How do I stop enabling?!
Question: My drug-addict brother has been enabled by my mother and I for the past 3 years... He has been in and out of rehab 5 times now and I have finally realized that he is the only one who can help himself.
The problem is that he walked out of rehab one last time and called me tonight claiming he was homeless and has no place to sleep (and it's cold outside).
I am trying to be strong, but cannot stop thinking about him.... out in the cold.
What should I do???
Answers: My drug-addict brother has been enabled by my mother and I for the past 3 years... He has been in and out of rehab 5 times now and I have finally realized that he is the only one who can help himself.
The problem is that he walked out of rehab one last time and called me tonight claiming he was homeless and has no place to sleep (and it's cold outside).
I am trying to be strong, but cannot stop thinking about him.... out in the cold.
What should I do???
There are shelters and he's manipulating. He had a place to stay at the rehab. He chose to go out there, knowing that you would come rescue him. He has no incentive to get better as long as he knows you or your mother will come save him when he hits rock bottom. An addict can't be an addict without people enabling them. To help him stop being an addict, cut off your support and reinforcement of his bad behaviors. He is a grown man. Let him worry about a place to stay if he's cold. He should have stayed at the rehab.
It is normal to feel guilty. I suggest you attend an Al-Anon or similar meeting which is support for families of addicts.Look online for a listing of meetings. Those people should really be able to support and guide you.
Is there a shelter nearby? Or maybe you could take him in for one night since it's cold out. Just tell him he's doing this to himself, he's had chances to get help and that it's up to him to decide to get better.
Tell him that this is the last time he can stay with you and that you will allow it for one night only (even if this means throwing his things into the street or calling the police).
Then you have to do what you said. People on drugs will lie to get what they want... I'm sure you already know this. Tell him that he can no longer stay with you until you have a doctor's assessment in hand stating that he has been clean or until he enrolls in a detox/dependency program. Until then, you need to focus on yourself. Work hard, have fun. There are a lot of people struggling in life and it is not your responsibility to take care of them. Unfortunately, you brother falls in this category. I'll cross my fingers that he gets help soon.
Writing this was a first step. My husband went through the same thing with is brother and I know how difficult it was for him. His brother used to call and he'd go buy him a cup of coffee and drive off knowing he had no place to sleep.
You have to know that what you're doing gives him only a short term solution to his problem, and you're giving him the ability to continue. My husband got to the point where he knew he had to go about his day and only deal w/his bro on the days he called.
Still hard to walk away - but do it because you know it's best for all involved.
There are support groups you can also go to, or see a therapist to keep you strong enough to stop the process.
Good luck.
Just keep thinking about him out in the cold. He will figure out a way to survive the cold and will eventually realize that you had to get tough on him at some point. When he begs, simply explain why you can't keep bailing him out.
Don't be so hard on yourself . . . and him. He's still your brother, and a human being. Just because he has an addiction problem doesn't mean he deserves to lie outside and freeze.
You shouldn't blame yourself as an "enabler". That's just rhetoric. His choices are his own, and you can either accept him the way he is and still treat him decently, or choose to stay away from him. It's not your responsibility to try to punish him or straighten him out. If you care about him (as it sounds like you do) and want to help him by letting him stay with you, then do so. There's no lack of strength in that decision, it's just simple compassion. However, if you find his addiction problem too reprehensible to want to be around him, then just tell him to fend for himself.
Ultimately, your choice should be about how you feel and the kind of relationship you want to have with your brother. Not about trying to fix him.
If he calls you back tell him to go to a shelter and get serious about cleaning his act up. As a recovered alcoholic i had to come to terms with my irresponsiblity as well as hold myself accountable for my actions.Kindness can kill people who are addicted . i had everyone in my fmily turn their backs on me, including my wife and children.If they hadn't done it i would have died. And no matter what you do, your brother still may die from his addicton .
Not an easy solution to this one. I would recommend to find a shelter where he can stay and live in. Most states would have drug-programs where people can live in for free as long as they comply with testing clean for drugs and continuing a rehabilitating support group program.
What drug are we talking about? Cocaine, Crystal meth, Pills, Heroin?
In any case, providing shelter for the night would not necessarily enable him, however giving him money or cold cash definitely would. Family support is important in his re-hab process. He will go through that cycle many times before he can do it. Keep in mind the psychological factors that pushed him to start using drugs. Mental health would definitely help, even if he goes to a AA, NA, MA, or any 12 step program, these have prov en to help most people leave their addictions and learn to cope in a drug-free environment. Find long-term solutions rather than band-aids to the problem. Eventually he will find his way into recovery and begin being a productive member of our society. Good luck!
PCH
be strong!! he wont freeze. make him be responsible for himself.
tell him to hitch hike to Florida and get a life, you and your mother want yours back.