How come I'm always subservient to my parents at 30 & struggle to articulate!
Question: i honestly feel ridiculous because of it- its like i feel afraid to assert to express my true feelings.
and i feel even more ridiculous because im now 30..
i have ptsd and borderline personality disorder, ive had a very traumatic and difficult life- suffered mental and physical bullying throughout my life......was sexually abused at 3 years old by older kids that were staying over at my house..
my mum was over protective towards me and smothering, she used to take me out of school when i was being bullied and keep me at home...so id have months off missing out on mixing and normal development.
my dad is a man of the world, has alot of friends and is very influential.....but i felt he was also very authotarian and controlling growing up....like domineering......strict......but he was also loving & often weak in the way hed let my mum keep me off school...
today when my dad rings me, i still behave all timid, or afraid to assert and articulate myself, words wont come & i feel deeply
Answers: i honestly feel ridiculous because of it- its like i feel afraid to assert to express my true feelings.
and i feel even more ridiculous because im now 30..
i have ptsd and borderline personality disorder, ive had a very traumatic and difficult life- suffered mental and physical bullying throughout my life......was sexually abused at 3 years old by older kids that were staying over at my house..
my mum was over protective towards me and smothering, she used to take me out of school when i was being bullied and keep me at home...so id have months off missing out on mixing and normal development.
my dad is a man of the world, has alot of friends and is very influential.....but i felt he was also very authotarian and controlling growing up....like domineering......strict......but he was also loving & often weak in the way hed let my mum keep me off school...
today when my dad rings me, i still behave all timid, or afraid to assert and articulate myself, words wont come & i feel deeply
It is very common to have the feelings that you are having toward your parents considering the background that you came from. Inside a man's body, you are still a frightened little child waiting to be loved. There is so much pain inside of you that it makes you want to explode. These feelings of betrayal, insecurity, rage, and abuse have to be dealt with. You will find that when working with a therapist trained in sexual abuse and mental health issues, you will start to get back your life again. You have been a helpless child your whole life, but a new life can start again for you when you get your self esteem back and learn some boundaries with others as well as assertiveness training. Be encouraged, what you are experiencing is treatable. Don't give up.
I could tell you all sorts of things to do and say, and it might be right. But I would be stupid to think I could fix your problems. The way I solved my problem was to join the Army at the age of 17. That pretty much solved all my young minds worries. But I think you should see a Therapist, and that way, solve the problems with the right guidance. You don't have to be in misery, get help. Good luck.
Right now, you are ruminating your experiences. Some distress must have triggered you to write these down.
You mentioned you are waiting for therapy. In the meantime, please call the hospital hotline, where your therapist is being assigned to you.
You mentioned you are subservient to your parents.
You are able to observe and list out your feelings. But you do not know how to dispute these confusion. Inertly, you try to find a reason for disputing away these confusion and you thus, unconsciously assume that the root cause is the bad experience.. then you are not sure about it and you put in more current experiences to substantiate your "findings".
All these ruminatings right now, is not healthy for you. You only go deeper into feeling more and more upset.
Please relate these and also this email you had posted here, to your therapist when you see him or her.
Online here, I cannot tell you how to overcome. Therapy is the most concrete method to help you identify and recognise your emotions. But to change your life for the better, you must have the mindset first, that you are going to get well, and you want to be well. Yes many things have happened. Your experiences will help enrich alot of people going through the same thing as you are now, if you determinedly overcome this in future.
not to worry about or rush into how you must change yourself overnight.
Please continue to see your psychiatrist and therapist.
I can relate in that I have controlling parents. My mother in particular is very harsh in her controlling of me. Even though I am an adult (I'm 19), she doesn't allow me to leave the house without her or my dad (even if I just wanted to go for a morning bike-ride, she wouldn't let me in fear that I would somehow - and the chances of this happening are one and a billion - get run-over by a car).
Another example: Last week, I went to pick up our food we ordered from a resturaunt. It was raining, so the traffic was bad. Overall, I was slowed down by maybe 10 minutes. Because I wasn't home on time, my mom went out looking for me, thinking I had been kidnapped. I return home to find my dad screaming at me, saying, "Why weren't you home on time? I had to deal with your mother screaming at me!" I tried to explain that it was raining and the traffic was bad, but he didn't seem to listen. He then told me to call my mom, who he said went out looking for me (after she yelled at my dad for telling me run an errand for the family, which he wanted to do so I wouldn't be stuck in my room all day doing nothing) because I was a little late.
She's done the exact same thing many times, not just this one instance where I was 10 minutes late from picking up our food-order.
One thing that befuddles me is how my mom gets angry at me for being a loner. But my being a loner happened as an adaptation, a way of learning how to enjoy being with myself at home. My mom wouldn't let me go outside or do anything; she sheltered me because of her irrational and pathological insecurities: I therefore turned into a loner. But she gets angry at me for being a loner when it was her fault for making me this way! What an idiot!
Anyway, I'm probably rambling by now. I could give a lot more examples, but I think you pretty much get the idea now.
What I'm doing is making plans to free myself from my mom's bondage over me. I recently got an entry-level factory job that pays roughly $19,000 per year (to start with - the pay goes up), which is enough to sustain myself. Once I am free, I'll be able to figure out ways to earn money outside of my job without my parents trying control me. From there, the sky will be the limit! :)
Of course, I'm still living with my parents. I plan to live with them for maybe 6 more months so I can earn money without paying for rent or food.
That's what I recomend for you: Find an entry-level job at a factory. It should pay enough for you to sustain yourself. You'll be free and independent. Once you're free from your parents' bondage, you'll be better able to further yourself.
i think you have a very traumatic life experience.being sexually abused at the age of 3 is already traumatic.have you ever told anyone about this? to a guidance counselour in your school maybe when you were younger?
you are submissive to your parents maybe because you are thinking that they will do anything to protect you and as gratitude you prefer to be submissive.
hey! don't worry too much...you have taken the first step of attaining your goal in life and that is acknowledging what it is that bothers you.
experience and time are the best teachers in life.whatever happened in the past must be very painful but it happened already...life must go on.nobody had lived a perfect life...you know.if those experiences in your childhood are way too painful and you can't let go of it get yourself a proffessional help if you want....or talk to your best friend about it,maybe it will make you feel better....talking about your problems to someone you trust helps make your soul breathe....gives you more confidence and strength to move on....
i hope that this could be a help to you...
take care of yourself and goodluck!!!!
Did you ever figure out,that you actually RESPECT them? in spite of what they have done to you, you are being a very sweet, respectful person, to people who dont deserve it...don't worry the Lord will and does look favorably on you and that's really all that matters