Do I have a right to be angry?!


Question: Do I have a right to be angry?
My whole life my mother has told me that being Christan is the only way to live. I don't really believe in God and I live with my grandparents who are buddhist. I thought that buddhism was smarter so i converted. Tonight for some reason it came up. My mother after I said I am buddhist said hmmmm I guess I will give it a try. She has done this before. She will do things because I am doing them. I mean she has worn my clothes(she is like 200lb i am 130lb) Also she is an recovering drug Addict and bipolar. But do I have a right to be mad I mean she converted her religion because I did she knows nothing about buddhism! Also she has told me that I couldn't be buddhist but as soon as i said i was she was like okay I am too! She tries to do everything with me and i can't take it anymore!!! How can I deal and do I have a right to be angry

Answers:

Best Answer - Chosen by Voters

So. let's say you have a right to be mad. Now what? You going to pout? You going to yell? You going to say "I'm mad, now stop copying me?" Will she? What do you care what she does? Maybe she's trying to get along by going along? Maybe she's trying to find ways to be forgiven. I know you're young and you think it's all about you right now, but your life will be more fulfilling if you develop some empathy for others.

On a practical level, take your proposed response and imagine the possible outcomes. For example, she stops. That's good. What if she doesn't? You going to throw a hissy? You can only control yourself. If you don't want to be in the same temple with her, then change. If you don't want to do that, then you are making the decision to stay with her there because you can only control yourself.

I suspect you are more mad about how she has messed up your life by her life decisions, ie addiction and mental illness. If she's a recovering addict, then she made some good decisions and you should respect and reinforce that. If you only knew how hard it is for addicts to overcome this, you would be a little less judgmental. Her mental illness should be treated with medications/mood stabilizers. If she is not or does not want to do meds, then you need counseling to learn to detach yourself from her decisions. Get to the root of your anger (her bad decisions and their fall-out) and you will save yourself a lot of drama. Al-Anon, Al-A-Teen and Nar-Anon are all programs that are free and very helpful if you want help. If all you want to do is whine, then ignore me.



Annoyed, sure, angry, no.

Whatever reasons your mother has are her reasons. Why don't you ask her what those reasons are? It doesn't sound like your mother and you communicate much or very well.

From a spiritual point of view, I'd have to say this is a prime opportunity for you to learn more and live more of Buddhism. If you only converted because Buddhism seems "smarter" then I'd guess you are early in your spiritual journey. Any religion can be "smart", its about how you practice it and learn it.

take this chance to help your mother and yourself by learning together. Then Buddhism can help you work through your annoyance.



It sounds to me like your mom is immature and is trying to be your "friend" rather than your "parent" I don't think you have a right to be mad at the end of the day who really cares who idea it was to do what first? Your mom has a very strong "want" to be liked by you. Give it a try.



you can be angry that's normal but your mom probably just wants u to like her more



Well, I can certainly see where that would be annoying, but at least your mother isn't opposed to you taking up Buddhism.

The way I see it (as a Buddhist priest), it is to her good fortune to follow you into the Buddha Dharma and make a connection with it - even if she knows nothing and is not very sincere. By doing this she is planting the seed of buddhahood in her life that may ripen someday into true understanding. For your part, in bringing her to Buddhism through your own example you are requiting a portion of the favor she did you by giving birth to you and raising you (whether perfectly or not - a helpless baby cannot survive otherwise, so someone must have cared for you).

It seems to me that the best thing you can do for yourself and your family is to focus on the true meaning of Buddhism, focus on realizing the true nature of your life, awaken to selfless compassion and do your best to make this world into the pure land that it really is and therefore can be. You cannot force others to act in a mature and sensible or enlightened manner, family or not. But you can take responsibility for your own life and by practicing, realizing, and actualizing the Buddha Dharma you can lead by example so that they too will eventually sincerely take up practice, realize, and actualize Buddha Dharma.

