Bereaved mother and daughter?!


Question: My husband was killed 18 months ago in an accident,we have a 10 year old daughter. Both myself and my daughter have spoken to CRUSE( bereavement counsellors). 12 months ago the woman he had been having an affair with decided to tell all! Daughter now refuses to visit her fathers grave ....... I am angry about it how dare she bring this out now and also WHY?????? How can I help my daughter get through this?


Answers: My husband was killed 18 months ago in an accident,we have a 10 year old daughter. Both myself and my daughter have spoken to CRUSE( bereavement counsellors). 12 months ago the woman he had been having an affair with decided to tell all! Daughter now refuses to visit her fathers grave ....... I am angry about it how dare she bring this out now and also WHY?????? How can I help my daughter get through this?

That's a tough spot to be in. It is only natural that your daughter should feel betrayed and angry, and sometimes it is best to accept those emotions from her and let her express them naturally rather than supress them. If she doesn't want to visit her father's grave right now, that's okay. That's just how she feels right now, but I'm sure that will go away with time as she comes to terms with the situation and accepts it. Remember that a 10-year-old's mind is very different from an adult's or even a teenager's. Give her some time to overcome the trauma of her father's death and the added emotions that come with finding out this news.
Have you talked to her about it? Make sure she realizes that it isn't her fault, it doesn't mean that her dad didn't love her, and let her express how she feels. You might also want to consider discussing this with your counselor.

That's alot for alittle 10 year old to go through. I'm so sorry for your loss. I think you should bring your daughter to more than a bereavement counsellor. Go see your doctor and they will help you with a pediatrician psychologist. I hope this helps you and your daughter. Take care!!!

this is very hard indeed!
your daughter is angry cus the memory of how her dad was is ruined by the seedy affair.... u need to explain to her that he was how she remembered and that not everything was a lie.
explain to her the he did love her... she needs closure!

By giving her time, it won't go away just like that, it's a betrayal of all that she believed or knew about her father. It won't be easy for both of you, but if you stay strong, someday she may be able to find forgiveness in her heart, but don't expect a quick fix.

What an evil woman ! Did the affair really happen or just a figmant of a jealous woman's mind ? Clear that in your own mind and then talk about all the good things you all shared together. It will take time for you both to come to terms with your loss. I found the Samaritans helped me loads when i felt lost.................

When I was 12 my mother died in a car crash which was 3 years
ago and in the same case a man who happened to be my best friends dad opened up and told us that he had been having an affair with my mother and I did the same thing It took me a while to get over it so maybe just give her some time to think about it and soon she will get over it and realize what a loving man he really was .

Not easy - just protect her. Give her time to accept what has been said or happened.

Then, as time goes by, she will gradually come to terms with it. Here is where you need to be strong (what he did was wrong - no questioning that) - you need to, despite your own feelings, let her know that he made a mistake and that you accepted his answers and apologies for it happening.

She will learn form you, that it can be forgiven (you may not want to forgive but, you have to think of her as well). Whatever you decide to do - don't make her hate her dad. Encourage her to accept his mistake and most importantly - make absolutely sure that she knows he loved HER.

Your daughter is very angry with her father because after he left her (by dying) she then found out that he wasn't the daddy she thought he was. She needs to feel this anger and be able to express her hurt and sadness that Daddy also loved somebody else that he had kept a secret from her. You don't say how you feel about this, but your daughter will be watching very closely your reactions and how you deal with it. Your anger appears to be focusing on the other woman, and it could be that maybe your daughter feels that she needs to be angry with your husband for both of you.
I'm afraid you and your daughter still have some very painful feelings to work through. Given that she is at an age where sensitive handling is crucial I think you need to do this with a bereavement counsellor or family therapist. My best wishes to you and your daughter with this

That must have been hard for a 10 year old.
It will be very sad for her to lose her father.
Tell her it wasn't her father's fault. She was probally angry at
her father for having an affair with another woman and not telling you and your daugther.
Speak to her calmly, try to get her to visit her father's grave again.
I know how she must feel. It is really upsetting when you know your parents have been keeping something from you or if your parents had betrayed each other.
Take her to a phycologyst, tell her the reason why she's going or she'll be upset and she will think you think she is mad or mentally ill.
Don't get angry at her or shout at her, that will make the situation worse and she will get more upset and more angry.
However you are angry, don't shout at your child. It is not their fault. They are still young.

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Good Luck to you and your child!





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