Do you ever feel like this?!
Question: i'm newly 25 and I have 2 kids. my husband and I both the same age, had a hard time being married young and becoming parents young. He was able to accomplish his goals in life and is going further, while I have only been a housewife. I feel like my life has stopped and I can't move any further, like I"m waiting for something to happen. My hubby wont let me go back to work because he fears I'll leave him, which is not the first time this has happened. But how can I move forward. We're struggling with money, and he wants me to help his career since I stay home all day, by marketing, but we have no money to market with. I can't go to nursing school, because my kids need a mom right now, and we can't afford daycare. All my hubby does is complain about our situation, and blame me for every hardship we go through. Probably is my fault, but I already feel crappy enough. I spent my whole life being told its my fault by my mom, now him. If I talk to him, he'll think i'm weak. I need help.
Answers: i'm newly 25 and I have 2 kids. my husband and I both the same age, had a hard time being married young and becoming parents young. He was able to accomplish his goals in life and is going further, while I have only been a housewife. I feel like my life has stopped and I can't move any further, like I"m waiting for something to happen. My hubby wont let me go back to work because he fears I'll leave him, which is not the first time this has happened. But how can I move forward. We're struggling with money, and he wants me to help his career since I stay home all day, by marketing, but we have no money to market with. I can't go to nursing school, because my kids need a mom right now, and we can't afford daycare. All my hubby does is complain about our situation, and blame me for every hardship we go through. Probably is my fault, but I already feel crappy enough. I spent my whole life being told its my fault by my mom, now him. If I talk to him, he'll think i'm weak. I need help.
As others have pointed out, you may feel like your life has stopped, but you're just wrong. For one thing, it's at the very beginning. You may not feel like it right now, but 25 is very, very young - plenty, plenty of time to get to those "life goals." Also, you ARE doing something SUPER important now. Mothering young children is the MOST important job anyone can do. Put your "real" ambitions on hold while you do that. When money is very tight & children are so little & stress is running high is NOT the time to go to nursing school (very hard, very time consuming). Get any kind of weekend job you can to make some money; that way your husband can be with the children while you're at work & you won't have to pay for daycare (which is iffy at best). If you've been making it with one job, you wouldn't qualify for any kind of free or subsidized care anyway. Free care is NOT readily available, even if you're on welfare.
And most importantly: don't listen to advice from people who say "who cares what he says? do what you want!" How long have those people been married? If you want a divorce, go down their road; otherwise, a wise woman once said "a good marriage isn't 50-50. It's 100-100. Both people have to give it 100%." Also very important: be careful you're not projecting your mother stuff onto him. Been there, done that. He's NOT your mother, unless you married a super-critical person just like her - which does happen. Don't assume he'll think you're weak, though. You need to be honest when you talk to him, but not accusing. And you need to reframe for yourself how you see motherhood! It is a super-valuable, all-important role in life, to be a good mother. Don't underestimate or disrespect what you're doing. The Army's wrong - motherhood, not the Army, is the toughest job you'll ever love. You are more necessary and valuable to them than you could ever be at ANY job, even if you were a world-famous neurosurgeon. Maybe your mother gave you these subconscious attitudes about motherhood?? That she didn't like being a mother & so blamed everything on you, and now you're repeating that pattern?? Just something to think about.
And if you don't belong to a church or a spiritual center of some sort, find one you feel comfortable with & join it. There's nothing like it for a ready-made supportive community. People are there because they DO care.
And finally, you're not alone, honey. Many of us have walked in your shoes. Have an honest talk with the hub when the children are asleep & you're both calm. Tell him you're afraid everything will be your fault like it was with your mom. Tell him you want to get a weekend job to help out with the bills. And a short course of marriage counseling in the beginning to get things sorted out is a good idea if he'll agree. If not, a bit for yourself would be good (those mother issues can be hard on you, I know). And remember, don't take advice from people with no children and no long marriage! You'll be fine, this is just one of life's tough patches. Nursing school will be there when they're in school. As my dad used to say, this too shall pass - and your heart will ache for the days when they were little ones who thought you were the greatest thing in the universe. Good luck, honey.
no , not personally, but talk to family counselor and see what they say, in this day and age it almost invariably takes both parents working to make it. unless one is quite well off, ie making 6 figure income.
Some times you just have to take matters into your own hands and make it work. First go look for a job, than a daycare center or babysitter. Tell your husband after the fact and it was your decision. He may get mad but oh well, he'll just have to get over it. Just because your married doesn't mean he owns you and if he were a good husband he would appreciate the fact that you are trying to contribute to the family income and he would support you 100%. Don't allow people, no matter who they are to walk all over you or you will never be able to rise above it. I also think his excuse for not wanting you to work is pretty lame. Tells a lot about his little amount of trust he has for you. I think he is just trying to be controlling.
First of all, everything all the time can NOT always be your fault. So always remember that.
As far as being a mother and wife, yet wanting your own identity - there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. If your children are too young to be left with a daycare center, then unfortunately you will have to wait until they are school aged. But also know that there is Public Assistance available to assist with childcare costs.
You are VERY young and have a lot of time to decide what is right for you. But allowing your husband to make that decision for you is crazy. You deserve to have a life of your own as well. Now if being a housewife was what you all agreed upon from the start then you all might need to sit down and reevaluate what would make everyone happy.
There is financial aid available for school if you do chose to get your nursing degree.
You should express your feelings to your husband and let him know that you feel he is blaming you for the hardships y'all are going through but you can't do your part to help financially because he doesn't want you to work...i would recommend that you also let him know how much you would like to go back to school....as a nursing student myself i know how hard it can be but through Gods help me and my husband are getting through it and i know you can too
You need to stop worrying about what he thinks and start thinking about what YOU think. You have access to a computer see if you can go to school on line there are ways to pay for it that you might not have to put out any money now. You also need to think about what your low self esteem is teaching your children, I'm not sure where you live but if you're in a big city there are schools that offer day care on campus for very little if now money, it's paid for by the city. You don't say what age your children are or how close they are to going to school, that will give you other options. Email me if you want to talk I've been a stay at home mom for over 20 years due to a disability I know what it's like to feel you're not really accomplishing any thing. The first thing to remember is that your children need you more than any one and that can't be replaced, just being there with them is accomplishing more than you realize now but will understand later.
I believe in a relationship both people are there for each other. You both should take care of one another. He should not leave you behind in life. You should not have to stay just a house wife. You should help him succeed and at the same time he should do the same for you. Communication is the key to a healthy relationship as well as understanding. Talking does not make you weak. Just shows that you care enough to talk him about your feelings. You guys have to talk about the best way to get both of your lives moving in the same direction and compromise.
With stories likes yours I really respect mothers. Try talking with your husband, your not weak if your trying to help with money and wanting to grow that makes you strong. I don't mean to be judgmental but it sounds like your husband may have self confidence issues if he is worried you will leave him. Did he come from a broken or unhappy family or have a bad childhood. Don't blame yourself for things gone wrong. Your staying home and taking care of the kids which is what he wanted you to do. What about even a part time job while the kids are in school. Have you guys tried seeing a marriage counselor. I did with my husband ( only been married a year too) and it really works wonders. He needs to stop blaming you, and look the at picture from a different angle. I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out.