(Long) It's really selfish, so why does being thin mean a lot to me?!
Question: (Long) It's really selfish, so why does being thin mean a lot to me?
For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be underweight. As a little girl, I used to imagine having a concave stomach. I grew to be a little older and began to starve and purge. Then, some stuff happened when I was a little older still and it all served as the catalyst for my turning to starving full-time and developing an eating disorder. I hide it from my family. I do everything for my parents. All I've ever wanted to do is make them happy; I don't do this to be selfish (please, don't say I'm being cruel to my parents; I don't want to go into the story, and that guilt (since I already make myself feel guilty for everything) just makes me want to starve and hurt myself in every way). I don't do it to be attractive (I want to be so skinny it's unattractive). I don't want attention from it. I WANT to get rid of it (after years of starving and then years of purging (the only way I managed to stop starving), all mixed with excessive exercising, I now cycle through eating normally, starving, and purging). Every time I think it's GONE, it comes back.
I know eating problems aren't actually about the body, but I hate myself and I take it out on my body. I act upbeat for everyone else, so I'm only this crazy inside my head. Logically, I know that I'll look obese to myself at every weight (when I got better I put on weight; I'm 5'11" and weigh 150 pounds (I know, that's beyond hideous), and it drives me crazy (when I first got better, I weighed more than that, but I've been losing weight and am working on going lower)). I'm always fat. I feel like my weight shows the world I'm a sinner, but it's more than that. I personally hate my weight and hate my body, but why? Though, I hate my body for different reasons than I hate my weight. Why is being thin so important to me? I try to answer this for myself, but I don't know why it matters so much to me (I don't care how much others weigh, so it's only when it comes to myself). Like I said, I want to be skinny for myself, not for others. I have eating issues to punish myself, but wanting to be skinny is the reward (the reward that never comes, since I look obese at every weight, but nonetheless) not the punishment.
What I'm asking is if anyone has any idea as to why being thin means so much to me and why it's meant so much to me for such a long time?
I see a therapist for my perfectionism, but Y!A is easier to explain things on, and I told her my biggest secret (something else) and it was a complete bust, so I'd rather ask here (in case anyone was going to suggest a therapist; I'm SO sorry if that came out rudely and cruelly, it wasn't meant to at all).
I appreciate your time. Thank you.
Answers:
Best Answer - Chosen by Voters
It could be a form of OCD, or your natural perfectionism, or just the fact that you've grown up in a society that praises being underweight and physically attractive.
You say telling your therapist you secret was a completely burst, maybe your therapist doesn't suit your needs? It really helps if you can tell them stuff with out them reacting in a way that upsets you. Also, maybe it would help you to see someone who specializes in eating disorders. There is probably a reason that you hate yourself that has nothing to do with your body or weight. As you said you use it as a way to punish yourself. See if you can work out exactly why you hate yourself, and try and work on that with your counselor. It won't get better by just telling her the first time, you have to work at it and challenge the irrational beliefs that lead to your self-hate.