Codependency - what do i do at my age?!


Question: I am 27 and completely codependent on my parents - literally i cant do anything without them doing it for me. My dad always did my financial stuff growing up and my mum the domestic stuff and actually i think they both liked the role especially as i was the baby of the family and they didnt want to let go. I have suffered from severe depression which has made me even more dependent on them, however it is more than that - if i was not living with them i prob would have committed suicide by now - thgey are prob the only reasoin im still here because its not for me because i would just let myself rot away. If i am to get better and have any kind of life i need to stop this dependency but i cannot - i literally cannot think or make a decision without asking my parents for certainty.

I do attend coda but i find its mostly for people and their partners and yes its very embarrasing to be in this position at 27 years old

Im so fckued up arent i - its no wonder im depressed im pathetic


Answers: I am 27 and completely codependent on my parents - literally i cant do anything without them doing it for me. My dad always did my financial stuff growing up and my mum the domestic stuff and actually i think they both liked the role especially as i was the baby of the family and they didnt want to let go. I have suffered from severe depression which has made me even more dependent on them, however it is more than that - if i was not living with them i prob would have committed suicide by now - thgey are prob the only reasoin im still here because its not for me because i would just let myself rot away. If i am to get better and have any kind of life i need to stop this dependency but i cannot - i literally cannot think or make a decision without asking my parents for certainty.

I do attend coda but i find its mostly for people and their partners and yes its very embarrasing to be in this position at 27 years old

Im so fckued up arent i - its no wonder im depressed im pathetic

Oh my gosh - you sound so much like myself, my mother (she now tells me how she did the same thing with her father), my brother, my sisters, my best friend and so many other people that I now choose to hang with for support. We're all working on this (we're all codependent!!!) but it IS getting better - slowly but surely. It just takes "awareness" of the problem and the "willingness" to work on it without beating ourselves up.

You're right, these are "roles" that you and your family are playing with each other. We do this because these "roles" are "familiar" to us - we are use to them. But we can "break out" of them, it just takes time and work. When you begin changing, your family may or may not change with you, but that doesn't matter. Chances are, they "will" change without even realizing it because you're changing. But it's not going to happen overnight. Please don't expect it to.

(Note: My father remarried and "moved out of our lives" - he has chosen not to work on these issues with us and that's okay - I gotta move on no matter what "he" chooses. It still hurts when I think about it, but I choose NOT to think about it too much. For my own mental health, I can't.)

We have to start with "small steps", think "tiny" and don't expect too much too soon. Start making "itsy-bitsy" decisions on your own each day. Find ones that you can comfortably make without having to refer to anyone for help with. Notice these small accomplishments and build on them to get the courage to make larger ones. Each of these small accomplishments will give you more confidence. But challenge yourself to start making bigger ones - even if they feel a little bit scary - even if they don't quite work out - even if they turn into disasters - you have to TRY - you have to work at this, you have to "practice". You WILL have setbacks, but that's part of the process of learning and developing new patterns and behaviors. Finding out what works and what doesn't . Try to focus on the outcomes that were positive and let go of the ones that didn't work out, except to learn from them. Focusing on the negative outcomes only serves to scare us and knock us back down again. Focusing on the positive gives you confidence and strength.

Do other things to raise your self-esteem your mental outlook, your confidence. Start taking better care of yourself mentally, physically and spiritually - in "small" ways at first. It's like working out a weak muscle - if you go too hard and too fast at first, you will hurt yourself and give up. If this does happen, just don't give up - give yourself a break (let the muscle heal for a while) and start again. Start slower this time. Eventually it will get strong if you keep at it. I promise - I know - I'm 48 and have overcome so much in the last couple years. I only wish I had this information when I was 27.

And remember, when something negative does happen, turn around and do something positive, even if it is small, even if it is just saying something positive to yourself to make yourself feel better. Work hard to focus on the positive, not on the negative.

Another suggestion to add to all of this: Find someone you can talk to about the "journey" you're on - someone you trust, someone who makes you feel good about yourself. Find someone who will "cheer you on". A friend, a person in CODA or other self-help group (maybe on the internet). If you are unable to use another person, use yourself - journal. You need to be emotionally "propped up" for a while - and that's okay. It's what you "need" - like a flower "needs" water and sunlight to grow. And it's okay how long it takes. As in exercising and dieting, the slower you do it, the more efficiently you will do it, the better it will turn out. There is no set time period for this. This is "your life" with "your needs". Working in someone else's time frame with their expectations will not help you, it will only set you back again because you are not them and they are not you.

One last thing: I started taking antidepressants a couple years ago and they have helped tremendously also. They helped me to stop "ruminating" on the negative so much. But my life started changing before I started the meds. My life started changing when I started taking care of myself better and loving and trusting myself more.

Good luck with all of this. Email me if you want:

gonetoday@sbcglobal.net

God bless!

maybe you justdidnt get the right kind of help

Trust me you are not alone...it may feel pathetic and embarassing but it is never too late to get help....and there are many others that feel stuck just like you.

Check out this author:

Melanie Beattie (she coined the term codependency and has written many informative very helpful books on codependency)

I would also highly recomend seeking a therapist (one that really fits you) who can help you set healthy boundaries yith your parents that you can feel good about....and many many more things.

Good Luck!!!

You were brought up to be co-dependent you need help to break the cycle. What does your therapist say? Maybe you can take a class on how to be more self sufficient and less dependent on others. Best of luck.

I do that also with almost everyone, right now I'm dealing with the fact that I relied so much on my now EX-therapist that I'm "freaking out" to the fact that I no longer have contact with him. But the good thing is that I do realize this now and no body can "fix" me about the Codependency, it has to be me... and I'd be damned if I'll let any one else even know about this issue of mine. Good Luck, it begins with you..

going to coda won't work unless you actually work the program.

as for your embarassment, you can save your face or you can save your ***,...but not both! park your ego.





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