Thinking about killing myself. Broken, beyond repair. Anyone recover?!
Question: I've decided that I'm beyond repair. I have severe anxiety which leads to depression. The problem is that I hate myself. I think, although this is just a theory, that the enormous amount of punishment and criticism I underwent when I was young caused me to never gain any real confidence in my "self" as a good, worthwhile, defend-able thing. As a result, my entire happiness is determined by being the center of attention, totally accepted and loved by everyone. Any form of rejection is impossible to handle. As a result, I can either become someone I hate and cater to everyone and not care about anyone really and just use people and be the center of everything so I'm loved but a tool, or I can live in isolation because simple interaction is apparently impossible and drives me into pure depression. Anyone else feel this is how they are, and is there any road to recovery? Because I feel broken beyond repair, and I can't stop thinking about how I should just end myself because of it.
Answers: I've decided that I'm beyond repair. I have severe anxiety which leads to depression. The problem is that I hate myself. I think, although this is just a theory, that the enormous amount of punishment and criticism I underwent when I was young caused me to never gain any real confidence in my "self" as a good, worthwhile, defend-able thing. As a result, my entire happiness is determined by being the center of attention, totally accepted and loved by everyone. Any form of rejection is impossible to handle. As a result, I can either become someone I hate and cater to everyone and not care about anyone really and just use people and be the center of everything so I'm loved but a tool, or I can live in isolation because simple interaction is apparently impossible and drives me into pure depression. Anyone else feel this is how they are, and is there any road to recovery? Because I feel broken beyond repair, and I can't stop thinking about how I should just end myself because of it.
Yes, I made it back from the pit. I could have written this 30 yrs ago. Your theory is correct, your feelings were not validated that is why you are still seeking it (attention=validation)from others. Quit worrying about what other people think. You have no control over them but, you do have control over yourself. When you were a child you had no control over the situation you were a victim. Now you are older and are no longer under anyones control but your own. Now YOU are continuing what the people from your childhood started but no one but yourself is making you do this. You can learn to Love yourself in fact this is the most important thing for you to do. Every time you see yourself in the mirror in your bathroom look at your reflection and say out loud to yourself I am a worthwhile person, I love myself. When you first start doing this you don't feel what you are saying but after repeating this for several days then weeks & months it will become ingrained in your subconscious. I know it sounds a little weird but it does really work. There is an old (from the 70s) book called "I'm ok you're ok" it helped me to understand the mechanics of relationships with others and within myself.
The depression will go as you feel more in control of your life.Stop giving others power over you.You are giving them power by worrying about what everyone thinks before you do anything. I know that you just want to escape pain ; that is the main focus. The escape is by taking control and accepting yourself . If you really want to escape the pain you will take the steps that I mentioned. Yes,it is hard but it is your only way out, stop being a victim.
Add me to your contacts and email me anytime. I just might not be able to respond right away due to sleep and work but I will be checking my email several times a day.
how old are you? listen to me: you need to talk email me or call 1-800-suicide even if you just need to vent talk talk and talk im here to help ive been were you at and its not worth it
sweet heart, I know how you feel..... I have felt this way my whole life... And to tell you the truth.... I don't know why and how I am still here...... I can't stand myself...heck I can't even look in a mirror.... But just look at it this way...... DON'T LET THEM WIN..... don't let the things that bring you down.. win..... I know it hurts so bad.... And ending it all seems like the only way out.... But plz..... Don't let them win... like people have always told me..... it will get better.. Even tho it dosen't *sigh*
i need a hug too..
I'm going through exactly what you're going through right now. I think I'm worthless, I think I'm a failure. And maybe it's true.. you have the phase of where you don't listen to other people's opinions, I know just how you feel.
Try talking to someone, like a therapist. Try to tell people your problems, it's better than keeping them inside.
motivation or somebody giving you a pat on the back is not going to solve any problem.
i use to go through the same thing basacly
i felt that no one wanted me
or that no one liked me for who i am
i thought that i was going to be lonely the rest of my life.
but as time go on
things start to straighten out.
i started a local band called twisted mentality.
but it wasnt the fact that i was playing that made me happy...
it was the crowed the people that cheer you on.
they wanted us to play they wanted to hear us.
and that it self feels good.
just find something that interest you.
never give up hope
because once you give up hope
you've lost your life.
and once you lose your life your nothing.
dont let things get you down
dont let the thought of losing somthing stop you from wanting it.
You have just described my life too. I am the same way now as a grown-up. I don't know what to tell you about how to deal with it - I just want you to know that you're not alone. My worst moments in life are when I am single. I cry every night to go to sleep because I feel worthless. I guess having the attention from a guy helps me to keep going because I never got it from family - and still don't. You may want to seek therapy before it's too late.
