How to break out of the "pleasing" role?!
Question: I am so frustrated. I am easily guilted into things and people close to me know this and use it to there advantage. I was promised a promotion back in October, and was told to hold tight after finally getting up the guts to ask about it, and still nothing. I feel bad looking for another job, but I have to because I need to get into another place before I start showing, (I'm pregnant.) I'm terrified of leaving them "high and dry" even though they did it to me and treat me like crap everyday. This is just an example, but its starting to rule my life and I need help. Any advice?
Answers: I am so frustrated. I am easily guilted into things and people close to me know this and use it to there advantage. I was promised a promotion back in October, and was told to hold tight after finally getting up the guts to ask about it, and still nothing. I feel bad looking for another job, but I have to because I need to get into another place before I start showing, (I'm pregnant.) I'm terrified of leaving them "high and dry" even though they did it to me and treat me like crap everyday. This is just an example, but its starting to rule my life and I need help. Any advice?
keep in mind that pleasing people in the manner we do is different than helping people. by all means we should help people. but we both need to learn to stop feeling that way and learn to only please those who deserve it. and i hate being selfish (so i try my best not to be selfish) and i think youre the same way (judging from the manner of your question) and thats partly why we feel compelled to do that. anyway, why am i going off in tangents.... this would not be called selfish, so dont worry about feeling bad for doing that.
may you make the best decision for you.
[EDIT]
this answer isnt just about your job... i felt as if you didnt ask specifically about your job, so i answered this question VERY broadly. remember that it is rarely good to take radical steps without thinking about consequences.... so dont walk out on your job if you dont have to.
i know for sure that you are a very kind person. people take a kind person like you for granted, and will use their kindness to their advantage in a negative way, and in a way that may hurt the kind person.
that is when it is up the kind person (like you) to realize what is happening (im glad you already did) to take steps to minimize people taking advantage of you (there are different ways for different things). for example, say "no, im sorry" to your friends for something (refusal). that wouldnt work with the boss though ;) now back to the boss, talk to them and sorta try to remind them about their proposal of a promotion. and for matters that dont matter much..... dont always think about "oh i wonder what they might think about me" because it doesnt matter (in reference to your friends, or anyone else you might feel compelled to please, NOT the boss...)
Oh honey, I feel you're pain. What helped me is to realize that this life if short and if I continued to live it to everyone else's satisfaction, what does that leave ME. It's not about being selfish, it's about taking control of YOUR life. Everything happens for a reason and it all eventually works out....don't be afraid to live your life for YOU. Be strong.
as long as you let people take advantage of you they will. Look for another job. and stand up for yourself you will soon have someone that will be looking up to you for guidance in life
You have to get to a point where you say...I am not going to do it anymore and I will not be stepped on. I think we all go through this so point in our lives and once you start to think, NO MORE....it will get better. Don't feel bad for looking for work somewhere else. You have to do what is best for you and your needs. Good luck
I had this same problem with people taking your "Kindness for weakness". It seems that you need to learn how how to say "No". It's okay to tell people no. You must understand that you can't please everyone. If saying "No" doesn't work, then start cutting people off. That may seem harsh, but if you don't they're going to continue to use you for what you have/are without remorse.
Only please those who deserve it. Some people just really don't know what the have until it's gone.
I was going to answer this, but I decided not to. I cannot make myself responsible for your problems: I am not that important nor do I need to feel that sense of control. You may be angry and frustrated at me for doing this, but I need to take care of myself at this moment or I will not be any good for myself or anybody else. Your recognition of me is not as significant as my ability to give myself recognition. My self-preservation and inner peace are priorities; only then can I help someone else in a disinterested way.
Don't leave them high & dry, future employers often look at that as a red flag and yes they will know because they will contact your past employers and find out.
I would ask about the promotion again. Explain to your boss that you are asking because you were promised back in Oct. and if it isn't going to happen you need to know now so that you can start looking for another job that pays more. Reassure them that you will give two weeks notice. Sometimes a threat or two week notice is what it takes to get some action.
You have to stand up for yourself. When someone asks you to do something learn to say phrases such as"I will let you know" or "I'll think about it" instead of yes.
If you are afraid of what will happen stop and think what is really the worst thing that can happen about whatever the situation is and is that so bad. When you make yourself face up to things it becomes easier each time, you just have to make yourself do it.
Best Wishes
Well I really feel for you, but your question is complicated.
So where you work, you were promised promotion, this you did not get, so they lied to you and you owe them nothing.
So you have every right to look for another job and any other employer would appreciate this.
However if you are pregnant, no employer will take you on knowing in a short space of time, you will be unable to work!
They will have to pay you, until you can work again.
The only thing I can say and it hurts me, is stay where you are.
After your child is born and you can concentrating, on your future, do so, until then. Just stay where you are.
I am so sorry, but can not help more, Regards Keith
I think Ann S. hit the nail right on the head. Don't ever leave a Company without a 2 week notice. It is never a good idea to "burn your bridges" because it can eventually come back to bite you in the you know what.
You definately gotta stand up for yourself in today's world, because there are all kinds of vultures out there that will take advantage of you as much as you allow them to do it. They love to take advantage of people who are nice, willing to go the extra mile, cross trains to be able to do multiple peoples jobs. Oh yeah, they love that, especially if you ask for nothing in return, ie: a raise for all of your extra work, and willingness. There are still a few employers who actually do appreciate their empoyees, but they are few and far between. I guess I have become a bit jaded, because I have busted my *** in so many jobs, gone the extra mile, etc... only to get stabbed in the back by those who are jealous of my abilities, or because I was already so overloaded with work, I could not keep up anymore, therefore wasn't "doing my job". When I left that job, it took 2 people to do the work I did myself. I thought, you SOB's, taking advantage of an honest hard worker, who put 14 years into that particular job, only to get a few measly raises in the process. I worked the busiest floor in the hospital, and the one no other Unit Secretaries, ever wanted to float to or work for me, because they couldn't keep up.
You should have seen my exit interview. LOL, They gave me all these questions with good, fair, poor, satisfactory, unsatisfactory answers to circle. Well I can't do those kinds of surveys, I have to write down exactly what the problem is, or they aren't getting the right info on what needs to be changed on those kinds of interviews. So i wrote my answers to each question, up the sides of the page, and on to the back if I had to. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when they read it.
When the babes comes along you'll naturally prioritise things & say no to other peoples demands.
Good Luck.