How do i come to terms with my dads suicide?!
Question: my dad hung himself nearly 4 years ago, and i still am finding this incredibly difficult to come to terms with. i am told 'to move on' etc but i simply cant. everything seems to remind me of him and lately seem allmost obsessed by him and his death. we had our past issues etc, and a lot of his side of the family blame me, so much so we r no longer in touch - their choice. although i know i am not to blame, well infact i believe noone can be 'blamed', as suicide is a personal decision, i still cant deal with this. i am haunted by so much, and it eats me up. i am, myself, involved in the mental health system, as a service user, have been since a child, but they will not get me therapy etc on this, so am finding i am not only resorting to old eating disorder behaviour to allieviate the pain, but have also sunk into a major depression, nothin which i have ever experienced before. has anyone ever had a parent commit suicide, and if so how have they healed from this? i cant cope!
Answers: my dad hung himself nearly 4 years ago, and i still am finding this incredibly difficult to come to terms with. i am told 'to move on' etc but i simply cant. everything seems to remind me of him and lately seem allmost obsessed by him and his death. we had our past issues etc, and a lot of his side of the family blame me, so much so we r no longer in touch - their choice. although i know i am not to blame, well infact i believe noone can be 'blamed', as suicide is a personal decision, i still cant deal with this. i am haunted by so much, and it eats me up. i am, myself, involved in the mental health system, as a service user, have been since a child, but they will not get me therapy etc on this, so am finding i am not only resorting to old eating disorder behaviour to allieviate the pain, but have also sunk into a major depression, nothin which i have ever experienced before. has anyone ever had a parent commit suicide, and if so how have they healed from this? i cant cope!
Shelley, I've never been through what you have gone through, and if you can imagine the internet world giving you a really big hug right now, then I hope you'll try it because every person that has read your question really feels moved by your story. Unfortunately, not many of us know how to help - and I can guarantee that just being told to "move on" isn't the answer.
My first suggestion is to try to get more help from somewhere. Perhaps your doctor? A local hospital? I'd even look in the Yellow Pages for private counsellors or psychologists that you could talk to. It's disappointing that your local mental health system won't get you any more therapy, but if that's something that you really can't change, then there's no point focusing on it. It'll just add to your stress and frustration unnecessarily.
My second suggestion would be to spend some time by yourself, thinking about your dad - and maybe even talking to his spirit, if you believe in that sort of thing. Perhaps you are having difficulty letting him go because there are still things that were left unsaid - like "I'm sorry", or "I love you", or even "why did you leave me?". Some people might think this is crazy but it may help...
My 3rd suggestion is that if you have any supportive family and friends, sometimes it helps just to talk to them - to discuss your memories (happy and sad) of your dad, what funny or weird things he did, etc. And if you are also able to talk about the last few months / years of his life, it may help put the pieces together for you, to help you understand what he felt and was going through his mind when he decided to end his life. Some people feel very angry with their family members who end their own lives because they see it as a very selfish act, and there is often a lot of anger involved. Maybe this is you, so maybe it would help to talk about the problems he might have had before his death so that your understanding can help you to forgive.
Also, please know that you have every right to still be grieving, and that what you're going through is normal and understandable, especially since your father passed by his own will. I've included a couple of websites (below) regarding the stages of Grief and Loss, and they may help to reassure you that what you're experiencing is normal. It may also help to know that what can really help is if you allow yourself to really grieve - let the tears flow, cry out loud if that's what your body wants to do, punch a pillow if you're angry, yell at your dad if you want - just release all those feelings that you don't know what to do with. When you can really get those feelings out, then you can start to heal.
The last thing I would suggest is that you try to look after yourself as much as you can. Your health and well-being is still very important, and a good state of physical health will positively influence your mental and emotional health, so try to get sleep when you're tired, eat healthy foods, avoid excessive alcohol, avoid drugs, and limit your smoking (if you do smoke). The effects of these last few things just make your natural depression 100x worse!
So in summary:
* Get as much help as you can through professional counsellors, psychologists, etc.
* Get as much support as you can from family and friends (and steer clear of those who blame you or are not supportive, because they will never begin to understand what you are going through).
* Learn as much as you can about your Dad - try to find out what circumstances led to him deciding to commit suicide, and try to understand his decisions so that you can forgive him (if you feel that this is another cause of your depression).
* Learn as much as you can about your grieving process.
* Take good care of yourself.
I'm very sorry for your loss Shelley. I hope some of this is helpful...
remember the good times you had together?, thought so now keep on rembering them and move on from there slowly but surely
i havent had your experiences sweetie, but my heart goes out to you. i would recommend that you speak to mind or some organisation like that to see what options are available for you. it might not feel like it, but there must be a light at the end of the tunnel if you yourself can evaluate and see that you need help.so your on the road to recovery, but dont do it alone. best wishes to you. xxx
Nothing anyone can say is going to take the hurt away. I'm depressed too and have been for three years since my mum died and I have not been able to get out of it yet. I live in hope but as the years roll on I do wonder if I will ever get better. My dear you have my deepest sympathy.
I'm sorry about your dad. I bet you still miss him and probably always will.
