I don't know how to grieve...?!
Question: I tend to stuff my feelings down, and fix everyone else's problems. I'm having some old traumas resurfacing lately, and I don't know how to deal with it. I know that I need to really allow myself to grieve these things...but I honestly don't know how. I almost feel like I need to find out how to grieve.
I have never just SAT with my own intense emotions and just said, "it's ok to feel this way." Now that I'm ready to do that, I just keep finding things to do when I get to that point. I start crying, and I'll get up and go somewhere else, focus on something...I just ignore it. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with crying. I cry more often than most people I know, in fact. But I cry about POSITIVE things. Anything negative, if I can't hold it in, I end up going to the bathroom to cry, or somewhere else where I can be alone.
This is so weird! How do you grieve?
Answers: I tend to stuff my feelings down, and fix everyone else's problems. I'm having some old traumas resurfacing lately, and I don't know how to deal with it. I know that I need to really allow myself to grieve these things...but I honestly don't know how. I almost feel like I need to find out how to grieve.
I have never just SAT with my own intense emotions and just said, "it's ok to feel this way." Now that I'm ready to do that, I just keep finding things to do when I get to that point. I start crying, and I'll get up and go somewhere else, focus on something...I just ignore it. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with crying. I cry more often than most people I know, in fact. But I cry about POSITIVE things. Anything negative, if I can't hold it in, I end up going to the bathroom to cry, or somewhere else where I can be alone.
This is so weird! How do you grieve?
Hi Gaia,
I'm sorry about the traumas. And sorry you are having trouble grieving them. I'm in a bit of a weird space right now, so I'm going to ramble on you and see if it helps any.
I cry about about positive and negative and just "touching" things. It is something I love about myself, actually, but it took awhile. My parents were/are great, but my when I was feeling like crying and trying not to, my dad would yell "don't you dare cry!" Which is exactly what you would do if you wanted to make someone cry! And then he would say "we can't talk to you now, you're hysterical!" So for a long time I had a huge problem with crying when I was angry or frustrated, which I hated because it was so disempowering.
What ended up giving me control, ironically, was really having something to cry about, something to grieve. In my case it was pregnancy losses. I was lucky, I think, in that I was never taught not to grieve and express my grief. So I just emoted all over everyone, but mostly over myself (and to a lesser extent my husband), for several months. Since then I don't cry nearly as much out of frustration.
For me there was productive grief and also less productive. What really worked well to help me work things through was ritual. I made several altars, inside ones and outside. I collected all sorts of little things that were symbolic to me, both of things I needed to grieve and of things I wanted to nurture. And I lit candles and just sat there (literally) and called up my feelings and fantasies. For me some of that involved a higher power -- in my case a Mother Goddess, but a lot was just clearing my mind of thoughts and letting the emotions flow. Easier said than done, I know, as I am very much in my head.
I'm going to post this, and come back later with more...
Okay, I'm back, at least for a bit:
I actually did rituals with other people as well. I had my first ectopic pregnancy on my birthday, so when the next birthday came around I had to do something, but a party wasn't right, so I had a healing ritual. It was sooo wonderful and powerful.
Another thing that really helped me was an online support group. Mine was a yahoo group, but there are all sorts. I don't know if that would work for you, or if it makes sense for your sort of trauma experience, but for me it was great to be able to get support, and more importantly to give it. In the first stages of grieving in real life I was just "taking" from other people--being nurtured. And that was wonderful... but not exactly empowering. The yahoo group let me give support to others, early on and based on my own grieving. So it made it seem like there was some point to it all, some silver lining.
And formal counseling helped me A LOT also.
And finding a place to just scream.
And really hard core punk.
And I told people my story, over and over. I literally told strangers, and made some wonderful new friends.
So there's some ideas from me. Take what works and leave the rest (hmm, where did I hear that?!)
Love, Andrea
ETA:
Mom5grlz suggestions were great! Journaling can be wonderful. I tend to do my "journaling" in communication with someone other than myself, which was why the yahoo group was so great. And telling my story was a way to do that also, for me. It is funny, I live very much in my head and am very self aware (too much so, sometimes), but somehow for getting in touch with my emotions it helps me to be >in communication< with someone. Hmmm
She also made me think again about music. The punk was only for the angry parts of grieving. For the other parts it helped me soooo much that we are huge "folk" music fans and have lots of friends who are singer-songwriters. So many of our favorite musicians' songs deal with emotional issues, and for me listening to them brought so many of my feelings to the surface in a way that rational thought could not.
Not sure what sort of issues you are dealing with, but one favorite songwriter is Bob Franke.
http://www.bobfranke.com
A great review of him:
http://folkserv.net/pipermail/folkmusic/...
One amazing song by him is "A healing in this night" It looks as if you can listen to it here (I'm listening to something else on my computer right now, or I'd test it).
http://www.artistdirect.com/nad/store/ar...
"Thanksgiving Eve" is another nice one, and the lyrics are here:
http://www.bobfranke.com/lyrics.htm#Than...
