Question:
What should I do...feel like dying?
I'm 18 and I feel so ******* ugly. I used to be anorexic/bulimic (I developed anorexia when I was 12 after my mom passed away) and I just feel so fat and ugly, even though people tell me I'm not. I'm 5'2 and 124 lbs and I hate it. I know what you're thinking..."Oh, get over it! Blah blah blah." But it's not that easy...I used to be 80 lbs. I want to lose 24 lbs so bad. My body is hideous. I'm flabby everywhere. I have a big, ugly, bumpy nose. When I was 8, I bumped into a wall and now my nose is all bulbous and bumpy. I ******* hate it. I feel like crying when people look at me from the side. I have an ugly, round face and big chubby cheeks too...my dad calls me "moonface". I have a boyfriend, but I don't feel good enough for him. I don't get why he'd want an ugly piece of crap like me. He tells me I'm beautiful and all that, but I don't believe it. I have a feeling he's cheating on me, but I don't blame him if he is. I'm not doing this for attention. People constantly accuse me of being an attention seeker, but I'm the opposite. I HATE attention. I hate it when people compliment me. I've attempted suicide 20+ times and I've been cutting since I was 13. I have scars all over my body. I'm such a ******* piece of ****. I feel like I don't even deserve to be alive. I'm ashamed to even say it, but I was molested when I was 6, so I DESPISE my body. I hate having boobs and a vagina. It makes me feel GROSS. I know it's sick and perverted, but I can't help it. Whenever I feel even a *bit* happy, it makes me ashamed and suicidal because I don't *deserve* happiness. I don't know anymore. Sorry everyone, just venting. Feel free to criticize me...I'm used to it.
Here's my picture, in case you want to know what I look like: http://c1.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/148/l_8cdf1e0ec0e9462383a53cc9179b555c.png
Ew. :|
Answers:
ok i understand what you are going through. i feel a lot like you do. i was raped at 10 and beaten with almost every guy i thought i loved. i am fat and i know it. i cant change it for this is they way i am. i dont eat much, i eat maybe 1 or 2 meals a day. and most of the time its my boyfriend that makes me eat. i also am a cutter and i have attempted suicide a lot as well. but sweetie let me tell you. the way you feel is from all the abuse you went through growing up. and by that i mean the name calling and the molestion. you need to talk to someone. go see a doctor. they can help. trust me it has helped me a lot but it will take time. and for the thing about your boyfriend saying you are beautiful, the beauty is in the eye of the beholder. to him you are beautiful. listen to him. go look in the mirror and tell yourself " i am pretty" over and over. do it everyday. it will help. and for him cheating i wouldnt worry about that till you know for a fact that he is.
feels the same about self
I think you look cute. Everyone deserves to be alive. Maybe you should talk to someone who can help you with your insecurities. Don't be so hard on yourself. You only have one life and this is it so don't waste it with negativity.