My childhood is ruining my adulthood and need to know how to break free?!
Question: As a child, my parents taught me nothing. I didn't have much interaction with other children, I never had any support, was never taught responsibility (never had to study or clean), never had any consequences for my actions, etc etc... I just grew up physically, never became a capable adult. I had horrible and unsteady friendships, was desperate for male attention (resulting in bad boyfriends and 2 rapes that my parents didn't seem to mind), attempted suicide, injured myself regulary to cope with my pain and dropped out of school. All with no consequences from my parents. When I moved out and found my soulmate (who is a high school graduate, an aspiring musician and video/music producer, and a great husband) my parents almost wouldn't let him have my hand in marriage. Now 21, going to college part time and working part time (35 hr/week), and struggling with my damage, I feel completely and utterly uncapable of anything.
Answers: As a child, my parents taught me nothing. I didn't have much interaction with other children, I never had any support, was never taught responsibility (never had to study or clean), never had any consequences for my actions, etc etc... I just grew up physically, never became a capable adult. I had horrible and unsteady friendships, was desperate for male attention (resulting in bad boyfriends and 2 rapes that my parents didn't seem to mind), attempted suicide, injured myself regulary to cope with my pain and dropped out of school. All with no consequences from my parents. When I moved out and found my soulmate (who is a high school graduate, an aspiring musician and video/music producer, and a great husband) my parents almost wouldn't let him have my hand in marriage. Now 21, going to college part time and working part time (35 hr/week), and struggling with my damage, I feel completely and utterly uncapable of anything.
I'm sorry for what has happened in your life. One thing that comforts me is when having people with similar struggles. I find a lot of similarities in my life but I wouldn't say I've had it as bad as you. I don't have a solution for you. I find that what would probably help me the most would be to have someone to reach out and love me and discipline me to change. That of course you can't expect. I would think the most helpful person to you would be your husband, but I don't know what your relationship is like.
I think learning to love and respect others is very important as well as respecting yourself. Pyschologists are only there to guide you. Nobody can make you change but yourself. Now I totally understand what you mean by helplessness. And I'm not trying to give you 50 cent tips. I often feel helpless myself. I put my hope in the faith that there is something greater in life than just myself. I tend to focus way to much on myself. When I start being around others and just enjoying what others have to say I start to bring my attention on others and that relieves some stress. The problem with me is I put myself in bad circumstances and I'm inconsistent. It helps to have someone by yourside to push you when your weak.
Now I don't think you have much controll over the effect of your problems. You can't deceive yourself into thinking everything will change by some magical words. And its hard to know everything will change when you've never seen the light out of the tunnel. But you got to find a hope beyond that. Its better to risk the defeat from trying then to not try at all and as a result not be living.
I don't know if I have helped you or not but from reading your question and answering it, you have helped me feel better.
*EDIT* I know exactly what you mean! You feel unmotivated to change. I feel the same way. I have given myself sermons on how to change but it just doesn't happen! or I say "just do it" like the Nike commercial and it doesn't happen! Well if you don't think much will happen don't expect much to change quickly. I've tried to change for years feeling like it nothing was changing. But I come to find out that I indeed changed a lot! By no means was it to my satisfaction though. I just imagine being a totally different person in unrealistic time set of like 1 year.
Sorry if I'm sounding like I'm treating your situation like mine. You may have unknown talents or you may just need to work hard to get better. There are tons of successful people I know who weren't naturally gifted at stuff. But even success is a deceitful word. Many people give so much credit to people with natural talents when there are people of far greater character and work who get put off as nothing. Why should circumstanceses and natural abilities determine the worth of a person?
A person with integrity, perseverance, and love who makes millions of past mistakes is greater than one who is successful but is dishonest and selfish. You got to start living in the present. Forgive yourself and others of the past. All you have control of is the present. If you try to live in the future by trying to change everything you'll get frustrated as well. Just live in the present to be the greatest person you can be. You have no reason to get down on yourself for things you have no control over. You are accountable for the things you NOW have control over. The weight of the past may seem impossible to control the present but thats where you need to practice patients. Maybe you don't have much control. But the things you do have control of seize the opportunity. Eventually, the more you are able to control easy things in your life the more you have the ability to control bigger things down the road. If you screw up don't even care about it. Just focus on the next thing you have control of.
Doing this has helped me be confident in myself. Now I don't worry much about what people think about me as I used to. I also know that if I really want something I can do it. I find the hardest thing for me is to give up limiting thoughts or obstacles that you feel have to be dealt with. "What will happen", "I'll fail again", and "This won't work" are still there but as I learn to take control of things I prove the doubts wrong. And the more experiences you have of proving the "I'm am incapable" thoughts by doing something you are capable of doing, the more you'll know you can defeat it. And once you know you can defeat it you will.
Try past life regression to get rid of anything holding you back, tell the regressionist to ask you to go to your "point of entry"
try it you have nothing to lose.
You shouldn't feel that way. Sometimes having such a childhood like that would mold you into a person who can take care of herself, and be highly self motivated. Don't think about the past, the present and future is what's important right now. Do something healthy to keep your mind off your childhood. I like reading anime and drawing, and it helps me cope with all my stress, or even listen to music that symbolizes breaking free.