Please remember the spirit of suicide lingers around and you must protect yourself from it. Please find time to talk to a priest if therapy is not available to you. The Catholic and the Orthodox Christian churches have a lot of writings on the spirit of suicide.
You will be surprised at how knowledgeable the Orthodox Christians and Catholic Christians are about such matters.
what can you do? we all have problems we just gotta keep our chins up and keep on moving
Shelley my dad commited suicide when i was 13, he did this after a massive argument with me, this was on a Sunday, i found his body on the Monday. There are ways of coping, the most important thing is not to look for guilt and not to allow anyone else to put their guilt on you. Only one person is guilty and that is the person who decided to take their own life and leave others to deal with the mess that is left behind. You are not mailable or i would tell you more. Take care and good luck.
I know of this situation, about the same time too, this person/man was separated, and had a daughter, he got involved with a very presurising manipulating older married woman, that sent him over the edge, he could not escape her, she washed her hands on her own family and caused major upset, i dont know how this mans family now cope, its dread ful. But the married woman has now made amends with her own family and all is hunky dory. It will take time for you, but of course its not your fault. You story makes me think its the same person ?
Okay.....we can't change your reality. It fu**in happened. What do we do now? I'm sure if he knew that it would have driven you this nutz he wouldn't have done it. Selfishness is not the motive behind suicide. It's to eleviate constant unbearable emotional pain. I take meds for my unbearable emotional pain. They help me cope for the most part. I also try to find pleasure in life. It's hard. Life is difficult.
dont be sad. just reamber evreyone leaves this place but we all meat up with each other sooner or later. part of him is still with you so dont be sad
You probably need professional help to help you process through these feeling of guilt and issues associated with your fathers Suicide. What does your therapist say? Self medicating and destructive behaviors are not the way to deal with this, you need to develop better coping skills and a Therapist may be able to help you there. You need to Grieve, but move on with your life don't be afraid to ask for help.
hmmm...
If I were you, I would pray and seek the peace that only God can give you.
it's been almost thirteen years since my dad died under horrible circumstances, but not a suicide, like your poor dad...But rest assured of one thing,..the Bible tells us that the deceased know nothing, he is at peace, asleep, and just like he went to bed and didn't wake up..he is not burning in Hell, or floating up to Heaven, just peacefully at sleep...you are still mourning your dad, and how many times I still cry uncontrollably when I need him to be here again,when no one else was...You were never to blame, He probably had underlined issues that no one even knew about....families that are grief stricken, sometimes blame others, but the fact that they would blame their granddaughter, is telling about his life in general...they are probably guilty themselves, but can't handle it either....forgive them, love them, and know that your Father is always with you, in your heart, where no one can remove him...Forget the mental health system, and try asking God and Jesus, to help you through this time, They are truly the great healers...My prayers are with you, and always keep your 'darling' close to your heart
My father commit ed suicide 5 years ago on my birthday..we were not on speaking terms he called me the night before his suicide ..I never answered the phone ...I can really understand how you feel ..I still wonder what he was going to say,If I could have stopped it if I just answered the phone..,but what happened was not my fault ,he was mentally ill,depressed and a drug addict he was so far gone that he could not find any hope to exist it was easier for him to die than face his own torment he was in a darkness that he did not have the will to climb out of..he left 11 children behind to bear his sin...and have it react in our lives in many different ways..coping with the loss of a parent is hard ,but the reality is we must go on we still have our own lives to live wall have a purpose here ..I was ready to commit suicide about 6 weeks ago my son died last year in a road rage accident and the darkness that followed was unbearable ..be good to yourself life is a struggle ,I know for a fact...but the beauty of it is aw some, seek it out...
I do believe that "grieving" is a process that must be experienced fully before you can even consider moving on. Allow yourself to feel sad and grieve and cry for your loss... the things in your life that reminds you of him... hold onto them in your hearts and treasure them for your father lives only in memory. Then try letting go... when are ready..
Resorting to eating disorders, as an act to punish yourself or just to numb the pain, may not be the best way but I accept your experience and struggles.
Healing does not come easy... but do know that there are others who care about you and hope that you will find the courage to step out from pain and suffering.
My Regards to You
First I am very sorry for your loss. If your involvement with the mental system is not working for your benefit to deal with this horriffic trauma, then you need to talk to them and explain specifically the treatment you are looking for, and how to get it, or unfortunately, start digging yourself. Everyone is different when it comes to the healing process. Not everyone heals in two weeks, or a couple of months, some people it takes years. I have not had a parent commit suicide, but have had severe trauma to me, and that was in October, with little bits of healing. To boot, I suffer bipolar disorder. Please understand it is you that is trying to heal, not eveyone else. I am in the phases of shock, bargaining and guilt. Your emotions will go up and down like a lightning bolt. This is a very traumatic experience for you, talk about it, I do to a therapist, a psychiatrist and a support group online. Again, I am very sorry. :(
During 2001-02, we lost 10 family members. It was devastating. We had one suicide and one possible suicide (an overdose). You lost your father under extreme circumstances. Plus, you were unable to resolve your differences or say goodbye. Adding family tensions makes this even more difficult due to the complexity.
Honestly, people told me to