Need insight about my drinking and dope?!

I have had similar problems myself and I know the feeling of being unmotivated by everything and feeling that the only thing I actually want to do (writing) is an unattainable dream and I will have to just settle for something else. I found that making lists of what I would like to achieve helps me to set goals and become more motivated. For instance, I really want to travel and so am now working a job I don't like to achieve this. This way I have something to work towards, a goal, and it makes the job less depressing. I also found that there are ways, other then weed and alcohol, to get inspiration. I found joining a creative writing group helpful and is also good for meeting like minded people. I am usually extremely private and self conscious about my writing and not exactly the "sharing is caring" type but I was really surprised at how useful it was and how much it motivated me. You mentioned that you taught in the past. Would you consider studying to teach creative writing and so combining your vocation in life with something practical that could bring in some money while still allowing you time to work on your own stories? The leader of the group I was part of said she formed it in the first place so that she could bounce her ideas off the group members and get some feedback. Start sending your stories into competitions which will also give you deadlines and maybe even some cash prizes! Local online discussion forums often have threads giving details of upcoming competitions. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what anyone on here says to you. You have to sit down and work out what you want to achieve. You've got 4 years until you're 40, why not set that as a deadline? Find out what you need to do to achieve your goals and do it. Of course there will be days when you go completely of course and fall back into old habits but keep at it and you can do it. Cheesy as it may be, you do need to believe that you can do it. And perhaps if you suceed you can write a pulitzer winning semi autobiographic novel about a failed screen writer who turned his life around!

Wow, I think God is knocking on your door and you are doing everything you can to keep from listening. What else does he have to do to get you to listen? He may have some very special Blessings that He wants to give you but you have to turn to Him first.

It's long been time for you to grow up. Your using drugs and alcohol to escape a life of nothing. Make something of the life you have instead of finding an easy way out. Alcohol is a depressant. The creativity will come when you are relaxed, and not feeling so anxious about the problems you're trying to escape. Join a club or do some volunteer work. Maybe something on the weekends that you can enjoy. In the meantime, find a job that will pay the bills. Seriously, you are too old for this.