I was over the fact that I have a severely dysfunctional family until I had a ba!
Question: I was over the fact that I have a severely dysfunctional family until I had a baby!?
And now all the pain is coming back!.
Was physically, emotionally abused by both parents and sexually abused by my Dad!. My brother doesn't believe me about the sexual abuse so he hates me and hates my mom for her abuse but not my Dad!.!.!.
I caused them to get divorced when I reported my Dad!.!.!.or they would have sent me to a foster home!. My Mom had to think about it for 2 weeks!.!.!.whether to give me up or not!.!.!.!.
My Mom and I have reconciled but she still only cares about herself!.!.!.
Have an order of protection against my Dad and he and his side of family have threatened to hurt me!.!.!.he tries to track me down and harass me I can't give out personal info like phone # and address or he'll find out!.!.!.
Then I married someone with a screwed up family (not as bad as mine) but still pretty bad!.!.!.emotionally and physically abusive!.!.!.they do drugs every day!.!.!.I couldn't date someone with a normal family because once they found out about mine it was all downhill from there!.!.!.at least my husband understands me somewhat
But I had moved on until I had my baby and I realized that all of HIS family is screwed up because HIS famly is OUR family and I feel like it's my fault and I just shouldn't have procreated!.
My son is wonderful and beautiful and deserves the best but instead he's getting what we had!.!.!.!.and I feel guilty about it!. We have thought about just cutting ties with everyone but not EVERYONE deserves it!.!.!.but we can't be around the people we get along with without being around the crazies!.!.!.!.
At least he has 2 good parents who love him and are together!.!.!.but when I see other babies his age at their first birthdays surrounded by loving family and I have to know that my son will never have that and all the things I will have to explain to him one day!.!.!.!.I just feel like crying!.!.!.I just wanted better for him
Can anyone relate to this and say anything that could help!?Www@Answer-Health@Com
Was physically, emotionally abused by both parents and sexually abused by my Dad!. My brother doesn't believe me about the sexual abuse so he hates me and hates my mom for her abuse but not my Dad!.!.!.
I caused them to get divorced when I reported my Dad!.!.!.or they would have sent me to a foster home!. My Mom had to think about it for 2 weeks!.!.!.whether to give me up or not!.!.!.!.
My Mom and I have reconciled but she still only cares about herself!.!.!.
Have an order of protection against my Dad and he and his side of family have threatened to hurt me!.!.!.he tries to track me down and harass me I can't give out personal info like phone # and address or he'll find out!.!.!.
Then I married someone with a screwed up family (not as bad as mine) but still pretty bad!.!.!.emotionally and physically abusive!.!.!.they do drugs every day!.!.!.I couldn't date someone with a normal family because once they found out about mine it was all downhill from there!.!.!.at least my husband understands me somewhat
But I had moved on until I had my baby and I realized that all of HIS family is screwed up because HIS famly is OUR family and I feel like it's my fault and I just shouldn't have procreated!.
My son is wonderful and beautiful and deserves the best but instead he's getting what we had!.!.!.!.and I feel guilty about it!. We have thought about just cutting ties with everyone but not EVERYONE deserves it!.!.!.but we can't be around the people we get along with without being around the crazies!.!.!.!.
At least he has 2 good parents who love him and are together!.!.!.but when I see other babies his age at their first birthdays surrounded by loving family and I have to know that my son will never have that and all the things I will have to explain to him one day!.!.!.!.I just feel like crying!.!.!.I just wanted better for him
Can anyone relate to this and say anything that could help!?Www@Answer-Health@Com
Answers:
I have a similar background and almost my entire family have serious problems - from being in jail to being diagnosed with schizophrenia!. Luckily my husband's parents are great!. I don't have contact with anyone in my family except my little brother and even that contact is limited!. I felt guilty about that for a long time, but I've come to realize that it is not wrong to cut poison people out of your life!. My boys come first and it is my job to protect them!. These people affected my mental well being and that in turn affected my boys!. Also some I didn't feel safe having my kids around due to drug use, etc!. I felt very ashamed for a long time because my husband has such a great family and I don't, but you know what - it's not my fault that my family has made the decisions they have and it's not your fault that yours has!. Try to focus on the blessing that you husband and child is!. Be thankful for them and use your past experiences in a positive way!. You can use them to help others going through what you are and you can use them to make sure your son has a wonderful childhood!. You and your husband will decide on how this little boy lives and you can do it without extended family's help!. I'm so sorry for him and you that he won't have that as a part of his life!. You both deserve it!. Just remember that you can have happiness without them and that it's okay!. I'm going to pray that you will have the strenghth to get through these feeings and that you'll be able to make tough decisions about who is around your son if neccesary!. Good luck and God bless!Www@Answer-Health@Com
sorry about the bluntness, u will have 2 remove urselves from the family if u r 2 bring up ur son in a healthy loving environement, there's not much else that i could suggest as a solution other than this wise council!.!.!.!.!.4 the sake of this little ones sanity and well-being; not excluding yours of course!. good-luck!Www@Answer-Health@Com
Oh yes - this is so common!. There is a really great writer - Alice Miller - who writes about this very thing!. She's a German psychiatrist who specializes in the psychology of the infant - what the infant feels and how he grows!.
