What can I tell this grieving mother?!
Question: She lost her three year old daughter 26 years ago. Since that day, she has never smiled, never laughed, and refuses to be comforted. The child died an incredibly slow and horrible death by torture at the hands of another very evil, psychopathic woman.
Whenever people say things like: "She is in heaven now" or "God has a plan" or "just remember the good times" or "at least you had a few years with her", she is quick to dismiss them.
Problem is, I agree with many of her sentiments. Perhaps it would have been better if the child had never existed!
I am the only one she agrees with and yet I don't know how to comfort her. What more can be done?
Answers: She lost her three year old daughter 26 years ago. Since that day, she has never smiled, never laughed, and refuses to be comforted. The child died an incredibly slow and horrible death by torture at the hands of another very evil, psychopathic woman.
Whenever people say things like: "She is in heaven now" or "God has a plan" or "just remember the good times" or "at least you had a few years with her", she is quick to dismiss them.
Problem is, I agree with many of her sentiments. Perhaps it would have been better if the child had never existed!
I am the only one she agrees with and yet I don't know how to comfort her. What more can be done?
It's been 16 years for my loss of my child. It was a miscarriage in 1992. I feel my EX when he hit my stomach out of anger I feel he caused the miscarriage. I haven't gone over it either. I have good days and bad days. I hate seeing other mother's holding, laughing, smiling, kissing or touching their child. I wish it was me doing that. After my grieving years had pass I decided to work with children. I am a Preschool Teacher. Working with these children replaces what I loss. I do have a 23 year old son and he, too, misses that child. What she may be experiencing is guilt and regrets. She's kicking herself for allowing her child to have been with this woman. If she didn't leave that child with her than her child would be alive. As for the 26 years of grieving its normal. She's not a loss cause. Let her grieve the way she wants to grieve. As long it's not disturbing your lifestyle or hurting others. As for the guilt and regrets I feel the same way about my EX. I did pursue criminal charges against him for abusing me for nearly 15 years. He still walks free as we speak. The problem with her not getting better is you agree with her sentiments. It means you're feeding more grief into her brain. What you need to do which is hard but step away and turn the sentiments into positive thinking. You could be the one who made her more depressed than she really should have been. I know I had to hear that from my son and my family for the past 15 years. This year I am trying to let go of my child. Will it work I don't know and do I want to make it work? Yes, I have to cause it's been interferring in my daily lifestyle. I have came to the conclusion that if my child was alive would I still be sad and the answer would be yes. I learn to live with my grief and depression. To me it's like waking up and having a cup of coffee. The coffee at times may be weak or strong which describes my thinking and will power. I still grieve the loss of my mother 21 years ago. She died on Jan 17, 1987. The other day it was so hard for me. With all the clique of it's God's plan, it's in heaven or time will heal old wounds well, it's true. It's up to ourselves when we want to stop the years of grieving. Some strategies work for some but not others. As for the comment that this child shouldn't been born well, unfortunately, that's part of God's plan so you can never make that statement ever again. It would have meant that you should have gotten a Total Hysterectomy to avoid pregnancy. I'm 46 and I'm assuming you must of been young when this happened. If so, it will seem like an impossible thing to get over. If your over 40 like me than it shouldn't be so hard to get over. Not the simpliest thing to get over not now not ever but we must do it. You can say you're sorry to your child until you're blue in the face. You can you're sorry to God until you're blue in the face. The reality of it is that you been already forgiven the day it happened by God and your child. I feel you're taking blame. It's not your fault. It's not your fault your child had to die. How would you feel if your child lived to be 25 years old and than died? How would you feel if your child lived to be 50 years old and died? You would still be grieving. No one can deal with grief. I still have grief in my life. Everyone has grief in their life. Especially right now for Heath Ledger's family, families of fallen war heroes and ill sicken families. I learn to live with it. Your grieving is based on How your child die not the fact it didn't die from natural causes like Cancer, car accident or heart problems. I hope with what you read is going to support you not go against you. My suggestions to overcome grief is look at it in a different viewpoint. See yourself outside the box looking inside the box. What would you like to see? Keep your memories of your child by doing volunteer work for Domestic Violence, join a children's club like Boys and Girls club or a sporting organization, seek other support groups, do a lot of journal writing which I do and talk. Always talk to someone else even go to the park and someone there may have the same story as yourself. Do you want your child to see you sad and grieving? Sorry for the long response but it's going to be okay. It has to be. Have faith and trust. Give it to God your grief.
if she is still unhappy 26 years later.......she wont ever be happy. there is nothing you can do. she is a lost cause.
i dont think there is anything that you can do. just be there for her, if she ever decides that she wants to talk about it.
