How can I get someone who's depressed back?!
Question: My best friend of 16years and girlfriend has not been with me for a long time. She has closed up into a shell and distanced herself from both myself and her kids. She spends her days playing cell phone games, watching TV, and sleeping. This depression has disabled her and caused me to feel so alone and without a partner and depressed as well. I have absorbed her responsibilities and neglected my own because I am keeping hers afloat. We've been talking about our problems lately and I am trying to make a case that she needs help. While she recognizes she is depressed, she fails to see that it is the result of suppressing the trauma she's endured over the past many years, so she instead blames this on me and our relationship even thought it's been this way since day one and I just didn't realize it then.
Is there anything I can do to help her seek treatment or realize that the problems she has exist deeper than our relationship and not feel as though my saying so is a personal attack?
Answers: My best friend of 16years and girlfriend has not been with me for a long time. She has closed up into a shell and distanced herself from both myself and her kids. She spends her days playing cell phone games, watching TV, and sleeping. This depression has disabled her and caused me to feel so alone and without a partner and depressed as well. I have absorbed her responsibilities and neglected my own because I am keeping hers afloat. We've been talking about our problems lately and I am trying to make a case that she needs help. While she recognizes she is depressed, she fails to see that it is the result of suppressing the trauma she's endured over the past many years, so she instead blames this on me and our relationship even thought it's been this way since day one and I just didn't realize it then.
Is there anything I can do to help her seek treatment or realize that the problems she has exist deeper than our relationship and not feel as though my saying so is a personal attack?
I am married to a man who also suffers depression and has been diagnosed with PSTD or post traumatic stress disorder,from his brutal time he spent in combat in the Korean war.We have been together for 30 years so I have had allot of experience with the decease. He too would blame me for all his problems.He would get to the point where he had to be hospitalized on many occasions. I had to keep coxing him to get help and even though he resented me for doing so most times he woukd come around and realized that this was no way to live then he would seek help.Many people take their lives or are suicidal, that is why you must keep coxing her and do not let how she treats you bother you. You are not to blame at all and once she sees' the light she will really feel bad for blaming you.
She has to get help even her family MD could help and prescribe an antidepressant. THen she will need councelling,but be carefull who councels her their are allot of bad ones go to the most recomended. Mean time keep with her and keep telling her how much she is loved and needed,as she is feeling very worthless now and needs positive feedback. Then stay positive your self and don't get into any name calling or blame game with her.
You may want to tell her that their is help out there for her and she needs to find some for her kids sake, if not just her own.
Wish you the best of luck and GOD BLESS
You could have an intervention, it will work.
http://www.aetv.com/intervention/
WOW. This is a tough one because you said she was 16 and said she has kidS, plural??? No wonder she is depressed. I am not sure there is anything you can do other than keep urging her to get help- medical help and lay off the fact you want a relationship and just be her friend for now. When the depression is treated, I am sure she will see you in a different light and you can take that part of the relationship from there.
Hmmm, if she puts the blame on you, then the problem you have is that she will not take your opinion. She will defend herself (and her depression) and there will only be more of a distance between you if you try to tell her that it is her past.
And, I do not know your situation, maybe she really is not happy with her relationship with you.
The way I read your question, and now I have to be careful not to give you a wrong impression, it seems that 'you know what is wrong with her' and she is not. That makes you both on a different level, and she will react to that by pushing you away. No matter if you are right, or not.
You can try a few things. First of all, try to level with her. Listen to what she has to say, without judgement. Maybe it gives you a better communication and she will feel that she is heard. Give her space to tell her what she feels, listen to her and take her seriously. If you do that, she might loose the feeling that you are putting her in a defensive state. Then, you might tell her your feelings. Don't put her down, just tell her how you feel about the distance there is between you. And what effect you see on your children. To me it sounds that this pattern is damaging the children. It must be horrible to have a mother depressed, and a father going in the same direction.
If this does not work, and she is too depressed or defensive, then you might need help from an outsider. It can be an outsider you know very well, like her mother, or a good friend of hers. Let this person tell her the effect this has on the children and you. Maybe then she will seek professional help to get out of this.
I see your additional details.
Some people with a depression really try to defend the depression. It puts them in a place which can be kind of comfortable. It scares people very much to do something about their problems, and it seems more comfortable to be stuck in the 'poor me' mode.
That's even more reason to show her, maybe through the eyes of someone else like a good friend, the damage she does to her children. In that way, she might choose to fight for their sake and find some power in that. Because having a depressed mom can have a very bad effect on your life. It might be an eyeopener.
Good luck!
Obviously, your friend needs professional help. Also, she has to want to help herself. You shouldn't take on her responsibilities as you only make her dependent on you. With all due respect, she is probably feeling sorry for herself. While at the same time she is trying to make you feel guilty about the friendship. You should remove yourself from this situation. Don't abandon the friendship, but let her know how much this is dragging you down as well and this is not your doing. You need to take care of your things as well. Be there for her but not in the way that she can use you as an excuse for her problems. I know it is easier said than done. In the long run it will be better for both of you.
I hop u got the email. Lots of love 2 u both.