What's up with my mother...?!
Question: What's up with my mother...?
1. About 10 months ago, I was sitting in my bed reading/doing nothing at like 11/12 at night and my mom came into my room (my room WAS messy, but not the worst) to give me a card telling me how awesome I was... Well, she looked at my room, which had clothes and paper on the floor and freaked out. She then literally dragged me out of my bed and forced me to crawl around and she wouldn't leave until everything was picked up. While I was doing this she stood behind me, yelling insults at me. I don't remember most of what she said since this was awhile ago but the insult I remember the most and that she said most frequently was "You are a good-for-nothing, little ****!" then she hit me on the back of the head. Twice. She left about an hour later and that night is the first time I hurt myself. (I know, it's bad. I'm trying to stop.) and the thing is, is that she ALWAYS wants me to have that card on display even thouh I hide it because it brings back those memories. She doesnt care if I have other cards out or not but she needs me to have THAT one out. She freaks out if it's not.
2. This was a couple of weeks ago and I was at my aunts house with my mom and stepdad. They were all drinking and my mom and aunt were a little tipsy but my stepdad was drunkkk. They were all being obnoxious, sexual and frightening so I left the room and ignored them. I then heard my mom and stepdad fighting and I hear him leave (he walked home) so I came out of the room. My mom then freaked out and started yelling at me. Our conversation went like this:
Mom: *6 feet away from me.* This is YOUR fault! You are putting me in a tough spot!!
Me: What did I do?
Mom: You are being mean! If adults want to relax with alcohol, we can!! We're adults!
Me: EXACTLY, you're adults so you shouldn't be getting drunk around an underage minor! You can "relax" with alcohol but just when I'm not around!
Mom: But we can make our own decisions and you are WRONG. You should've been nicer and more sociable.
Me: Well, I don't want to spend my night around a bunch of sex-driven drunks. And I was in a SHITTY mood anyway. [I have clinical depression and she knows it.]
Mom: You still should've been NICER!
Me: Fine then, I'll just completely hide my feelings from you and pretend around you. Happy?
Mom: FINE!! I'm going to call a psychiatrist tomorrow and put you on mediation. You need medication!!
And that's really the gist of it. She stood on the other side of the room, frantically yelling at me and my aunt hugged and comforted me.
3. So, last month I was feeling really depressed and usually I just hide my feelings from my mother but for once I decided I needed comfort so I came out of my room on a Friday night (7 pm), sobbing, wanting a hug from my mother. Instead she freaks out and tells me: "Stop crying! You are stressing me out! I have work in the morning. Go to BED!" So, I locked myself in my room and cried until 11 o'clock that night.
And whenever I forget to scoop the litter box or if my room is messy she always says that I'm "disobedient" and "disrespecting" her. She also gets extremely defensive if ANYONE mentions child abuse, whether or not it pertains to her.
So am I a terrible, melodramatic kid or is she abusive? What's wrong with her?? Whats wrong with me?? And I'm 14 btw.
Answers:
I am so so so sorry for what you are going through. Of course you are not to blame. I can't say for sure if your mom is an alcoholic, but she is obviously deeply sick -- her drinking may or may not be the core of the problem. Often people with personality disorders are even worse when they drink or use drugs.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. She is crazy. Literally sick. Like when a crazy street person where I am in New York shouts on the street that he is Jesus, I do not believe that he is Jesus. The things she says are wrong. You're still a child. A few years ago you were 10. Stop. Never think that you've done anything wrong.
I am worried that you have a rough time ahead of you, and of course you do. DO NOT start using drugs and alcohol. I am a drug addict; prescription pills. I started them to escape the scariness in my home when I was 14. You are very at risk for addiction. I also have suffered from depression. Are you seeing a doctor?
Wait -- it would be GOOD for your mom to send you to a psychiatrist! Play along! OTHER ADULTS WILL PROTECT YOU IF YOU TELL THEM WHAT'S GOING ON. Show them what you've written here; it is hard articulating things after years of terrible pain and scariness. GO TO THAT PSYCHIATRIST IF YOU CAN.
"Sexual and frightening"? Oh God. I am so, so sorry for you. I can't believe you are having to live this life. Talk to someone at your school. TALK TO SOMEONE AT YOUR SCHOOL. Just go to your guidance counselor at school -- tell your teacher you have to go to the guidance counselor, and the teacher will let you miss class; I promise. Then all you have to do is go on the internet with the guidance counselor and guide him/her to this website and show them what you wrote. Please do it. Please please please.
Here is the good news:
I feel like there is a special life waiting for you when you grow up and get out of there. Remember: there is no rule that your mother needs to be in your life. Someday you will decide whether or not you see her. My father, a wealthy psychiatrist, was terribly full of rage and scary, though God knows not as bad as your mom.
You seem really amazing. And so interesting and smart for a 14 year old!! You're a really, REALLY good writer. I know that seems beside the point, but it's not: Write this stuff down in detail and how you're feeling in an actual notebook as often as you can. Hide it from your mother. Some day, you will write your story and help other people. You want these memories for that, and it is a good way to cope. Also, in the future many people are going to tell you that you are lying, and you might start believing that you were to blame, and turn all that negativity inward on yourself. It is crippling and it something you'll have to fight your whole life. And you will have a notebook full of proof -- you will bring it to your therapist in 10 years. You will tell her, This is what we have to deal with from my past.
I think you should be a writer. get started.
Things will ONLY get better as you get older, because soon you will get out and get away.
And as Winston Churchill once said,
"IF YOU'RE GOING THROUGH HELL , KEEP GOING."
I am a magazine editor in New York who can't sleep. I'm thinking about you. Please get help. Keep going. Keep going keep going keep going.
my life
It could be one or all of these reasons:
Your mother drinks too much.
Your mother can't handle stress or the job of raising a teenager.
Your mother has bipolar-it can sometimes present itself late when a person is older rather than younger.
Your mother has a psychological problem and while the drinking may have subdued it now it has put it into overdrive.
If your mother is hitting you ask your aunt for help and if she doesn't do anything report it. You have the right to feel safe in your own home. You have the right to not suffer abuse. You might feel guilty later on for reporting your mother but she needs help and there's a very strong chance she won't help herself and the abuse will get worse. If the abuse gets worse she could kill you out of anger or in a drunken rage. You need to get her some help soon. Talk to a trusted adult. If not your aunt then some else.
http://www.thehotline.org/
1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) . TTY is for people who are deaf.
that is NOT melodramatic. please tell a teacher or someone about it. your mum is being an abusive b*tch and you CANNOT do nothing about it. nothing is wrong with you, but i cant say the same about her. shes probably got a stress disorder, or she could be on drugs.
please tell someone what she is doing.
She is verbally abusing you and she knows it otherwise she wouldn't get defensive if its mentioned. She is also bordering on physical abuse by hitting you. She may have manic depression as well.
My mother acts like this towards me too, she is on medication for depression.