How do I stand up to my mother without hurting her?!
Question: My mother has a lot of mental issues that she fails to acknowledge. I had a hard time growing up and moved away at a young age (now 40). I have tried to maintain contact with her by phone and have felt fairly safe and happy with that relationship. The problem is, my dad died five years ago and I now have three little children. Since he died, she all of a sudden wants to become a huge part of my life. She wants to move to my house/province, or at least come for frequent visits. She keeps yelling about "grandparental rights", but honestly, I am lucky to have survived her and to become a functional enough human being to get married and have kids! I believe that I actually have post traumatic stress disorder from living with her. Every time we talk now, we end up fighting about this and she gets very emotionally and verbally abusive. Which is further proof of why I have limited her. What do I do when she won't accept the relationship I'm offering? What do I try next?
Answers: My mother has a lot of mental issues that she fails to acknowledge. I had a hard time growing up and moved away at a young age (now 40). I have tried to maintain contact with her by phone and have felt fairly safe and happy with that relationship. The problem is, my dad died five years ago and I now have three little children. Since he died, she all of a sudden wants to become a huge part of my life. She wants to move to my house/province, or at least come for frequent visits. She keeps yelling about "grandparental rights", but honestly, I am lucky to have survived her and to become a functional enough human being to get married and have kids! I believe that I actually have post traumatic stress disorder from living with her. Every time we talk now, we end up fighting about this and she gets very emotionally and verbally abusive. Which is further proof of why I have limited her. What do I do when she won't accept the relationship I'm offering? What do I try next?
Have u ever read the book i feel guilty when i say no????? One thing you have to do is realize she has the problem not you.The next thing you have to do is get rid of the guilt you feel toward her.You have three little people who needs thier mother whole so that is where you priority lies. If u can manage it schedule little visits either at her house or yours just enough to satisfy her the children and more important yourself. If that doesnt work and u can not get your point across write her a nice long letter expalining how u feel.She cant argue fight nor get abusive if u are not there and she has to listen and think on what u have written to her whether she like it or not.
Distance yourself a little and only a little from her and then just try sitting down with her telling her your problems and ask her do she wants you to do something different and after you talk to her make sure that you are on the same page. If you feel like your relationship is getting better try hanging out a little more and avoid confrontation. Talk with each other and not at each other. Once the difficult things are settled you'll know what to do then. Also tell her about her limitations in a respectful way.
In my opinion, you should make things a lot worse-lilke no visitaions at all-just for a little while so can truly understand where you are coming from. Then maybe she'll accept your original offer.
She may just need a presence with her in the absence of her husband. Maybe get her a pet. Also you have your own kids now and you must look out for their best interest. If you do not believe they should be around her then do not worry if she yells about grandparent rights.