I'm losing control and no one (not even me) understands?!
Question: I'm losing control and no one (not even me) understands!?
I have a history of severe depression, anxiety, attempted suicide and self mutilation (addiction to cutting lasted 5 years)!. People around me like to say I'm "past this" but anyone who's been there knows that it never really goes away!.
I stopped cutting myself almost 2 1/2 years ago!. Last time I attempted suicide was 4 years ago and up until about 2 months ago I was doing really really good!. I have a great job, making good money especially for my age and have unbelievable potential!. I live with my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years who I love with all my heart and I thought we were doing good!.
Then some stuff happened, everything changed!.!.!.at home at least!. Now he's gone all night and when he's home I cant control my anger and I drive him away!. I have all this pressure and stress and cant handle it!. I'm supporting us and I hate to say I'm dissapointed in him but it feels like all our dreams and goals are lost, I tried to keep it alive but now I'm just working myself to the bone without even believing in it anymore!. It's just something to occupy me, if I sat around in this apartment (which I'm alone in all night) all day I'd go insane!.
Problem is!.!.!.I think I already am!. I lash out in violent fits, I throw things, hit thing, hurt myself, abuse "substances" and yell and scream at him or just at myself when I'm alone!. I cry all the time and it's gotten to where I've thought about it so much I cant talk about it anymore!. I want to cut myself sooooo bad!. I think about it all the time and how it would just serve him right if he came home and I wasn't there or was dead!.
This is where I never ever wanted to be again! He is trying!.!.!.at least in the last couple days it seems true!. I'm just afraid I cant bring myself back!. I'm so dissapointed as to how things were and how they were supposed to be!. I've lost all faith and trust in both of us and really don't want to keep going!. I go to work because it's routine!. I'm at the top and praised constantly at work but I just think about if they really knew!. The "stuff" that started happening are things I cant talk about with anyone who doesn't do those things too!. So I am helpless, alone, and so sad and lonely!. I just want my baby back!.!.!.but I'm afraid now that he's trying I have already given up and un-attached too far to make things right again!.
I just wish I didn't have to wake up and face this again!. I want to sleep forever!. Any advice!?
Anti-depressants and Counseling both failed horribly!.!.!.my depression, self-mutilation, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies I had to overcome on my own!. By myself!.!.!.and I did it but I don't think I have anymore strength left!. I've been through a lot!.!.!.!.You wont understand this at all because there is no way I could go into what I have seen and been through and done!. I just cant find the strength to keep going!.!.!.Www@Answer-Health@Com
I stopped cutting myself almost 2 1/2 years ago!. Last time I attempted suicide was 4 years ago and up until about 2 months ago I was doing really really good!. I have a great job, making good money especially for my age and have unbelievable potential!. I live with my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years who I love with all my heart and I thought we were doing good!.
Then some stuff happened, everything changed!.!.!.at home at least!. Now he's gone all night and when he's home I cant control my anger and I drive him away!. I have all this pressure and stress and cant handle it!. I'm supporting us and I hate to say I'm dissapointed in him but it feels like all our dreams and goals are lost, I tried to keep it alive but now I'm just working myself to the bone without even believing in it anymore!. It's just something to occupy me, if I sat around in this apartment (which I'm alone in all night) all day I'd go insane!.
Problem is!.!.!.I think I already am!. I lash out in violent fits, I throw things, hit thing, hurt myself, abuse "substances" and yell and scream at him or just at myself when I'm alone!. I cry all the time and it's gotten to where I've thought about it so much I cant talk about it anymore!. I want to cut myself sooooo bad!. I think about it all the time and how it would just serve him right if he came home and I wasn't there or was dead!.
This is where I never ever wanted to be again! He is trying!.!.!.at least in the last couple days it seems true!. I'm just afraid I cant bring myself back!. I'm so dissapointed as to how things were and how they were supposed to be!. I've lost all faith and trust in both of us and really don't want to keep going!. I go to work because it's routine!. I'm at the top and praised constantly at work but I just think about if they really knew!. The "stuff" that started happening are things I cant talk about with anyone who doesn't do those things too!. So I am helpless, alone, and so sad and lonely!. I just want my baby back!.!.!.but I'm afraid now that he's trying I have already given up and un-attached too far to make things right again!.
I just wish I didn't have to wake up and face this again!. I want to sleep forever!. Any advice!?
Anti-depressants and Counseling both failed horribly!.!.!.my depression, self-mutilation, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies I had to overcome on my own!. By myself!.!.!.and I did it but I don't think I have anymore strength left!. I've been through a lot!.!.!.!.You wont understand this at all because there is no way I could go into what I have seen and been through and done!. I just cant find the strength to keep going!.!.!.Www@Answer-Health@Com
Answers:
Firstly, it is very brave of you to admit what you are going through!. Most people with these problems tend to keep it to themselves and not seek help or comfort, thinking people will brand them as 'pathetic' and whatnot!.
Secondly, through the books I've read (I don't have the titles with me now so if you want them, you can ask me), depression never fully goes away!. Personal example: I stopped counselling and medication for depression a year ago and all was well, but it came back about a month ago due to a 'trigger'!. Your trigger might be the changes at home that you mentioned!. Once you defined what your trigger is, it will be easier to manage the depression comeback!.
