My Nan died today, and i feel so sad and guilty,?!


Question: She had a heart attack 3 days ago, and i never went to visit her in hospital, as i didnt want to remember her as a frail old lady, but as the nan that i remember sitting at home, strong and stubborn.
Now i feel so guilty for not seeing her before she died.
My heart is breaking and i dont know what to do...i feel ok one minute, thinking to myself that she is in heaven with my grandad (who died 3 yrs ago), not in any pain etc......but if anyone asks how i am, i cant stop crying.
I feel so sad and guilty, and dont know what to do,please help!


Answers: She had a heart attack 3 days ago, and i never went to visit her in hospital, as i didnt want to remember her as a frail old lady, but as the nan that i remember sitting at home, strong and stubborn.
Now i feel so guilty for not seeing her before she died.
My heart is breaking and i dont know what to do...i feel ok one minute, thinking to myself that she is in heaven with my grandad (who died 3 yrs ago), not in any pain etc......but if anyone asks how i am, i cant stop crying.
I feel so sad and guilty, and dont know what to do,please help!

What nice and loving answers. I may give you a different view of things being a grandfather (68). We have had the experience of seeing grand parents, parents, uncles, etc die. We often know more than we want about death. But it has become a normal part of our (older people's ) lives. We know everybody reacts differently to death, we have too at different times. Not to worry your gran was busy collecting herself to leave the body. She still loves you and is there at your fingertips. When you need her just call. Other people have mentioned it already but you should read Elizabeth Kubla-Ross's book (I may have misspelled some or all of that) on death and dieing. She first talked about the stages of acceptance of death and dieing. It made my feelings or understandable and "normal". "Time takes time."
Love ya girl!

Don't feel bad. She probably wanted you to remember her differently too. My nan died of emphasima (spelled wrong I know) - anyway, she had gone down to 6 stones and at 5'11 looked awful and she wanted us to remember her playing golf and going to the beach with us. I am really glad we did.

hey feeling guilty is normal i felt the same thing my aunt died after couple of months from visiting us at home and i feel guilty because i wasnt home when she went to visit us i was at my friends
i am always feeling guilty i wanted to be there
but things happen for a reason dont be guilty i am sure ur nan RIP loves you from all of her heart

It's ok to be sad. But guilty. No. Why, she knew you loved her very much. She wouldn't want oyu to feel guilty, and don't you think she would understand why you didn't want to see her like that. You keep your good memories and know she loved you. Stop feeling guilty and cherrish the good times.

i feel a bit guilty to my grandad died this morning, he has been in hospital sinse friday and i didnt go see him, i think feeling guilty is one of the stages of grief, im sorry for your loss
x

do you think she would want you to feel guilty...i dont think so. just remember her how you do,she will be proud of that and smile down on you with your grandad. As long as you keep her in your heart she hasnt gone far has she.

time will help you get use to her going...but until then cry your heart out whenever you need to...why not it helps.

im sorry your gran died..hugs.x

My grandmother died recently after a prolonged illness lasting a few months. I didn't visit her either and am feeling pangs of guilt about it.

You just have to take strength from the memories of all the fun times you had and remember her as the strong person she was in her prime. Would she have wanted you to feel guilty and miserable for not visiting her? Mine would have laughed and told me to snap out of it.

As long as you attend the funeral, keep her memory alive as a happy and strong woman, you can do little else. Forgive yourself - I'm sure she wouldn't want you to be dwelling in guilt.

Best wishes.

So very sorry to hear about your Gran, she would not have wanted you to be so upset, say a little prayer for her , tell her you love her, and I know she will hear you, and this will please her forever

if your nan was as stubborn and strong as you say then she wouldn't have wanted you to see her like that. i felt terribly guilty about not making it on time to be with my dad when he passed(my flight was late), but i know he would not have wanted that. remember her as she was. it will always be sad and you may never stop crying over her, but it does get easier over time to live with it. eventually you will remember all the great stuff! you are her legacy, be Strong and be stubborn, that's the best way to Honor her!

Talking to someone can help. The pain of loosing some one close to you will dull... eventually.

You do not want the memory of how she looked before she died. It may not be pretty.

How you feel is normal. Dont bottle it up. You'll be fine.

You just have to go through it, nothing you can do.

Anyway, dont feel bad for feeling your feelings, they are yours and they need to be felt! If you ignore your feelings, they will not go away.

A lot of the grief that is felt is to do with feelings of guilt: things you should have done, should have said etc.

If you believe in an afterlife, write her a letter. Saying why you chose not to see her in hospital, and also put down things that you think she would say back to you if this was a conversation. Like : I know you will understand why I didnt visit, and Im sure you would tell me that its ok. Ask any questions you want, like why did you have to go? and try to answer them yourself

It helps your mind to clear out things that you would have liked to have the chance to say. You will feel better after that, im sure!

