How do I tell my psychiatrist my obsession of pills and suicidal planning?!

I have a psychiatrist and I've only seen her twice.. Once in September and once in October.. and I was back in the E.R. two weeks ago after an incident ( I was released within hours ).. and the psychiatrist at the hospital told me to call my psychiatrist and make an appointment.. so it's this Thursday

I have been banned from the pharmacy due to too many suicide attempts since last April.. And I crave the meds, I obsess about them, I want them so badly. I've lied to get prescriptions but no pharmacy will fill them. Nothing. I need her to un ban me and prescribe me meds. I need them. I see a counselor who wants to come with me to make sure I don't lie and get the meds.. I just need to feel numb again.

And I think about death all the time, overdosing, car accident, shooting, hanging, everything. I won't do those, but I think about it so much..

I look fine on the outside, and I don't know how to tell her or what she would do.. Last time she wouldn't give me meds due to my numerous suicide attempts.. but I need them.

What should I do.. and I don't want to go back to the hospital..

I don't want to go see her Thursday and than have her send me to the hospital. I hate hospitals and would lie myself right out of there