Listen to me. I am not going to BS you. You are not the only one who feels or has felt like you do. I know EXACTLY what you mean by brokeness--I have felt it exactly too and I have dealt with this same thing for over 20 years now. THERE IS HELP, KEEP READING TIL THE END! ARE YOU TAKING YOUR MEDS IF YOU HAVE THEM? Many times people like us begin to think we feel better and then stop taking the meds thinking we're fine and cause worse problems! I had to learn the very hardest way to take them consistantly. I know it is hard but you have to do it. If you are not taking medicine for this situation, you need to call someone immediately even if it is an ambulance. You need to at least call a helpline or an emergency room if you don't want a helpline where you think they will merely stroke you. What you want is to speak with someone who will not give you that sappy crappy feel-good line, but with someone who can do something immediately for you as in a shot of meds or pills you can take right away!
Trust me, I have been there and felt what you feel. I have felt as if I had no emotions whatsoever, no personality, nothing.
I suffered with that for oh my God, years and years and years even with medicine. NOW, my friend, they have great medicine that can help you beyond your wildest hopes. Please please please call someone who can help you right now, like an ER nurse. You may have to go to the hospital for a short stay so they can evaluate you and see what exactly might help. This is voluntary although the doors are locked to make sure no one hurts themselves. It might be scary, but I've been there and trust me, if you can get meds and a doctor, THERE IS HELP.
It has been one hell of a dark ride into the light, but there IS light. So what if you have to take pills? You'd have to take them if you had cancer, or MS or diabetes. This is exactly like that and it will stop the problem. Also, it may take several weeks or even months for the medicines to work so DO NOT give up after a week or two--they have to get into your system and balance out the chemicals that need help in your brain. Give it time and trust your doctor.
As I said, you are not alone and are not the only one. I have been there too.
i know exactly how u feel, i struggle with OCD and major anxiety and i get depressed from it too, i also have agoraphobia and i feel like a total outcast
i was in an abusive relationship for eight years and lost my self identity, to top it off i have two kids that i keep thinking ill have passed this onto and i hate myself for it
u just have to take one day at a time, find something to live for, something small...u want to travel to europe? swim with dolphins, climb a mountain? something even if u dont want to do it anymore, what is something u used to always want to do...just take baby steps to make it to that one thing in life, that one point...u cant concentrate on a lifetime of changes right now, its too overwhelming so if u can just think of one thing to keep u going thats all u need....do one thing a day to be proud of, even if u just get up out of bed, brush ur teeth and comb ur hair...if thats been hard for u, be proud of that, when u feel able, get dressed, keep applauding urself for everything ur doing to manage through the day
im not sure about ur opinion on antidepressants but it may be an option for u
i dont take them, i not only have a fear of meds but im a naturalist and i believe im feeling the way i feel for a reason, i have to work through it
realize that this is a gift in the end, a gift to someone else, when u get through this ur going to be able to help someone else in ur position, ur going through this for a reason, to be somebody's angel one day (im not religious either) but i am spiritual...i believe in teh universe...
self help is overwhelming when u feel like this...looking at a list of things u have to do or change can about cripple u...buy one book or a set of books for CBT and read one page a day...just one,, one step at a time...teh books id really recommend are 10 Days to Self Esteem by David Burns, andThe Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns, its CBT and its not long term, its short term and can have u feeling just a little bit better in weeks, it can give u hope, once u have hope u have that little bit of rope u need to keep going
i still fall into days i dont want to do it anymore, the panic, teh fear, the depression, the feeling like an utter mess, and yes, broken...im a perfectionist, i just want a new brain, new body, i get mad that i have to go through this, i go through self pity seeing how everyone else is normal, i get angry i cant experience life, i get scared im some mental case, i get scared i wont make it through, i get scared im going to hurt myself or someone else (OCD), its a spiral every day...but stress makes it worse and i know im not doing what i need to do to make it better and thats due to lack of self esteem
u are worth it, i dont need to know u to know that...u have just as much to offer the world as anyone else
talk about it, when ur down, message me if ud like, i know how it feels, despair and frustration and pain is no way to live but it really doesnt last forever, u will make it through, u have a purpose, u will find urself...im still seraching for my self identity, its not easy and its terrifying not knowing who u really are in life...but if im still fighting so can you, im still searching, so can you, ur not alone, there are many more just like you
there are people who are searching and dont even know it...uve been given a gift of insight, ur mind and body are tellling u, ur life isnt right right now, this isnt what the universe wants for u, fix it...as terrible as it feels, it is a gift and yes there are days i tell myself to shut up too LOL and days i forget to believe it...but we are given the chance to see into our souls and delve into life from the inside out...people go through life never knowing who they truly are, we HAVE To find out for the sake of our survival, we HAVE to tkae care of ourselves, we HAVE to face our fears, we havent asked for this but it really is a gift to be forced to soul search and to be forced to take care of our bodies and minds...