There comes a time when a person has to WANT to feel better, it would appear she doesn't want to. If that is the case, then there really isn't anything you can do for her. She wants to be miserable and unhappy, and if that is the case, there is nothing anyone can do to help her. After 26 years, she probably doesn't know how to be any other way.
If you feel this will help, share my sentiments with her:
Perhaps if she can remember that her child IS still alive and sees and knows everything that is going on with her as she watches from heaven it will ease just a tiny bit of the pain. Her daughter's death was tragic, but even more tragic is giving her own life and happiness in exchange. This is NOT what her child wanted and it's doing the child's memory an injustice by not living a full and happy life. She WILL see her little girl again one day, there is no doubt. This is NOT forever, though I know it cannot ease the heartbreak. If she talks to her child she will feel her presence, I firmly believe that. I talk to my deceased best friend all the time and I know without a shadow of a doubt that he hears me and even though I can't physically hear him or see him, he's talking back, I just listen with my heart. Also, while the child suffered torture, that pain and experience was removed from her the moment she passed. It's nothing to her now, it's a "no-thing". Her child is no longer suffering and is happy. The only thing that might be preventing her full happiness in the afterlife is watching her mother suffer. Maybe it would help her to overcome this grief if she tries to overcome it out of love for a daughter WHO IS STILL VERY MUCH ALIVE AND WELL. They're simply geographically separated. Temporarily. She is not being disloyal to the memory of her child by living her life happily, to the contrary, it's quite the opposite. She has to find this happiness within herself and wish her all the success in the world.
People deal with things in a way they see fit. The loss of a child can change a parent in all types of ways. Some parents form organizations in their deceased childs name to help prevent different types of horrible crimes and such.. maybe if she did something in her daughters name that may help her? she has slipped away from herself for 26 years so she may be very resistant to suggestions in helping her feel better but she's not a lost cause.. Maybe if she can't do something for herself directly she can do something in the name of her daughter and in turn it may help her out as well... Luck to you on this... that story is very saddening
I am also a grieving mother. I lost my 21 year old son 9 years ago when he was shot in the head by a friend of his. (Supposedly accidental but that's another story) How awful for your friend (and her daughter) to have to endure that type of tragedy.
When you are faced with something like this, you have 2 choices. Wallow or climb out.
I wallowed for a while but I made the choice to climb out. I still grieve, but it doesn't have me. Having people who loved me and understood helped. What got my temper up was people telling me I needed to get over it (this was 2 months after he was killed). HA! You never get over something like that, but you can get through it.
It's a choice. You can either try to move on, or wallow in your grief. I can't say how I would have felt had my son died as your friend's daughter did or even if he'd died from a long battle with a terminal illness. Maybe I would have felt the same.
Thank God I had other things in my life to focus on besides my own grief. My grandson got me through a lot of it, because I wouldn't let my grief overtake me when I was with him. I had to suffer in silence because of all the "advice" my husband was given. I still have my bad days but they are usually on his birthday and the anniversary of his death. Sometimes at other times, when I hear certain songs, see something he'd like, etc.
Unfortunately, there is probably no way to comfort this mother if she's been like this for 26 years. Just be there if she needs to talk.
There is some good info here. Take time to read it and please don't dismiss it. If you really want to help her examine all of the answers you get here and make a decision.
I agree with most of the people here. My parents have lost 4 children and may lose two more before they die because my brother and I are both dealing with serious illnesses that we can't predict the out come of. But as hard has that has been for them they have not let grief take over their life's, One that's not good for them and it's not a way of honoring the life that was lost.This woman has no other life so she has nothing else in her life. I also think that she's come to know her self by her grief and that's become her identity. She has to want to change that in order for any thing to change. She may on some level like the attention that she gets as a grieving mother. Even as she says that she doesn't think about it she's been a grieving mother longer than she was a mother.
so this is how most people and herself know her. It's scary to change your identity, and this has become her identity. No you never get over it, My mom and dad still talk about my oldest brother who died in 1969 and my other brother who died in 1965. My younger brother and sister have died in the last 15 years. The last one only 2 1/2 years ago. You would think that if any one had a reason to become consumed with grief it would be my parents, but that's not the way that they choose to live their lives. My parents have always had children in their lives and they have mentored other children, this is the way that they honor the ones they have lost. The only person who can help this woman is herself she has to want to change things and after this amount of time she may not want to or be able to change.