How do you learn to be confident and assertive and not timid, subserviant or agg!
Question: iam 30 years old, i have had a very tough life full of bullying and victimization...i have borderline personality disorder but i have a lot of PTSD symptoms to.
iam panicky, nervous...avoid going out, except when i have to.....have the fight or flight feelings....i have flashbacks in my mind and in my mind...iam still fighting the bullies and victimizers.
i try desperatly to be confident and assertive, unafraid, but i always fail miserably.
if i percieve iam threatened....or feel intimidated....i quickly become anxious and panicky...hyperventilate....have the fight or flight feelings.....lose composure.....struggle to make eye contact with the person who i percieve as threatening me or looking at me......i can percieve simple looks or glances, as a threat.....i have done for a while and not sure why this is....mainly when im out.
i panic and quickly become aggresive and in a rage, because i feel im not pulling off being confident & self assured...i lose composure
Answers: iam 30 years old, i have had a very tough life full of bullying and victimization...i have borderline personality disorder but i have a lot of PTSD symptoms to.
iam panicky, nervous...avoid going out, except when i have to.....have the fight or flight feelings....i have flashbacks in my mind and in my mind...iam still fighting the bullies and victimizers.
i try desperatly to be confident and assertive, unafraid, but i always fail miserably.
if i percieve iam threatened....or feel intimidated....i quickly become anxious and panicky...hyperventilate....have the fight or flight feelings.....lose composure.....struggle to make eye contact with the person who i percieve as threatening me or looking at me......i can percieve simple looks or glances, as a threat.....i have done for a while and not sure why this is....mainly when im out.
i panic and quickly become aggresive and in a rage, because i feel im not pulling off being confident & self assured...i lose composure
You need to see a therapist. They could work with you giving you assignments that would gradually allow you to try being confident and assertive. If you practiced on small things and worked to slightly bigger and bigger things you have a higher chance of success. However, I really feel a therapist needs to work with you on this. Good luck.
Have you sort professional help, from the mental health services, start with a vist to your GP.
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I had a 20 year old nephew with a similar dilemma. He was always a big kid. People picked on him all the time. Bullies are just people with issues that find by forcibly asserting themselves they can momentarily feel better about them selves. Like a person who needs a fix to get them through the morning or day.
Confidence is something you have to grow. Confidence means no what you are capable of intimately. If you want confidence you have to realize where it comes from and where it comes from is familiarity with who you are and what you do.
I am a very confident person. However, if I was to try working in an office setting or go to over sixties dance, I would feel really awkward and lose my confidence.
If you are passionate about something, then throw yourself into that. If you have other interest throw yourself into that. The reason that managers can give people direction is because they hold the map and know where the people should be and what they should be doing. Managers who don't fall on their face and are soon booted out.
You have to stay in your comfort zones. If you are in an environment right now where you don't have the quiet or the freedom to find yourself, then it is time to relocate and start again. The people who bully you are keeping you from shining. So do something about it.
It sounds as though you have a number of issues going on, and I don't believe that this is the best forum to resolve your situation. You are 30 years old; and it sounds like you have lived with these feelings for a large portion of those years. For that reason alone, I don't believe any flippant advise given on line is going to heal your deep rooted psychological problems. Extensive counseling and possibly prescription medication is the avenue you may need to take. I wish you the best in your endeavor to find help.
Added: I believe you are doing the asker an injustice by just sugar coating her concerns under the auspice of lack of confidence or low-self esteem. True, she may suffer from this as well, but here is a person who by her own admission was victimized and bullied earlier in her life and at points in her life use to, if not now, lashed out at people becoming angry and even growling. Now this sounds like a person who is harboring feelings of despair, no doubt anger and maybe even at herself, and even lonliness. Feelings such as these, if left unaddressed professionally may lead one to suicide or even homicide, and at the least a feeling of worthlessness. I still recommend seeking prefessional counseling. Now when I suggested medication (such as something for anxiety), she may eventually be able to discontinue their use if she learns through counseling how to cope and manage these emotions she's feeling. Until she comes to an understanding of why and how she truly feels the way she does about herself and her future, it is going to be difficult for her to make a positive change.
It sounds like your struggling to find yourself. In my early 30s I to struggled. I searched for answers to many questions and concerns. I than found myself learning more about spirituality and inner healing through meditation. I looked at all types of religious beliefs and ceremonies, I even dabbled in witchcraft. I short, I opened my mind to all.
One very important thing I learned was to forgive myself for being a victim than I forgave all that victimized me. I did this within myself and I had to practice this often to make it successfully. I than worked on my self esteem, finding what I was the best at and building on it until others considered me one of the best at it.
I learned to except myself as what I am in appearance, intelligence, good parts and bad. This allowed me to see the things I could change to make me feel better about me making me more self confident.
There is a lot more to learn and explore about building a better you but for now I hope you might find a little insight from this answer. good luck and remember to smile in the face of intimidation.
First of all, we are not all the same i.e. some people have more confidence than others. EG. I've noticed American women are far more forthright than British women...
We are individuals, with different strengths and weaknesses, and perhaps you should find out your strengths
so that you realise you have a lot to offer other people.
Next, can you scream loudly?
If you can't, you could practice.
(Being able to scream loudly can get you out of trouble! That would help to boost your confidence).
Running, as a form of excercise, will also help you - on grass, not on roadsides, if possible.
You could also see if your local college offers assertive training for women.
I guess when you have had enough of being a victim, you learn to avoid those situations when you feel out of depth, and when you're sick of being bullied, you learn you have to fight back.
I therefore suggest Akido training. Great training - gets you in shape, helps you overcome other people's negativity, teaches you how to deal with aggressive "people"
and you'll meet other people who'll hopefully become your friends too!
re: Panic attacks / Here's an excercise:
My GP told me to concentrate on my breathing i.e. breathe slowly and deeply,
and lift both my arms (almost to a speading wings position), then push arms slightly back and rotate them in circles. (That expands the chest and makes your mind focus on your body instead of the thing that has made you fearful).