Well, this is just my opinion, but have you thought about picking up the Bible? I didn't have the childhood you did, but mine was filled with strife, anger, yelling, unhappiness and a weightiness that no child should have to grow up with. My parents always told me to make something of myself but never taught me how to do it. I love them, and I understand now as an adult that they had there own problems, too, when I was a kid, but that doesn't change the fact that they disregarded 18 years that they could be teaching me how to be a successful, functional adult in the world.
I used to talk to friends, I saw a therapist, I wrote in a journal, I made to-do lists. You name it, I tried to make myself what my parents didn't make me. I was insecure, angry all the time, I had a tendency to fly off the handle and want to hide away from everyone, all the while keeping a phony smile on my face and pretending everything was fine.
It wasn't until I started to read the Bible--and I mean read it and study it, not just go to church on Sundays or take someone else's word for it. There is a wealth of guidance and hope that I know you will find helpful if you give it a shot. You might even try to join a support group at a local church and talk with others who have gone through or who are going through some of the things you've been through and get healing there.
I'm so sorry you had to endure the things you did when you were growing up, but you DESERVE better than what you're giving yourself. No one else can change your circumstances but you. You need to start with your thinking and every time you think a negative or self-deprecating thought (much like the ones in your question), cast it down and replace it with a positive thought. Start saying out loud positive and loving things about yourself, even if you don't believe them. ESPECIALLY if you don't believe them. Determine to remove any and all negative speak--especially that about yourself--from your vocabulary.
Once you get your thinking under control, your words will follow. Once your words are under control, your actions will follow. Once your actions are under control, your life will change. It will be a long process, but it's better than being where you are now.
I wish you the best of luck. I really do.
Well you have taken the first step, you know that you need to change. Unfortunatly I think you are not helping yourself by saying no one understands you and that therapy is no help.
Yes your situation is difficult, and no one will understnad you exactly, everyone thinks and feels differently, everyone has lived through different life experiences, but in what is considered the "normal" world, these people are trained to help out with such experiences. You are self defeating yourself by that attitude, in thinking that you are so totally different from everyone else that the pshycologist has spoken to and helped. You need to be open to their suggestions and opinions. No matter if it is hard, or seems cheesy, or you don't think it will really work or you don't understand why, you need to do what is suggested you try to do, and you need to stick with it.
You also need to realise that 1. it took years to develop and grow into how you are today, it will take years to undo it.
and 2. In the end no matter how much medication is pumped into you, or how many people you ask for help, or ideas you are given, or how many people cry or yell to try and get you to change none of it will ever work to change you, the only thing that will change you is yourself. It has to be a total dedication, constant reminder, constant practice, constant effort from you to change. Your past is in your past, it happened, it was bad, but it is over with, you are the only one who is determining your future, not anyone else.
This may sound like a bunch of bull to you, but it's really true and it worked for me (I had a sucky childhood also). Everything important that I ever learned, I learned from animals.
Take dogs, for instance. Dogs never think about the past. Actually, they never think about the future, either. They live in the present. They greet each day as if it were their first AND their last. You see, they don't even think or know about dying, because nothing really matters but right now to them. Dogs don't try to be something they're not. They are happy being who they are. Dogs don't lie to themselves or others. What you see is what you get. They don't hold grudges. They are unbelievably forgiving. Even if people may have been mean to them all their lives (like dog pound dogs), if you take one home, they still have enormous love in their hearts and they don't hesitate to show it. And they don't care who knows it, either.
If you have ever had a pet dog, or have been around a pet dog of someone you know, have you ever noticed that it's the simple things that make them happy? When you come home each day, there they are, just as happy, thrilled, and excited as they were yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that.
I could go on about what horses taught me, but I think it would be getting carried away. Suffice it to say that I think the world would be a whole lot nicer, better place to live if we all just tried to be more like dogs.
You have a lot of baggage. I think we all do, and it's very hard to overcome it. But bearing all that baggage is a heavy load that shortens your life. You have to talk yourself in to forgiving (and remember--forgiving is not the same thing as forgetting). You have to talk yourself into believing that you want to move forward with your life and be happy. Be good to yourself. Once you have forgiven the trespasses of others, you are released. You can go on with your life.
We really never grow up to become adults but rather become adult-children. I know exactly where you are coming from and there is a word for this and it's called "nurture". I was a foster child at 6 days old and as I grew up I often felt there was something wrong with me, I had trouble learning in elementary school, was picked on for being short, constantly sick and was allergic to everything under the sun and my foster parents were "emotionally unavailable".
That was a long time ago and today things are the opposite because I learned to embrace my inner child and give myself the love and nurture I never received,
I have learned to accept that I have no control over other people (or my parents) but only myself and my reactions, I have learned to stop being a "yes man" and become assertive and cease approval seeking.
I have taken up martial arts and I wouldn't trade being 5' 4" for 6' 4".
I hope you see the pattern here, I was doing these things as a kid and grew up, as an adult, in this mode. I was repeating my past.
I feel you should start focusing on your good qualities, beware of critical self talk and replace it with nurturing self talk, find a hobby you will enjoy, find yourself a understanding therapist and start healing your inner child. Take care of yourself and find yourself a therapist!
Find what you enjoy in life and move your life in that direction. Try to forget the past.