Do you know anyone with Borderline Personality Disorder?!
Question: There are a few in my family. In fact, I just seperated from one because I was so abused and drained I no longer knew who I was. I am recovering, but find I still face difficulties with things like confrontation, dealing with power struggles, and accepting that I am NOT responsible for other's suffering.
I see the destruction she is doing to her children and herself. I also can now see just how distorted her world is. I long to help her. But she is unable to forgive. She blames me (and everyone else) for her problems. She also blames me for our father's realization of who she really is... which was actually revealed in the way she treated me after I left.
Though it was extremely painful, I left because I no longer wanted to be punished or to listen to how awful the world was. She even punished her own children to hurt me. I know she's suffering greatly... but there is no way into her heart. Have you dealt with such a person so filled with anger they punished everyone?
Answers: There are a few in my family. In fact, I just seperated from one because I was so abused and drained I no longer knew who I was. I am recovering, but find I still face difficulties with things like confrontation, dealing with power struggles, and accepting that I am NOT responsible for other's suffering.
I see the destruction she is doing to her children and herself. I also can now see just how distorted her world is. I long to help her. But she is unable to forgive. She blames me (and everyone else) for her problems. She also blames me for our father's realization of who she really is... which was actually revealed in the way she treated me after I left.
Though it was extremely painful, I left because I no longer wanted to be punished or to listen to how awful the world was. She even punished her own children to hurt me. I know she's suffering greatly... but there is no way into her heart. Have you dealt with such a person so filled with anger they punished everyone?
I am a borderline, and I can tell you that the only thing you can do is focus on your own best interests. You absolutley MUST take care of yourself, and always first. That is the only thing you can control. You must be consistent in your behavior with regard to the person you are referring to. The hardest part is when you must interact with her. That's when you need to be able to "step back" emotionally and mentally and simply observe her behavior with as little of the emotional element attached as possible. You might call it "putting up your $h!t shield" You're going to get splattered. Do your best not to rub it in.
If you desire a "way into her heart", you can only wait for her to create one for you. When the opportunity arises (like when she seems most receptive to your positive expressions of emotion), let her know you care. Be as direct as possible. Leave no room for interpretation, since she will be unable to stop herself later from twisting your words to mean something different, allowing her to punish herself and you for what she only imagines to be true. If she closes herself to you, do nothing. Try not to recoil, and try not to push forward. In her mind, if you recoil, you're abandoning her, and if you push forward, you're smothering her. It's a terribly complicated situation for you to be in, so the simplest advice I can offer is to learn to listen and listen well to the internal voice you have that directs you to do what is best for you (and in some cases others around you that you care about).
My gory details are below... along with some great resources for just such an experience.
It's horrible. I was in a relationship with a BPD for 10-years (8 of them married) and have two children. The level of chaos and terror she brings to everyone is never-ending. Split 4-years and still dealing with her nightmarish behavior almost daily.
At least I've managed to get 50/50 custody of my children after being pushed to the brink of bankruptcy and spending my life's savings.
I feel for you and know what you've lived.
My mother has BPD. There are times that she deals well with it, and other times that she acts out. she gets paranoid and starts idealizing people or deciding that they are evil.
I understand the sentiment "..there is no way into her heart". I've struggled with this for so long, because I love my mother, but I have been unable to reach her. It's like she is a shell that cannot be penetrated.
I think you are making the right steps in realizing that you are NOT responsible for someone else's problems. That is the first step. It is important that you take care of yourself. That you set limits.
I am sorry for the pain that you have experienced and I can relate.
There are some books to read:
Stop walking on Eggshells
http://books.google.com/books?id=PJXvqRR...
It helps you both to understand BPD and to understand how to protect yourself.
I wish you the best.