Namu Myoho Renge Kyo,
Ryuei

Priest of the Nichiren Shu (a Japanese Mahayana Buddhist lineage), MA in Spirituality



She probably just wants to be able to relate to you and have a bond. She wants to be a part of your life. Forgive her if she can't always go about it the right way. I don't think it's fair for you to throw her psychological problems or drug problems into a completely unrelated complaint about her behavior. If she wants to try Buddhism, then I would say it's your duty as a Buddhist to accept her decision and help her to be successful in it. Let her close to you and use this as opportunity to bond with her.



Dear Ally,
The Dalai Lama said, "the purpose of anger is to force change". We can create change positively or negatively, that's our choice.If your mother is an addict then you wouldn't want to begrudge her of a cure. Buddhism is a path that helps us to understand ourselves. Wisdom is knowing others and enlightenment is knowing ourselves. In the Indian traditions it is said," one should not become a King, parent or a spiritual teacher unless you can deliver your dependents from the cycle of Samsara (cycle of suffering) . The reason why I'm telling you this is because even though your mother has made so many bad choices it has led you to where you are, The Dharma. I'm the son of an alcoholic and I can understand where you're coming from. But looking back, I now understand that all those horrible events in my life has steered me in the direction of the Dharma. I was 16 when I converted to Buddhism and now I'm 46. It has helped me and others around me...I implore you to be patient . Yes it is annoying and your mother may be immature..but she has performed her duty as a parent by inadvertently bringing you into the Dharma. Think for a second..would you be who you are now if not for the circumstances of the past...we are the sum total of all our thoughts and actions..this is Buddhism 101...In the Lotus Sutra there is Bodhisattva by the name of Never Despising (or Never Disparaging) his whole practice was to encourage others on their path no matter how mean or nasty people were to him..He became enlightened because he sacrificed his false ego for the benefit of others. I invite you to do the same. you can visit our site on FB if you need a virtual Sangha... There are many occasion in bith the BUddhist and Vedic traditions where the children are the teachers of the parents...you should feel blessed not angry.. http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=100002066475752 cut and paste link.. Gassho Wage Dharma not War.

http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=100002066475752



Of course you have the "right" to be angry. You also have the right to create your own causes of suffering for yourself, which is just what you are doing.

If you really have decided to study and practice Buddhism, however, you will understand that acting on your anger creates an anger imprint (which is negative karma).
If you have been learning your Buddhist practice, you should know the techniques for dealing with anger, and be able to turn it aside ... maybe not right away, but you won't be running this story over and over like you are now.

Everytime you say "she's this way and I can't take it anymore!!!" you are feeding your anger. As a Buddhist, you should be trying to feed your compassion. There's a Native American story about two wolves at the door ... which one survives? The one you feed. Right now, you are busy feeding your anger-wolf. Stop it. Stop telling your "stories" about how awful it is. It only is what it is, and the only reason it is so awful is because you are telling yourself it is. You are making your own nightmares.



I am not Buddhist but I agree with the person who posted here who practices Buddhism. BUT I also understand where you're coming from when you say you're angry. Good for your mom for her recovery, but she sounds like my mom. I think she sounds very clingy and is stepping over your space. Everyone needs to separate at one point in their lives and be individuals. And your mom is dependent on you too much. My mom also is very needy in similar ways. And although I love her, it drives me crazy sometimes. I don't know. Maybe one of those programs for people who have family member who are addicts or in recovery? Otherwise a counsellor might help you understand and cope with your moms behaviour, especially since she's battling bi-polar as well. I think anyone (my family it was alcoholism) who has been through addiction gets emotionally stunted along the way. Mom is not realising she's disrespecting your boundaries. She's very vulnerable and needy sounding, and although she also may have good intentions like wanting to be close to you, she also seems to be too codependent on you. Thats also a common trait. I also recommend a codependency program maybe for you to help you cope with her. Try and reign in your anger though and be kind to her. Then I suggest check out one of those groups so you can learn how to cope with this . They will show you how to set boundaries in a firm but kind way. Blowing up at her will just do harm. She's done an amazing thing (remember this when you get angry) recovering from an addiction is no easy thing. Doing this while being bi-polar is heroic! Try and be patient with her and focus on what you can do to cope with whats irritating you. You can learn techniques on how to communicate and deal with her in a way that will not only help you, but also help her.




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