Hiding behind a smile?!

When i was in elementary i use to be all happy and never really thanked about life. Than i got to middle school. I was happy the first half of the year. Than the second half i just started to feel depressed and i hated life,school everything. I feel happy when something exciting is happening but that's about it nothing seems to excite me. I remember crying when it was the last day of school in elementary. maybe i miss my friends? now all i do is hide behind a fake smile that's pretty convincing people never seem to notice my pain. i feel lonely and sometimes i get depressed so much that contemplate suicide.

Another things is some people in my school like to pick on me and make fun of me, i ignore them for the most part and just laugh but deep inside it rips me apart. Sometimes i over hear people talking about me that makes me really angry because i don't know what there saying but i know is bad and it hurts and it makes me think bad thoughts like me killing them and gaining power over them.

I never got in a fight before because i hate fighting. am a very big guy not fat but muscular i have very big bones that can do great damage to people if am fighting so i ignore fights.

i have friends but i don't feel like i'm connected to them very well. The school i go has a lot of blacks and there mean and make fun of me because i'm not from the USA i'm an immigrant from Africa, I've been here for 8 years and i like the life style but its some people that make life hard to live. I don't really see why the Blacks make fun of me i mean we have the same skin color and all.