the bills, buy the food, and everything else. He is becoming verbally abusive. The longer the drunken binge goes on the worse the threats become. He has threatened to kill me and then himself, he acts so deranged at times I'm starting to think he has mental problems. I have no family to speak of and very few close friends that I could go to. He comes from a very decent family and his parents would let him live with them. He refuses to leave. I have been told by a family voilence center worker, via telephone, that because there is no lease and unless someone else hears him threaten my life that there is nothing I can legally do to get him out of the house. Does anyone have any suggestions. I am getting to the point that I dread waking up in the morning and dread coming home in the evening.
You need evidence. You need a tape recorder, a video recorder, a witness, something that is objective and sees what you are seeing and what you are going through. Can you buy one of those small tape recorders about the size of a cell phone and record him unawares? Can you go to a church and ask someone to come over and help kick him out of there?
Far more importantly, where is he getting his alcohol? Are you buying it for him? That is very bad. You are codependent and you are enabling the problem. Stop feeding him and stop paying for anything of his. Shut him out every way you can. Don't talk to him, don't argue with him and don't reason with him. Don't ask anything more of him if you already know the answer. Don't ask him to stop drinking. He will if he wants to and he won't if he doesn't want to. If you are supplying the beer he definitely doesn't want to. Are you full of contradictions and double standards? You want him out but buy everything for him? No wonder he won't leave.
Can you call his parents and tell them about the situation? Can they come and get him? You need some assistance. You need to impress upon them you have to have their assistance. Have you called an alcoholics hotline? Can you get him out on a mental health issue? He can be arrested if he is a danger to himself or others.
Start making a diary of every disagreeable thing he does. Note everything, the minute the seconds. Write down the weather, the temperature and make a log of everything. Write down word for word every unpleasant thing he says. After a while the detail will be compelling evidence. Talk to the police in a calm rational voice and stay unemotional or they will tune you out. Every call you make, every group you contact, keep a log and compile all information in a file. Be ready to show it to anyone that can get him out of there.
My prayers are with you. I will pray you find deliverance.
WHY DO YOU STAY???
He won't leave, he has it too good where he is! I don't get it, what are you waiting for??
pl consult a lawyer
Have you tried getting a restraining order to keep him away from you?
I understand that it is hard to walk away from your home,but if you are paying all the bills,then you can get your own place and start anew,that's what the divorce was for. Depending on where you live you can call the police if he threatens physical harm to you. If not then leave as quick as you can,let him deal with himself. You never know what he may be capable of doing to you or anyone else. You stay in that situation and you may not wake up one morning. You need to get out if he won't. I'm serious and not trying to be mean.
first of all he's your ex.....if he doesn't help pay rent etc...get him out....get a restraining order to get him out otherwise go to a womans abuse center...have them help you get him out...he's a drunk...you don't have to take anything from him... moved out...you can get him out....get a lawyer if you have to
Alcoholic may be a harsh word, but if you think about it, it is a harsh truth that people have to come to terms with to better themselves and control the condition. Once they admit the problem and are on the road to good physical health as well as mental health, they really don't find it as abusive as it is truthful and just plain honest with themselves about the terms of ones problems. I have been a recovering alcoholic for 2 years and my father is an alcoholic still for about 45 years of and on, he would find it abusive and insulting, whereas, I would find it to be the out and out truth and know what I have to do in order to not be a horible person in terms of actions, words said or just plain shitty attitude and will do what I was taught to do to make myself not turn to drink for every stress that comes my way, but find an alternative that will lead to a positive outcome and feel good about myself as well for doing the better thing. It takes alot of work, knowledgeable skills to change for the better and alot of support from others to steer away happily from the drink. And yes sometimes it takes harsh truthful words to set an alcoholic in the straight and narrow way and to identify the hazard zones and then steer away in a positive way, but it the long run it is beneficial and gratifying to ones self. I know I am happier that I am not a practicing alcoholic anymore, but a recovering alcoholic who works on staying that way day after day for the rest of my life. You can never let your guard down so its a never ending battle in and accomplishment in continuous progress.
If you really want to help him you need to support him if he wants the help. If he doesn't care to get help, tell him that you cannot live like that anymore and that you deserve better for yourself and want better as well. If it comes to someone having to leave, you have to move on, not ask him to leave. You need to not disable yourself simply for the fact that your name is on the lease or because you like the place and want stay. You have to get up off the co-dependant couch and make a life move for yourself and not keep asking him to change or make a move of his own. It's your life get a new one somewhere else.
Been there done that. First start going to ALANON. Then sense there is no lease stop inabling and you move out. You have let him beat your self esteam into the dirt, and controle you with his threats. He's not going to kill anybody. All you need to do is get a weekly low rent motel and don't tell him where. Talk to the land lord about what your doing. Ask him to collect the rent in person when it's due from your ex. You know he wont have it so he will have to move. Work out a plan with the landlord to catch up any past due while he's being evicted. That is if you just have to have "that house". Other wise rent a truck and take your stuff with you. If you tell the cops your afraid he will hurt you while you get your stuff federal law. Says a Deputy must be sent at a time you give. To protect you while youb get your stuff out. Please get out stop enabling and letting him controle you.
Contact a battered woman's hotline or shelter to discuss this. If I were you, I would get out and not even let him know where I was. You do not need this.