You were both an infant - and now you have an infant - so you might find her writings helpful!. There's a small book called "Drama of the Gifted Child" which would be good to read - and there are various others which you will find as you go along!.
I bet you could get a used copy of that off of Amazon for about nothing!. Good luck!.Www@Answer-Health@Com
You were both an infant - and now you have an infant - so you might find her writings helpful!. There's a small book called "Drama of the Gifted Child" which would be good to read - and there are various others which you will find as you go along!.
I bet you could get a used copy of that off of Amazon for about nothing!. Good luck!.Www@Answer-Health@Com
wow I am so sorry!. You have been through a lot in so short of time (I have you as a contact so I know youre around my age, which is 25, which is still very young)!. I have had a much less traumatic life than you, but I can relate to the having a baby bringing up old feelings and feelings of guilt!.
I think somehow when we have babies it just reminds us of when we were children!. It makes us think about our parents more bc we're parents now!.I was at times verbally abused by my father (he had said things to me like "I hate you" when I was as young as 8 or 9, and also "youre dumb" or "think" when I was 10, and worse words when I was a teenager ("****", "spoiled goods' etc!.) So in that sense I can relate and sometimes I remember more now the things he had said to me, when I had honestly forgotten them!.
My bf's family is way more screwed up than mine!. Though my father was verbally abusive at times (and loving most others), I did come from a 2-parent household with an older brother and my parents are still together!. I was never sexually or physically abused by anyone ever!. but my bf's dad, who is now dead, abused his mom physically for many years, and he and his brother had to witness that!. His dad was a heroin addict, schizoprhenic, and an alcoholic!. You cant get any more messed up that that!. He beat my bf's mom a lot, and she had been stabbed by him before!. His mom is herself no picture of sanity but I can understand with all she went through!. They ended up divorcing (thank god for her) when my bf was 10!. His mom after that tried her best but did try meth, and at times was mentally not present!. His mom now is unemployed, living off ssi, and with her mother at age 49!. sad!. she acts like a "50 y/o teenager" going to bars every weekend with her "boyfriend" but all in all she is the best mom he could've had!.
So in a way even though that's not my family, I feel like "wow that's my daughter's family history, sad'!. and my bf is definitely damaged from it all and his issues have actually come to surface after Lily (our daughter) was born!. He has shown signs of physical/mental abuse towards ME in the past but has sought a little bit of therapy and it has helped though I wish he'd go back!. I and he do NOT want our daughter to grow up like he did---poor, and in a home where domestic violence was a regular occurence, watching his mother get beat by his father!. (And I certainly don't want that for myself, either!!)
So, no one comes from a perfect family!. To some degree, we're all dysfunctional!. I sometimes feel like I am not what Lily deserves bc I'm a young 25 (my mom had me at 39 so I feel like a young mom compared to when she had me), and we're still not married!. I don't have a job right now, and he is a cable worker!. So basically my daughter is in a poorer family than I was and a richer family than he was, but it makes me feel guilty that I was born into a home where both parents had good jobs, and we're married, and my daughter can't be or isn't yet!. I believe our children should always have more than us, and their childhoods better than ours, but I know it doesnt always turn out that way!. Sometimes I feel like crying when I see these women who have these great husbands who come from wealthy families and they live in a nice house and we live in a small apartment!. But I know that my daughter really just wants love, and as long as we give her that, that's all that matters!.
Same with you and your son and husband!. Just bc you had a tough childhood doesnt mean he will!. If you two love each other and him, he will be happy I believeWww@Answer-Health@Com
I think somehow when we have babies it just reminds us of when we were children!. It makes us think about our parents more bc we're parents now!.I was at times verbally abused by my father (he had said things to me like "I hate you" when I was as young as 8 or 9, and also "youre dumb" or "think" when I was 10, and worse words when I was a teenager ("****", "spoiled goods' etc!.) So in that sense I can relate and sometimes I remember more now the things he had said to me, when I had honestly forgotten them!.
