This is for men who lost their fathers young? Or their partners.?!
Question: My partner lost his father when he was 12 and he has never dealt with it. What i am wondering is if anyone else has had to deal with this later in life because he is drinking heavily and being abusive. I don't want to leave he isn't a bad man, he actually has a very big heart and we are going to a therapist next week. Has anyone been through this and what can i do to help and to get him help???
Answers: My partner lost his father when he was 12 and he has never dealt with it. What i am wondering is if anyone else has had to deal with this later in life because he is drinking heavily and being abusive. I don't want to leave he isn't a bad man, he actually has a very big heart and we are going to a therapist next week. Has anyone been through this and what can i do to help and to get him help???
I cannot say if your partner is an alcoholic or not but a previous person hit it in one when saying he is in pain and actually may not realize it or what is causing the feelings he has which no doubt he does not talk about.
I was married to my soulmate in 1975 and in 1979 we had our son, Ross. Three years later she died from cancer of the brain after a long and terrible illness at the age of 30. I shut down inside and did everything I could to get the best medical care and I did. One thing I did not do was talk to her about it which I know now she needed. I thought I was protecting her but was hiding from the pain of the inevitable.
Grieving is a necessary part of getting back to normal but I was told I was "perferctly normal" and I believed the idiot psychiatrist even though I felt far from normal.
Long story short I remarried 3 years later (for the wrong reasons as it turned out). My second wife had twin boys in 1986 but had no maternal instinct and was from a very distant family whereas mine was close knit (almost too much so) Anyway my new wife decided we were moving from Ireland where I had a great job and we came here in 1988. Yes an adventure for a while and my fourth son was born here in 1990.
My wife noticed I was having serious bouts of depression every year which got worse as our relationship got worse.
One good thing she said was that I had never dealt with my first wife's death and I walked into a funeral home and asked for the person who leads grief counselling. I started the journey of recovery then in 1994 but was already waiting to be referred to a psychiatric facility as I basically was having a complete breakdown. I talked about my excessive drinking to the referring psychiatrist but he did not seem to hear.
I finished the grief work there with the help od a wonderful lady spiritual advisor who helped me let my first wife's spirit go.
I also admitted I had an alcohol problem and at the end of four months I transferred to the addiction treatment side of the hospital. I have been an active member of AA for 13 years now and still had to struggle with depression for a long time and lots of changes, some unpleasant, like a nasty divorce.
Today I have the love and respect of my 4 sons, I have been given the ability to help other alcoholics and have never experienced peace like I do today
Sometimes I wonder what it might have been like if I had the tools and awareness to deal with my grief at the right time but I also believe our experiences make us what we are. For what this may be worth, maybe a gentle suggestion re grief counselling could start the road to emotional peace.
I hope your partner takes some form of action as the way he seems to be will bring him down.
All you can do is be there when he needs you. When he is ready to move on he will.
My boyfriend lost his dad two years ago. He's never spoken about it, rejected any support and downright refused councilling. The truth is, you can't make someone deal with something like that. Its just too hard. All you can do is be there for him, even though he might not use the support you give him. You also need to realise that, theres not alot you can do. I worked that out the hard way. Because the thing is, you can't fix something big like death, and although time heals, it never completely goes away.
I know it is sad to say this and you probably don't want to leave him but if he is drinking and being abbusive, you need to put your safety and wellbeing above his and get out of there. You can't help anyone if you can't help yourself.
Your partner is in pain and is medicating with alcohol. You may want to go to Al Anon meetings in your area. These meetings help people who are friends or family of problem drinkers. They help you learn to trust and take care of yourself while living with a heavy drinker. He has to want to stop drinking and see that he has a problem.
i've heard that dianetics has really helped people who have lost people in their lives.
i've heard this from more than one person - that it's helped them deal with it.
i've never personally ... but i really saw a change in this person... after doing the dianetics therapy. i've heard you can even do the therapy yourself, or you can go to a dianetic therapist - there's this DVD that tells you how to do it.
anyway,
good luck.
you've in a difficult position.
i found my dad when i was 19 and that turned me into a nastie depressed morron it was the worst thing i ever did better off with out him stick by your man he loves you and needs you even if he tells you other wise !! be there we all need someone !!!!!!!!