Sexual abuse and how it effects the other person?!
Question: When i was 8 or 9 i was sexually abused by my brother who is 4 years older than me. At the time, it didn't affect me, i repressed it and it just recently started coming back and effecting me very strongly. I've never said anything about it to anyone, except for very close friends in the recent past.... But thinking about how much it effects me now, it really makes me wonder if it effects him at all... if he remembers it... If he feels bad about it. It was a one time thing and never was mentioned again. We also have another younger sister who is 5 years younger than me. He treats me a lot differently then he treats her. I'm now 19. Now he's very over portective of me. He watches me more than our father does. I'm just curious if you think he acts this way because of what happened? We don't see eachother very often, maybe once every few months. But he still always knows what is going on with me, and asks me questions about everything and everyone i hang around.
Answers: When i was 8 or 9 i was sexually abused by my brother who is 4 years older than me. At the time, it didn't affect me, i repressed it and it just recently started coming back and effecting me very strongly. I've never said anything about it to anyone, except for very close friends in the recent past.... But thinking about how much it effects me now, it really makes me wonder if it effects him at all... if he remembers it... If he feels bad about it. It was a one time thing and never was mentioned again. We also have another younger sister who is 5 years younger than me. He treats me a lot differently then he treats her. I'm now 19. Now he's very over portective of me. He watches me more than our father does. I'm just curious if you think he acts this way because of what happened? We don't see eachother very often, maybe once every few months. But he still always knows what is going on with me, and asks me questions about everything and everyone i hang around.
Very often, the person guilty of sexually abusing a sibling, especially if it was an older sibling, (as in your case, you mentioned he is older than you,) whom you say victimized you, will feel deep set guilt. The behavior you describe, sounds like this may be the case with your Brother. He is overprotective, because he feels he let you down. As the big Brother, he believes he should have always protected you. It is the role he was taught, while he was young. For what ever reason, he was not in the right mental state to behave properly and protectively with you. When he betrayed that trust, his guilt put him in a different frame of mind. He now feels the constant tug of guilt and is hoping in some small way, he can control what happens to you. He may be thinking that by watching over you and keeping track of you and your friends, that he might be able to prevent anything bad happening to you in the future. He may even become more obsessed with spending a great deal of his time, watching over you. When sexual abuse happens in an isolated incident, such as in childhood, by a sibling, the best thing for you to do is, learn to work through it and let it go. And forgiving him can be so therapeutic and healing for both of you. You both hopefully can sit down and talk about it, cry about it or scream and yell, or what ever you and he need to do so you both can get passed what happened between you two. Keep your goal and purpose for discussing it with him, positive, and focused only about what happeed between the two of you, so you and he can get your feelings out, and move on in your lives. He may be relieved to at last, have the opportunity to talk confidentially about this with you. But you need to trust yourself, and be strong and have faith in him also. He has a heavy load of guilt, and you have all the feelings you have, that need to be expressed and validated, as well. This really is the best way to handle this so you both can be healthy, and free to move on to love yourself and each other, and live the good lives you both deserve. Good luck with this, take care.
I can't say for sure but he hasn't given you any reason that he still thinks about it so he probably just trying to forget it happened, which is the best option for you both, but dont forgive him for it.
Read the book "The Courage to Heal" by Laura Davis and Ellen Bass.
For your brother, there is the book "Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse"
by Mike Lew. It is unlikely that he became abusive without first experiencing abuse himself.
It is also unlikely that he will stop being sexually abusive without getting help. Please keep children away from him, as much as you have the power to!
I can't say what goes on in your brother's mind. It's possible he has repressed the memories as well, but it's hard to determine. He may well remember, but when confronted by their victims, most abusers deny any abuse occurred.
Keep away from him while you're going through healing. You need to establish a safer environment for yourself.
I'm sure he remembers and he probably doesn't understand why he did it. It must be because someone abused him in some way--either physically or emotionally--and he took his anger and lack of control out on you.
At his age then it would have been hard for him to have acted out sexually. usually boys at 12 or 13 are afraid of sex to some degree.
I disagree with the above who says not to forgive him.
If you don't you'll forever be suffering.
I know--my sisters both abused me, physically and sexually when I was small. They were about 12/13 at the time. I forgive them both, because they were CHILDREN and didn't know any better.
We don't discuss it, and we aren't exceptionally close because of distance, but I still love them and I feel bad that they were put in that situation mentally by someone else.
Bullox is a complete jack@***!!!
I truly believe that your brother remembers exactly what he did to you. I would be willing to bet he regrets it and feels awful, and he hopes you have forgotten it.
As for his "overprotectivness" of you............its because he feels so bad for what he did to you. he probably never wants to see you hurt again.
Coley, you need to talk to him about this as soon as you can, "call him out" & make him apologize for what he did to you. You deserve an apology!!! If you don't get the apology that you deserve while you are relatively young, then this subject will fester for years on your mind and later in life you will end up hating him for what he did and for never getting the "i'm sorry" !!!!
If your brother really cares for you and your feelings, he will tell you what you need to hear!
Coley, you and your brother are in my prayers......God bless you both!
This can be very damaging. This is incest. I'm sure as he has grown older, he thinks about it and realizes what he did. It sounds like he is feeling guilty about what happened, and wants to make it up to you by being over protective, which in turn makes him feel better. I would ask to talk to him. Sit down and discuss this situation with him. Tell him how you feel and I know he will tell you what he is thinking and feeling. I think this would help clear the air, make both of you feel better, and help you heal from this tragic situation. If you don't and time goes on, you will regret not taking this opportunity to discuss it with him.
I also wouldn't hesitate to seek professional therapy with a trusted sex therapist. You will probably have long term psychological problems from this if you don't. It may affect your future and those you love. You have an open wound now, once it is healed it will leave a permanent scar. You can heal, but you can never forget.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Keep moving forward and give yourself time and the opportunity to heal.
Take care my friend.