Apology for behavior during bipolar up & down cycles?!
Question: I have several people among my family and friends who are bipolar. One of them was diagnosed very recently after threatening me while he was depressed.
I no longer trust him due to his not apologizing afterwords for his behavior, not because of his behavior during depression. His spouse believes that one is exempt from apologizing for behavior when not mentally balanced. After all, she says, the justice system doesn't punish those who break the law when insane.
My rebuttal is that we do punish DUI behavior, and the matter is one of accountability. If I drank, or if I behaved irrationally and hurt someone due to a medical condition, I can't control what I did, but I can control taking responsibility once I'm back to myself. My other loved ones have no problem apologizing once their medications even them out.
What do you think about accountability and apologies under the circumstances I listed above?
Answers: I have several people among my family and friends who are bipolar. One of them was diagnosed very recently after threatening me while he was depressed.
I no longer trust him due to his not apologizing afterwords for his behavior, not because of his behavior during depression. His spouse believes that one is exempt from apologizing for behavior when not mentally balanced. After all, she says, the justice system doesn't punish those who break the law when insane.
My rebuttal is that we do punish DUI behavior, and the matter is one of accountability. If I drank, or if I behaved irrationally and hurt someone due to a medical condition, I can't control what I did, but I can control taking responsibility once I'm back to myself. My other loved ones have no problem apologizing once their medications even them out.
What do you think about accountability and apologies under the circumstances I listed above?
Honey, when a bipolar sufferer is having an episode, they are in altered mind set like they are high or drunk, but they have no control over their mental state (even if they are medicated) and their behaviour will be affected by this. They do or say things they have very little control over, but when they regain a normal state of mind, will remember what happened while they were manic/depressed and usually feel ashamed and guilty by what they did, even though they were 'under the influence' as you put it.
However, you can't use bipolar as an excuse to get off for being a jerk - one situation is a true medical condition that they shouldn't be stigmatised or held at fault for and one is just being irresponsible and dodging blame.
If this guy really was sick, it would be nice if he apologised for what he put you through, but as it wasn't a voluntary choice to have an episode, he is not really accountable and has no obligation to apologise to you for being sick. You seem to feel entitled to something here and because your expectations haven't been fulfilled, it seems you are transferring your feelings of disappointment/anger onto him, shifting the blame.
How about having some tolerance and compassion towards the guy rather than punishing him for an illness he did nothing to deserve or even court this illness? By the way, he was not in a sound state of mind when he committed this actions, so if what he did was taken to court, this would be taken into account when sentencing him...
All I can tell you is that people who are bipolar are mentally ill. You can't analyze their behavior through the filter of rationality -- because it is, by its very nature, not going to be rational. Don't expect apologies. Some people can control their behavior better than others, so while some might have the wherewithal to apologize, others might not -- or they might be so embarrassed that they don't want to face what they did/said.
Try to have some compassion -- really - he can't control what he does (maybe he will be able to some day, with lots of therapy).
I have a mental illness, and I always appoligize after an episode. You are right--it is about accountability. A mental illness is no excuse for bad behavior. People should not be given slack just because they are MI--if the person hurt you, you deserve an apology...but don't hold your breath--some people refuse to accept responsibility for their actions.
My family has the same kind of problems, and we never even think about not apologizing after we have done something wrong or have hurt a loved one, I think with all the labels of mental disabilities out there it is just giving people an excuse to act out and not take the responsibility of their actions.....you still know what you have/are doing....and you still have some control....but usually people don't even try to control themselves...they would rather give in to their labels and tell themselves that they can't control their behaviors....so yes I think you should still have to take responsibility for your actions....no matter what
I think even the most horrendous acts will recieve forgival given proper amount of time (doesn't even have to be long).
Mornin Butta.. Your friends/relatives spouse that told ou that on is exempt from the justice system based on mental illness is way way wrong!! They may be deemed incompetent to stand trial, but they are in no way released. they are in fact held accountable and held in a state or federal mental institution that is pretty much the same as a prison, Only the focus is on the mental illness, it is no cake walk trust me.
I can also give you something awesome to consider: Alcoholism is considered a disease just like bi polar. both are mental, physical and emotional diseases.. the only difference is in how they manifest themselves.. whoever is feeding you this garbage is only enabling the sick individual and in the long run they are NOT doing anyone any favors..
The person who apologized to you did the right thing in apologizing, It may not have been in the time that you wanted it too be, but they did it, they held themselves accountable for their actions. that is a great thing.. accept the apology.
My larger concern in what you shared is you. You must get yourself into a support group for people who are being affected by other peoples mental illness, especially bi polar! You will be the brunt of many unfair accusations and it will tear your life apart.. Be the one in your family and friends who seeks help, and in that help you will learn how to cope with the devastating effects of this mental illness so that you will be ok and not get hurt by the actions or lack of actions from your loved ones.
Check online, google : Loving a bi polar or How to cope with someone elses bi polar.. there are so many great online groups.. you can talk anonymously and I promise you it will make you feel so much better about all of this crap.
Remember, we all have crosses to bear in life.. Mine was growing up with alcoholism.. I found a great support group where I can talk and share freely all the sad things that happened to me.. all the crap that I heard and was thrown at me.. and I found out how wonderful I am.. I am an awesome person.. just because someone I loved told me differently does not mean they were right..
Good Luck honey and arm yourself with real information.
((((((Butta))))))
Apology is good in any situation. But, it takes a compationate person to understand and except people with bipolar. It is possible that this person is embarassed by the situation. Just accept it. In due time he may come around and make an apology. Just don't make a big deal out of it. You can't change other people, so either accept it, or don't and just stay away from that person. Good luck.
My father is bipolar and he did something so bad but i forgave him. He never apologised but did show remorse. He is on meds now and is under constant supervision. Its really hard, he can't even remember a lot of what he did when he was ill so dont see how he can apologise for things he doesn't know he even did!
People who have been diagnosed with Bipolar disease really do have problems that most of the time can't be helped. I have a family member who has been diagnosed with Bipolar and just ignore things and accept the apology. If you argue back with them it makes things worse. Hang in there.
I am a person that has suffered with a mental health disorder my entire life. I have done many stupid and destructive things. My opinion is that even though someone suffers from a disorder it doesn't mean they shouldnt take responsibility for their actions no matter their mental state. I sure have and I turned out fine - you just have to pay the consequences for what you have done, no matter WHAT.
I have known people who are bipolar as well. Once they are evened out, they are able to think rationally and realize the negative things they did. I think that the person you talked about should apologize to the people that they continue to interact with. I don't think apologizing is a hard thing to do if you've done something wrong.
What I am more concerned about is that this person has guns. People who are mentally ill should not be allowed to own fire arms. It's too volatile. What if one day, he really goes off and decides to shoot people?