Please help :( i dont know how to talk and act around people?!


Question: Hi, thank you for taking the time to read this!
I grew up in a very restricted closed family where my father didnt like socializing. wasnt even allowed to have a best friend that i could talk to or have people over. didnt ever had a birthday party or allowed to go to one!. we travelled alot every 4 to 5 years because of my fathers education and type of work. now that i am an adult, i suffer for it. i tend to say or do things (without meaning to) that are precieved as inappropriate and childish. its very painful,to see people turn away. this has hurt my work and personal relationships, i dont know what to do, i think i have depressin from this, im an adult and can't make friends.it also pisses my bf off.sometimes i just get so frusturated, i feel i cant socialize right at all and end up cutting people out of my life, just to stop messing things up more. i feel stupid and out of place,
Is there any books, video,sites that you know that can help,
ps. dont have money 4 a shrink


Answers: Hi, thank you for taking the time to read this!
I grew up in a very restricted closed family where my father didnt like socializing. wasnt even allowed to have a best friend that i could talk to or have people over. didnt ever had a birthday party or allowed to go to one!. we travelled alot every 4 to 5 years because of my fathers education and type of work. now that i am an adult, i suffer for it. i tend to say or do things (without meaning to) that are precieved as inappropriate and childish. its very painful,to see people turn away. this has hurt my work and personal relationships, i dont know what to do, i think i have depressin from this, im an adult and can't make friends.it also pisses my bf off.sometimes i just get so frusturated, i feel i cant socialize right at all and end up cutting people out of my life, just to stop messing things up more. i feel stupid and out of place,
Is there any books, video,sites that you know that can help,
ps. dont have money 4 a shrink

don't depsair! the key thing is being yourself but keeping other people's feelings in mind. think before you speak is a great rule to follow. in conversation try not to come off as too critical or judgemental of people. here are some links to sites that can help you learn proper manners/etiquette when interacting with others. if you apply yourself you can certainly learn anything that you never learned growing up.

http://www.wikihow.com/Have-Good-Manners



office etiquette is different than other social settings. i found these articles, they speak specifically about proper manners at work...

http://www.seekingsuccess.com/articles/a...

http://www.tesh.com/ittrium/visit?path=A...

i think it also might help you to try to make note of it when you notice someone giving you a funny look or looking offended. if this happens really try to step back & analyze what you said & think about it. try to see from their point of view why it may have garnered that reaction. in doing this it may become easier for you to appropriately censor yourself when talking to others. (ie: filter out some of the things you may be thinking but it's not necessarily appropriate to say out loud)

My anti-social issues were based on something completely different... but here's some ideas.

Go get coffee, and watch... a lot... Eavesdrop like its a sport.

Do the same thing in other semi-social places... watch for verbal ques and body language, try to guess people's intentions. Try to read their reactions...

The problem, as I see it, is that you can't pick up these skills while in the interaction, because its moving so fast...

Try to speak as little as possible, using a knowing grin to slide by(practice in the mirror if you want, its ok)

Books on etiquette, and psychology are your friends... and you can combine reading them (for free) with the coffee activities at a B&N or such.

chill! just be yourself it someone dosnt like it you dont want to be around them anyway. i know it can be tough for some people but just be friendly and offer to help people

Read about Narcissism.

(((hug)))
I don't have $$ for a shrink either. That's why I go to the mental health clinic. You may have one there. I pay based on my income.

I have social anxiety problems for different reasons but I am learning that the only way to get past things like that is to keep going out and being around people regardless. Time will change things. It's really hard to feel so rejected and like you don't measure up though. The last couple months I've been realizing just how different we all really are. It's crazy to think that you or I should fit some certain mold. Often, our relationships may be hurting because we think they, not because they really are. Maybe we just have to learn to not walk away and force ourselves to realize that we are no less of a person than anyone else!! Learn to laugh at yourself when you do something childish. Being a grown up sucks some kind of bad. When the things you do that you don't like start swirling in your mind remember this: You can't control where a bird flies but you can control where he builds his nest. Don't let negative thoughts of yourself stay in your mind. Push them right on out. Fly them out to the ocean and drop them in the deepest part of the sea and put a no fishing sign over it! Every time they try to resurface tell yourself that you are a great person and you are making progress every day and will continue to do so.

Really, it's just a matter of believing in yourself and persistence. I WISH SO MUCH that it was easier than that. For your sake and for mine. I literally have 1 friend. 1!! Ugh. I want so much to go out and meet people and go to coffee shops and concerts... but I'm just not there yet. I WILL GET THERE THOUGH! I believe in me and I believe in you.

GOOD LUCK!

PS. i accept email on here if you ever wanna chat

Well I understand how you feel? My father is the same way well as for me the older i get the more i band his rules until he did no have control over me. But anyway I see what you mean, theres two advice i can only give you. One is take 8-10 second to think before you act on something one thought could be if I do this how would the person would see it in his/her own eyes, another word, look at it in his/her perspective. Second advice is like my High School teacher always say "If you have nothing good to say don't say anything. It makes you look a lot better" but as for you i would say if you were about to say something take 4-5 second before you said it more like the firs advice. Remember Think before you speak and by doing these you will also learn how to react or speak without feeling embarrass about it.

It's such a shame you are going through this. As a kid, being a little withdrawn from society probably went unnoticed or got put down to you just being shy, but as an adult I expect it's so much harder to explain. Along with all that, you probably don't want to have to explain and even worse, other people who aren't very understanding, probably put pressure on you to either explain or be more like them. The truth is that there are hundreds of thousands of people like you in society. You aren't stupid and you certainly aren't alone. Have a read of this web site, I hope it help you to find out that this is a very common problem. http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/

I am also dealing with something such as you. I agree with JCs answer. What has worked for me is to remain fully present in the social environment. Listen to every word, tone, pitch, noise.... Look at every aspect of your scope/view, in detail, the mannerisms, eye contact, shapes , colors, textures... Notice your breath... Feel your energy... Dont be concerned with yourself and Try not to lose focus to any inner mental self-talk or emotional reaction. Stay present. Finally, take a risk and do something different, best something outside your comfort zone. I recommend you read books, and continue to inform yourself on how you can best overcome your situation. Take a look at Spirituality, that could help and you shouldn't need cash for that. Talk to all people, about anything, get talkative, its tough, you dont want to, but there is no easy way out. Courage, motivation, persistance, honesty, you, we got to do it. It is the difference between living and dying. Send much love and strength





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