Trouble grieving?!
Question: If you have lost someone close, and not reacting the way you would expect, is there a way to kick start the grieving process?
I have had 2 significant deaths in the last 2 years but I dont seem to be feeling any different. (2 months since the most recent)
I know people react differently, but Im starting to think I dont have any feelings!
Of course, I feel sad about what happened but I seem to have rationalised it in my mind as being the best outcome to two terrible illnesses. Like thinking that its an end to their suffering, instead of being sad for the fact that they are gone.
Its strange, but I almost want to have a breakdown even although I have no feelings in me to make it happen.
Any advice?
Answers: If you have lost someone close, and not reacting the way you would expect, is there a way to kick start the grieving process?
I have had 2 significant deaths in the last 2 years but I dont seem to be feeling any different. (2 months since the most recent)
I know people react differently, but Im starting to think I dont have any feelings!
Of course, I feel sad about what happened but I seem to have rationalised it in my mind as being the best outcome to two terrible illnesses. Like thinking that its an end to their suffering, instead of being sad for the fact that they are gone.
Its strange, but I almost want to have a breakdown even although I have no feelings in me to make it happen.
Any advice?
I've been there too, a friend of mine died at the end of October after three months in hospital. I have come to the conclusion that we have different types of relationships, those with the dead and those with the living. We don't necessarily grieve for the dead any more than the people we still have around us who are in our thoughts even when they are not immediately around, and we keep the memories of our dead friends alive in our hearts in the same way. It is strange that they are no longer there but our lives converged at some point and I'm sure we remember all their foibles, sayings and jokes as fondly as if they are still alive, but we somehow cannot see them anymore. There's no formula about grieving, it's different for everyone, I would say if you can find people to talk to about the life of your deceased friend without embarrassment that is a first step. You've partly taken it by posting here. I'm sure we'll all be open if you want to expand this. I'm sorry if I haven't expressed this very well, but it's a complex subject without a formula. All the best.
"...I feel sad..." you know grieving isn't always about screaming crying and tearing one's hair out. Some people simply feel sad, then rationalize the event (as you have) and get on with life. There is nothing wrong with you.
i don't think your having trouble grieving....you have the best out look there is for someone in ill health...you know they are going to a better place where they don't hurt any more....everybody grieves in a different way...i cry at the drop of a hat.......you are fine.....go on...these people would like you too
don't feel guilty because your not crying your eyes out, like you say everyone acts differently, when my grandad died last year i was upset but unlike all my family i don't visit his grave and talk to him, its not that i don't care, because i do, i loved him very much, but i don't feel the need to express myself like that. he knew i loved him when he was alive, thats what matters to me! im sure its the same in your case.
I felt exactly the same when my grandad died - I wanted to break down and have a good sob, I assumed it would happen at the funeral, but although I shed a few tears, it wasnt the full blown grieving I was expecting, and it still hasnt happened 2 months on. Apparantly alot of bereavement is to to with guilt, things you said, things you didnt say, things that could have been done differently, shock. If (like me) you're lucky enough not to have regrets about their life, your part in it and the circumstances of their death, maybe you never really do have a full on breakdown and just get on with your life with happy memories of the way they were.
i dont think you're abnormal in any way - I'm a very emotional person, but my grandad lived a good and very long life, we were all there for him at the end, and death just seemed like a natural end.
You don't need to kick start anything. Everybody deals with grief in their own way. I lost my Dad 3 years ago next month and I was certainly confused about the way my grief seemed to fall. You sound very level headed and being in touch with yourself as you are I'm sure You can handle your emotions in a rational way. Come back for a chat anytime.
You have feelings, I'm sure.
Maybe it hasn't fully hit you yet, or it did, but it didn't hit hard.
When someone dies, people cry about it forever (understandable), but they eventually have to deal with it because they can't do anything.
Maybe you realized that really early.
The next time you're sad enough to break own, think about those deaths.. if it makes it worse, then count is as a late breakdown.
What you are going through is not uncommon. Everybody grieves in their own way and in their own time.
The danger comes when you bury your grief to be strong for others or other reasons.
Remember.... when you bury your feelings (grief), you bury it alive.
There are many support groups that can help you find your grief so you can begin the journey through it.
Please go to GriefShare.org. You will be able to put in your zip code to find the nearest group meeting.
I have helped facilitate several of these groups and have seen people transformed over the 13 week cycle. I have seen people who had not grieved for 10 years but when given the proper environment of support, they began to grieve as though they had lost their loved one very recently.
My prayers are with you.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. When my mother died I went into 'auto-pilot' because I have a disabled brother needing support and all the work had to be done. 2 1/2 years after the death apparently trivial events will hit me between the eyes like a sledgehammer.
Don't try to analyse what you are feeling, or why. The only certainty is that it will 'get you' when you least expect it.
At the funeral of a very close friend a few years ago I think general feelings were summed up very well. The friend was only in his early 40s but had been suffering from an illness that was going to cause his death eventually for many years. A family friend said that he was sad that Geoff was no longer with us, but couldn't be sorry that he wasn't here any more because the suffering was over.
I have lost 2 children in my lifetime. When we lost the first one, I was "strong" for the sake of my wife and I ended up with some real stomach problems over this.
I would ask if there is anyone or any reason you are trying to remain "strong". If so..this is not so good.
When I lost my oldest son this past August, I let myself grieve..indeed I am still grieving.
But we all do this differently. You should grieve in your own way. Do not judge youself by others.
To me it sounds like you're still in the shock phase. Your mind knows that those two people just passed, but your heart isn't ready to let go. People definetly act differently to death. My grandmother died over fifteen years ago, and I'm still grieving. Write a journal entry. It may help start the process.