My bf's family is way more screwed up than mine!. Though my father was verbally abusive at times (and loving most others), I did come from a 2-parent household with an older brother and my parents are still together!. I was never sexually or physically abused by anyone ever!. but my bf's dad, who is now dead, abused his mom physically for many years, and he and his brother had to witness that!. His dad was a heroin addict, schizoprhenic, and an alcoholic!. You cant get any more messed up that that!. He beat my bf's mom a lot, and she had been stabbed by him before!. His mom is herself no picture of sanity but I can understand with all she went through!. They ended up divorcing (thank god for her) when my bf was 10!. His mom after that tried her best but did try meth, and at times was mentally not present!. His mom now is unemployed, living off ssi, and with her mother at age 49!. sad!. she acts like a "50 y/o teenager" going to bars every weekend with her "boyfriend" but all in all she is the best mom he could've had!.
So in a way even though that's not my family, I feel like "wow that's my daughter's family history, sad'!. and my bf is definitely damaged from it all and his issues have actually come to surface after Lily (our daughter) was born!. He has shown signs of physical/mental abuse towards ME in the past but has sought a little bit of therapy and it has helped though I wish he'd go back!. I and he do NOT want our daughter to grow up like he did---poor, and in a home where domestic violence was a regular occurence, watching his mother get beat by his father!. (And I certainly don't want that for myself, either!!)
So, no one comes from a perfect family!. To some degree, we're all dysfunctional!. I sometimes feel like I am not what Lily deserves bc I'm a young 25 (my mom had me at 39 so I feel like a young mom compared to when she had me), and we're still not married!. I don't have a job right now, and he is a cable worker!. So basically my daughter is in a poorer family than I was and a richer family than he was, but it makes me feel guilty that I was born into a home where both parents had good jobs, and we're married, and my daughter can't be or isn't yet!. I believe our children should always have more than us, and their childhoods better than ours, but I know it doesnt always turn out that way!. Sometimes I feel like crying when I see these women who have these great husbands who come from wealthy families and they live in a nice house and we live in a small apartment!. But I know that my daughter really just wants love, and as long as we give her that, that's all that matters!.
Same with you and your son and husband!. Just bc you had a tough childhood doesnt mean he will!. If you two love each other and him, he will be happy I believeWww@Answer-Health@Com
I certainly cant relate!. As long as you are the best parents you can be for your son, thats really all that matters!. Everybody has wierd family members, with traits they dont want to rub off on their children, but I think as long as their living situation is good they will turn out fine!.Www@Answer-Health@Com
I am sorry you had a bad childhood!. I sort of did too!. My brother has mild cerebral palsy and mental illness!. Things got pretty rough between us!. He once beat me so bad I was in the hospital for a week!. I was 10 at the time, he was 16!. My parents put him in a mental hospital for 4 days, then they accepted him back!. He wasn't even stable!.
I was terrified of him!. I did not want to be around him!. My parents tried getting us to be friends!. Every time I got near him he would hit, pull my hair, pinch, kick and/or trip me!. That's when my parents were in the room!. I was always was covered with bruises!.
My parents always said he can't help it!. I don't know what to think!. It always seems like I was the only one to get the abuse!. My salvation was I would go to my friends houses for days at a time!.
My parents tried their best!. I think my parents couldn't handle my brother and life!. I don't see my brother at all now nor my parents because he still lives with them!. I know what you are going through!.
Find a good counselor to talk to!.
Remember: Our families are a part of us, no matter what!. How big a part is determined by you!.Www@Answer-Health@Com
I was terrified of him!. I did not want to be around him!. My parents tried getting us to be friends!. Every time I got near him he would hit, pull my hair, pinch, kick and/or trip me!. That's when my parents were in the room!. I was always was covered with bruises!.
My parents always said he can't help it!. I don't know what to think!. It always seems like I was the only one to get the abuse!. My salvation was I would go to my friends houses for days at a time!.
My parents tried their best!. I think my parents couldn't handle my brother and life!. I don't see my brother at all now nor my parents because he still lives with them!. I know what you are going through!.
Find a good counselor to talk to!.
Remember: Our families are a part of us, no matter what!. How big a part is determined by you!.Www@Answer-Health@Com