I am happy when you said you want your baby back and that he's trying!. It shows that he really wants to be with you!. Most people who don't quite grasp depression often leaves, simply because they can't/won't cope with it or they can't/won't understand it!. Even though you feel that you've given up, stating that you still want him shows that you still want to make the relationship work!.
You don't have to overcome your self-mutilation, depression and suicidal tendencies by yourself!. What all people facing depression need is a patient companion who will listen to you without judgement, which is why most of us go to therapy and counselling!. When you don't have strength, it helps to lean on those you trust!. If your country has Befrienders (a helpline for the depressed), give them a call!.
I wish you the best of luck, and please don't give up!.Www@Answer-Health@Com
Secondly, through the books I've read (I don't have the titles with me now so if you want them, you can ask me), depression never fully goes away!. Personal example: I stopped counselling and medication for depression a year ago and all was well, but it came back about a month ago due to a 'trigger'!. Your trigger might be the changes at home that you mentioned!. Once you defined what your trigger is, it will be easier to manage the depression comeback!.
I am happy when you said you want your baby back and that he's trying!. It shows that he really wants to be with you!. Most people who don't quite grasp depression often leaves, simply because they can't/won't cope with it or they can't/won't understand it!. Even though you feel that you've given up, stating that you still want him shows that you still want to make the relationship work!.
You don't have to overcome your self-mutilation, depression and suicidal tendencies by yourself!. What all people facing depression need is a patient companion who will listen to you without judgement, which is why most of us go to therapy and counselling!. When you don't have strength, it helps to lean on those you trust!. If your country has Befrienders (a helpline for the depressed), give them a call!.
I wish you the best of luck, and please don't give up!.Www@Answer-Health@Com
Have u tried a psychiatrist, u probably have!. But if not, they don't counsel u or nothing (at least mine didn't) but they work with u until u get on the right medication and then u stick with that medication!. Also, have u tried an inpatient hospital!?!? It helped me, but it didn't!. They didn't get me on the right meds there (I was only there for a week), but they realized I had PTSD, it got me to see a psychiatrist, and got me on the right meds!. Then, later I found out I had ADHD, and Bipolar 2!. Also, ur right about one thing, it NEVER goes away!. I still have thoughts about cutting and I haven't done it or had a major depressive episode in a while, even though I'm not on meds ne more cuz I couldn't afford em (I was on meds for 5yrs atleast)Www@Answer-Health@Com
It sounds as if you may be a candidate for having Bipolar 1 or 2 disorder!.
I have BP 2 and have experienced similar symptoms!.
Since anti-depressants didnt work, I'd ask a dr about a mood stabilizing drug!.
There are new and wonderful mood stabilizers on the market today!. Personally, I take lamictal!. It has worked wonders for me!.
Find a good therapist!. It can be a long long process, but when you find one you mesh with well, it's priceless!.
Hang in there, you'll come out of it soon!. Make sure to vent to someone often!. If you don't, it all builds up like a pressure cooker, and manifests itself in bouts of rage and violence!.
Whatever you do, don't give up!. There are probably a lot of people who love you and want you to seek help!.Www@Answer-Health@Com
I have BP 2 and have experienced similar symptoms!.
Since anti-depressants didnt work, I'd ask a dr about a mood stabilizing drug!.
There are new and wonderful mood stabilizers on the market today!. Personally, I take lamictal!. It has worked wonders for me!.
Find a good therapist!. It can be a long long process, but when you find one you mesh with well, it's priceless!.
Hang in there, you'll come out of it soon!. Make sure to vent to someone often!. If you don't, it all builds up like a pressure cooker, and manifests itself in bouts of rage and violence!.
Whatever you do, don't give up!. There are probably a lot of people who love you and want you to seek help!.Www@Answer-Health@Com
you're right in that no one can understand YOU for exactly your feelings, but many can relate!.
I've been and still am depressed, i carve into myself, and all that stuff, and i know the point where you think "why am i even bothering, can't i just give up and never wake up again!?"
or the "i want him to see me dead and feel guilty"
but the thing is at this time, you HAVE to think with logic!. It's a problem that may never go away, but just try to think of happy times, and think in the long run!.
aside from counseling, you should find a close friend to confide in!. and about anger management, it's difficult, but try to remember to count backwards, or if you have to, take it out on a punching bagWww@Answer-Health@Com
I've been and still am depressed, i carve into myself, and all that stuff, and i know the point where you think "why am i even bothering, can't i just give up and never wake up again!?"
or the "i want him to see me dead and feel guilty"
but the thing is at this time, you HAVE to think with logic!. It's a problem that may never go away, but just try to think of happy times, and think in the long run!.
aside from counseling, you should find a close friend to confide in!. and about anger management, it's difficult, but try to remember to count backwards, or if you have to, take it out on a punching bagWww@Answer-Health@Com
I went/am going through something very similar!. I used to cut myself and all that but now wouldnt even dream of it because i am past that and i have a little girl!. she has changed my life!. But aparently she hasnt changed my husband's (and her father) he is gone constantly doing who knows what saying he is working on side jobs and blah blah blah but who knows, i just find something else to do well he is gone instead of dwelling on it som much!. I wanted to have the perfect home for our daughter and we ended up getting evicted from our home that we spent so much time and money on and he doenst care!. So i figure if he doenst care that he upsets me so bad i dont care that he is a a hole and doesnt deserve me!. i push my feelings aside to avoid hurting my daughter which isnt good, but its better then fighting every night!. good luck dear!. Www@Answer-Health@Com