A peaceful RIP decision for the sake of myself and other people?!

I just came from our work christmas party!. It was celebrated as a cocktail party and
i was kind of tired coz i work before then after everyone else left the office!.
When i got to the cocktail party, its only about 15-25 people went!. Some are friends
and other are in the other company!.

I have been alone for 2 years, not in a contact from friends but only from my ex (we broke up
2 years ago) and mom!. Reason why i dont hang around with people anymore coz I cant be myself and
feeling really really sick in my tummy!. Whatever goes in my head to make the situation uncomfortable
I do it!. Like, When a husband of some lady talking to me and i dont listen to him but just to
make the situation unfortable my brain locks-in and put more attention in his wife!.
NO MATTER WHAT!. Im trying to not to listen to my brain, but i end up looking such a weird
retarded person!.

Back to the work party!.!. I was introduced into someone's husband and i did the same thing so that
guy was staring at me when he can everytime possible!. I was on the other hand, was struggling and
i dont know what to do!. And when iwas talking to a old lady once coz she seems relaxed and start
talking to me and some young female came and just disturbed me mentally and i couldnt focus on the
lady anymore and what she was trying to say anymore so she end up looking where i want to look!.
THis is rude, horrible, desperate or some crapp!.!.!.

Well at least im home now in my own unit, but for some reason my mom keep calling me again and again
tonight for no reason, might be the situation im feeling getting reflected to her (she lives
200km from where i am) and she keeps calling to come and go visit her and now she wants to visit me!.
I dont know if nature trying to tell me that there is a chance but however i dont feel really crap
yet, just floating from maybe a couple of drinks from the party!.

SO, from all these uncomfortable situation, I ask myself, what is my brain telling me!? Why do i do it!?
My answer is, i need a partner coz i dont feel insecure anymore!. Not being cocky, but i dont think
it will be hard for me to find a person without this personality im carrying coz i know i got some
looks and all it needs is effort to talk to one!. But i cannot produce that effort if i keep feeling
sick in my tummy socially!. So there again, i ask myself, why do i feel sick in my tummy!. what is so
hard!. So i notice that i cannot lie or pretend!. yes it is very hard, from then i get attached to
horoscope to know what i should be really doing, and iread some part of the article that it is
very for me to not tell the truth, is it an incoincidence or something but doesnt affect me anyway
coz i cant do anything with myself!. So i ask again, is it my job!?!?!? Im too focus and travel an
hour every morning just to get there!? It could be but i ask myself, if i cant deal with that,
i would find it hard to live life so forward is my key no matter what!. I have been so many doctors,
however im not in my prescription but im more into herbalist or something natural coz chemical medicine
for me is wuite hard to deal with, affect me badly with coordination and alertness as i am a
creative person in the company and i need those brain to be creative!. I once tried that depresssion
and anxiety drug but it drops my brain dead at work and didnt even know im already staring at the keyboard
and not doing anything but being still and feeling paralised!. So i stop those things and changed to
natural medicine while im giving as much great diet as i can!. yeah, My herbalist gave me a diet
and so now i just eat veges, and grains, no meat, no dairy, no refined process foods/less addittives
preservatives and whatever you want to call it!.

So, all these things, i have tried!. I ditch my friends (due to smell from pressure), I lost my gf
coz she thinks i changed and she thinks she did too eventhough i just found out that im just really
tired to keep things in my shoulder but i couldnt xplain that to her as im committed to what I do!.

So now i lost them both (friends and partner), but she ended up being my best friend now and help
me from struggling and now she lives with her new bf!. So in other words she is just a normal but
close friend now!. SO, i really have nothing in life, but my car and my work!. Most reason why
i keep that work so i can help myself from all these issues!. No saving saved, all into
my diet, natural medicine and all for my health to get better especially socially!. Im the only
one for my mother as a son!. This is why im doing this!. We live in Australia!. Probably the biggest
reason why im alive too!. WIthout her, i could just easily kill myself but her kindness, hardworking
just to get me out from a squatter area where i grew up which i realises she has a lot of gut!.
So its hard for me to make a decision about cutting myself out of this world coz i know she was
being so generous to me, very kind and help me with $ if i needed coz shWww@Answer-Health@Com

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