"Hard Love" could be good if the issues are right. Here are the lyrics:
http://www.bobfranke.com/lyrics.htm#Hard...
and the mp3 for this one is here:
http://www.bobfranke.com/mp3.htm
And "For Real" is amazing also:
"...There's a hole in the middle of the prettiest life
So the lawyers and the prophets say
Not your father nor your mother
Nor you lover's gonna ever make it go away
And there's too much darkness in an endless night
To be afraid of the way we feel
Let's be kind to each other
Not forever but for real..."
We know a lot of other amazing songwriters, so I don't mean to just tout Bob, but his songs seem more universal than most and seem like they would help to heal more people.
My husband made me a mix tape of healing songs, and it was so very helpful to me in grieving. I probably have it around somewhere, and if you listen to some of these and find them helpful, I could probably copy it for you -- if you promise to at least consider purchasing some of the CDs from these wonderful but often struggling musicians.
Email me and I'll send you A Healing in the Night lyrics, or heck, I'll give you my phone number and you can call and I'll sing it to you!
More ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
Hi Gaia,
Learning to be alone with yourself and your thoughts is hard. Yoga classes help. Otherwise play some soothing music sit down and write in a journal. It will be amazing what you write down. Next read what you wrote down aloud over and over again so those words will hold no power over you. Your emotions will come pouring out before you know it. Your are not alone. Best of luck. Email anytime.
gaia-
i think you are going through something sooooooooooo normal. and i also think it's very normal to defend ourselves ("i have no problem with crying").
perhaps you are at a new stage in your own life, things you are looking at in your future are forcing you to look at things in your past.
i think this is actually more common than people realize.
to answer your question, i think gireving is ultra personal. sometimes people can sort of get it, on the other hand, every situation is intensely personal.
i do not think any form of grieving is right or wrong. i think we are humans. humans are very selective in a ton of ways. some of us select to react in one way, and others in another way.
so i guess my answer is that i don't have the right answer.
the most important thing to recognize is that no two people feel the same or react the same, and i encourage you to feel your own feelings and reactions.
boy, some of these Q/A on here make me want to just reach out and hug people.
i wish for you to not feel alone, and to ask for people to hear you and help you.
you are loved, believe me.
j
Grieving is such an intensely personal experience. I remember being in counseling when my ex was in rehab and how very hard it was to focus on my own issues. There were so many things from my own childhood I needed to release and let go of.
I ended up writing a "I must" and a "I must not" do list (hope that makes sense). Like I must not expect to ever be loved. I must always walk ten paces behind anyone. My list ended up being two full pages. I remember being in my therapists office with that list and still couldn't bring myself to talk. I was so ashamed of my feelings. When I finally worked up the courage to read them (choking on them all the way) I sat at her desk while she sat with her back to me. It was the only way that I was able to acknowledge them. It was one of the best things I have ever done for me.
I learned that day that I could forgive myself and other people and let go of my hurt and my shame. I have to add here that when you forgive someone it does not mean that you ever forget why felt that way. For me it transferred over in raising my own children. I was determined that my kids would never be made to feel the way I was.
Wow! I'm just so moved by everyone's responses! Thanks for the question and thanks to everyone for your answers!
One thread that runs through them all is that we all grieve in our own way, it seems. I think first I would suggest that you not JUDGE the way that you grieve. If you do it in little steps, or all at once. If you do it alone in the bathroom or with a friend. Or in the car with the stereo blasting REO Speedwagon's "Roll With the Changes". Oh, yeah...that would be me. LOL
So, if you begin to cry, then turn your focus on something else, give yourself permission to grieve JUST LIKE THAT. Taking a little break, or time out, from the grieving. It's FINE. There is no "proper" way, or even a "better" way to grieve.
We humans are very adaptive. We can disassociate from our own emotional responses to trauma - which is a powerful coping mechanism. The little "break" may be your psyche's way of protecting you.
Something I've learned is that no matter how much I talk about the things that happened to me, talking doesn't make it feel any better. Talking with SOMEONE is an important part of grieving, don't get me wrong. Especially talking to someone who can & will validate your experiences. Talking alone hasn't allowed me to release all the grief I've felt.
Another thing that has helped me is trying to embrace my grief, rather than running from it or fighting it. As one friend of mine said, some things in life you can't go around, or go over, you just have to go through.
When I'm really stuck, there's nothing like a good "cry" movie, like 'Steel Magnolias', or 'Always'. For me, crying at a movie is a "safer" way to release my own sadness. Does that make sense? Like living vicariously through another...grieving vicariously, I suppose.
Plus, all the wonderful ideas shared here. Journaling. Rituals. Yoga. Forgiveness (read, "The Art Of Forgiving" by Lewis B. Smedes for what forgiveness is and IS NOT).
http://www.amazon.com/Art-Forgiving-Lewi...
Also, read some of Alice Miller's books, like "The Body Never Lies". She writes about finding a "helping witness". http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php
http://www.nospank.net/miller24.htm
The last thing I'll ad is that I've discovered some things take a long time to fully grieve. It may take years. Some memories will always be sad ones and no amount of grieving will make them feel any better (or hurt any less).
Hope this helps. God bless!
PS Our experiences help make us more compassionate human beings...
Everyone else has given such awesome answers; I really don