good luck
feel free to contact me anytime u need a hand
x
Yup. I did recover. It is a hard thing, to actually be one's own self. Especially when that is denied you during youth. Your whole being seems hinged on other's whims. What worked for me, was serious introspection. I was to the point of ending my life, but I decided I wished to know why I was going to to do it, how that would retaliate, and who would even care. I ended up deciding that no one would care, it wouldn't get back at anyone, and screw them all. I became my own person, and dam whoever doesn't like it. I could care less. I no longer base my life on what I think others expect. I no longer care about what others expect. I do as I please, within the constraints of society. I ended up with a great job, a loving wife, kids, and grandkids. Who all dote on the grumpy old grandad, who always crabs about something.
Take note of this, young man. This could be your future, as well.
I have not met anyone feeling so bad but can relate to you as I too had a life like yours and my son has a similar syndrome. However we were lucky. My case was not so sever and my son had support system in me. I do not think suicide is a good idea as I told my son because you may not believe in rebirth but you don't know and if you do get into another life what is to say it won't be as bad? So might as well live through this one and hope to be rid of all this here and now. Secondly you might not succeed in your suicide attempt and that would not be nice as it surely would leave you in bad health and make matters worse. I would recommend you work with needy people in your spare time. Spare as in time that you don't need to spend for earning a living. When you care for people who need physical help like in a hospital you won't have to worry about how you behave with people. All this I went through with my son. He recovered enough to hold down a job and get married. I also think your inner core is looking for strength it needs to cope with life and is ready to come to grips with its problem. Go for it and stay on line for people like us need to talk. Good luck and God Bless.
You don't believe in God ..but you gotta admit that there's more to being human than just hauling around a bag of meat all day and if we didn't have something inside of this meat bag then we'd be robots!
We are made up of energy and that's a scientific fact. That energy can be infected by anothers negetive energy.
To have that energy field cleansed is absolutely necessary and so many people haul around this toxic $hit and infect others with their funky energy/bad attitude!
Everyone has experienced a look from some person and felt the anger/resentment/hostility that the person was feeling and aimed it at them! Damn, it sucks to say the least! It feels like a punch or being slimed and you can't quite put your finger on it. That's called a psychic attack or being slimed by someones ugly energy!
You can have your energy field cleansed by a Reikki master and believe me you'll feel great!
It sounds like to me that you are around ALOT of people all the time and their crap is really working you over!
If you define yourself by someone elses opinion then you will be left with nothing good! WHY?
People will always try and 'put you in their pocket' and see your value in their terms! BULL$HIT. Don't let them.
Whether you are a viable human being or not isn't for me or anyone else to say because I can never truely fully KNOW your heart and secrets. Only you know those things.
I was abused as a child and have many scars from it but they are SCARS not wounds. Know what I mean?
You have to look into the faces of children that are abused TODAY and find your healing. Trust me you will!!
So many kids have cigaretts put out on them, are raped, locked in cellars, verbally assulted. Start examining these cases and then re-weigh yours. I did and became grateful that I never had cigaretts put out on me!
I'm sure that John Lennon went through feeling this way and he looked for and found understanding in some VERY unusual places! He learned how to accept himself. Best gift one can give themselves. He was weird and that was ok by him and we loved him for it!
Just a couple of insights that may help. You're not broken beyond repair... you just have a significant crack that has allowed you to see yourself more clearly.
This is the place where I am now. One bad relationship after another, and now I'm alone. I know I have a problem and have taken the step to heal myself. Do not accept that the only option is to end it all. I've been treated like dirt by family, ex-husbands and BFs. Anxiety and depression are an illness, I did not know I even had this illness. It makes u feel worthless, and what's the use. I'm seeking counseling and trying meds. I have no friends so have decided to try volunteering. I'm in bad health as well so working is also an issue but there are jobs I may be able to do. I try to take every day as a small step, so as not to be overwhellmed. Also I made a list of what is good in my life and focus on this. I don't even have health insurance but going to a clinic, there is always help if u just ask. Please realize that ending it all is not the answer. I just want to give u a big hug and say it will be alright. Someone cares about you!