Sorry for your loss :(

i understand you. Dont be guilty it is ok to be but you shouldnt because im sure she understands why you didnt visit her. She is with your grandad in heaven now. When my grandad passed away everyone was crying, the priest said if you keep crying the spirit of my grandads soul would not keep going up. My grandad was in hospital for 6 months and couldnt walk so he was in bed all the time. I am happy god took him because i was seeing him suffer and it was for the best. I take it your grandma was ill or injured which is why she was in hospital so please dont take this to heart but thank god because it was her time to go. But most of all dont feel guilty otherwise your grandma will be watching down feeling unhappy to see her grandson low. Hope you feel better in time. Take care god bless

My Condolences, alas, you can't turn the clock back, but what you can do, is offer up a prayer for her, go to her funeral with good intent and respect, She will understand,

Good luck.

my aunt died of cancer almost 9 years ago, i was incredibly close to her and miss her terribly to this day. she was in a hospice and i refused to go and see her for the same reasons as you. i did eventually go before she died but i felt the same guilt of all the time i missed with her. the way i looked at it is i know my aunt now knows my reasons, and she knows that it didnt reflect how much i love her. maybe you should say goodbye to her in the funeral parlour. i never done this but i did when my granda died a year ago. think carefully before you go because my last memory of him is in a coffin.

your nan can see you. she sees you crying and my guess is she doesnt want to see that. she knows your reasons.

(((((( hugs )))))) xxx

Dont feel guilty because she is only sleeping in death and one day will wake up. You are only feeling the normal pain of loss but remember the love you had for each other will never die. Remember even Jesus wept at the death of Lazurus and he was about to raise him from the dead, but he knew the pain death holds. I hope you feel comforted soon.

it is only natural to feel like you do at this sad time,but i can quiet understand you not wanting to visit her in hospital, you should remember her how you want and remember one thing no matter what she will always be there in your beautiful memories which you will take comfort in. They say time is a great healer but after 14years i still miss my mum, but i have the memories to get through it and i know she is always there when i need her. condolences

Don't worry we all feel like that when people die you might be scared of seeing her poorly i know its hard for you now but she will for give you why would she not, she loves you to bits so don't fell guilty that you didn't see her in hospital my grandma,died September just gone and i still miss her and i got upset like you are now you can cry because it shows that you are upset and i bet she loved you to bits lol x she will be always there for you and she always wil do x if you diddnt see her in hospital at least you are thinking about her and the same for you if you wanted to see her at home in her chair well thats nice to think about that instead of being in hospital poorly at the moment i know its hard and upseting, but at the end of the day at least you are thinking abouter so dont worry x x she will understand because old people are nice like you grandma trust me i know she sounds nice. x x x

Sweetie, you are just grieving. It will take time to come to terms with the loss of your Nan.

I am sure she now understands completely the reasons for you not seeing her at the end. We all have to do what we think is right at the time. You sound young to me, so keeping her image as you want to remember her was a good idea. So don't feel guilty about your decision.

I lost my dear Dad some years ago, and at first the pain of his loss was terrible. But as time went by, things got easier. I talked a lot about my Dad with friends and family, and this helped to bring back all the happy memories.

Don't bottle up all your emotions. Share them with loved ones and people who knew your Nan. You are right, she is in a better place now, and I am sure she is watching over you, and not wanting you to feel so terrible.

I wish you all the best.

xx

youre right she is in heaven now with your grandad and she isnt in pain, my nan died 2 years ago on my sons birthday and i feel guilty celebrating hes birthday now but you gota get on with things cause im sure thats what your nan would of wanted she wouldnt of wanted you being upset all the time, cause if my nan was alive and she saw me upsat like that she would boot me up my behind and tell me dont be silly. youre feeling guilty because you never saw her before she died but how do you know if she wanted you to see her that way? ever way she was your nan love is unconditional between you and no matter what shes still your nan shes still in your heart ,and youl always remain in hers,and no matter what she still loves you .

You need to sit and say a prayer and ask god to bless her and you both. Think of something nice that she and you did together and remember she is with you no matter what and that she loved you and much as you loved her. Good luck.

We all grieve for those we loose and time as they say will heal but you'll be left with the happy memories as I am of my Grandparents!

My thoughts are with you and your Nan!

Elric

Awe I went through the same thing.
My great grandpa died
and i never saw him in the hospital.
Im sorry for your loss.
Just remember; She knew you loved her ANd you know she love you. SHes watching over you right now.
Have a wonderful weekend!

Talk to someone, in the realworld about these feelings.

They aren't weird or wrong. I was with my Grandmother till the day she died. It has been more than 2 years now, and I STILL feel guilt.

I am so sorry for your loss.

You shouldnt feel bad, when my nan died and i asked if i could see her, she said she didnt want me to remember her like that, and I think your nan would feel the same way. As for feeling low and crying , go ahead, your grieving and its only natural, you have lost someone dear to you and you miss them. She will understand as she loved you very much. x





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