I'm not sure I'm over the abusive relationship that ended a year ago..!


Question: I'm not sure I'm over the abusive relationship that ended a year ago...?
I'm not sure that it was abusive, he never officially hit me, but he was beyond mean, and my friend kept telling me over and over that he was messing with my head. I wouldn't have to do anything and he would flip out on me and get in my face. ... and if I didn't feel like having sex, he'd get even more pissed.

I'm not THAT girl, though. I eventually dumped him, and didn't go back, even though my mom let him live with us - I was 17 - and wouldn't kick him out, and instead basically kicked me out.

Sometimes I think about it, though. and I know I shouldn't, it's over... but I hear about him (it was a small town I lived in before i moved in with my aunt), and a different friend is hanging out with him and all, but I do.

I was talking about it to the friend who kept trying to get me to ditch him sooner, and she says that it's normal, that he was an ***, but I don't KNOW.

It bugs that **** out of me because sometimes I am pissed at him for being a jerk, and sometimes me for making him be a jerk. ... but somewhere I know that it wasn't me.

Arg. Is this normal? ... it was SO long ago. I dumped him almost a year ago exactly... I hadn't thought of him for a few months until my friend started hanging out with him and telling me how nice and sweet he is.

I should just let it go, right? Why can't I?

Answers:

Whoa, there, you did NOT make him be a jerk.

One of the classic ways abusive people try to evade responsibility for their meanness is to claim the other person "made me do it."

He has full control of how he responds to anything you do, and he chose to be mean. He probably trains himself to be mean !

Sure, the two of you might have had arguments and you might have criticized him in mean ways yourself, but it appears to me that you realized that kind of behavior coming from you wasn't good for you and the only way to stop was to leave him, as his behavior never changed.

Sometimes it is immaturity. Some people are not meant to be together. Some people are "toxic".

Here is why I consider him the problem in your relationship :
... my friend kept telling me over and over that he was messing with my head.

That person saw abusive patterns, and told you. Eventually you figured it out. That guy will always be abusive towards you unless something very terrible happens to him and he "sees the light."

As for the other friend, he might be hiding his abusive nature. Your inability to get him out of your thoughts is a warning sign - at least to you to stay away from this relationship as best you can. But that woman is your friend, so you still want to keep in touch with her.

Wikipedia has some short articles :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abusive_rel…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychologic…



Do some research on "Stockholm Syndrome." Many abused people go through this when trying to cut off the abuser. It's easier said than done!



Forget him.
You deserve better than that. You'll find it.



You may need professional help.It seems you are almost obsessed with keeping this going.
You don't know? But somewhere i know that it wasn't me.It does take 2 people to argue and fight.
I can see you were wrong for each other,regardless who is to blame.Get over it.
A year is 11 months too long to be beating a dead horse.Move on,forget him or get help.
bye



I went through the same thing. My ex mentally abused me for 4 years. I was thinking about how he "owed" me for the time he had stolen from my life. I went to a shrink. I was diagnosed with PTSS (Post traumatic stress syndrome). Talking about this with a professional who you know CANNOT legally repeat anything you say such as your feelings and even you trying to blame yourself helps. Mainly, just remember it was not your fault. You can also try writing him a letter explaining how you feel but you don't have to send it. Just get your true identity back. That is the best remedy and payback of all. Take care, Sweetie.

Psychiatric advice: Personal experience



get done with him,and on your way, you deserve so much better,and trust me theres alot more guys out there that will treat you the way you should be treated,dont settle for something less.Trust me I let mine go,and it was extrremly hard,but he didnt want to change,and he cheated on me,and lost my car,house,clothes,and broke my heart,and we were together for 6 years,but I know the man of my dreams is out there I just got to be patiant.




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