i think i have multiple personality disorder...no.... i dont know?!

when i was a kid, my old man was harsh. he was the stereotypical marine hardcore badass im better than everyone else america. well, that didnt turn out too god for an artist. he raised me by pounding his beliefs into my head, ones that i didnt believe, he tried to make me forget myself and become him.i constantly felt controlled, judged and negatively viewed by everyone around me. im just pathetic, a waste of life, i bathe in my own misery every day.

around 15 my intellectual brain started to awaken and i immersed myself in intellectual ideas and watched a lot of film. i was already prone to the ability to be totally dominated by an idea...thats when i used them as escapable delusions that would lift my self esteem. im 19 now.

ive done a lot of weird ****, i mean i could go into detail but i only have so much time in my life. ive never felt like ive had control. ive made terrible financial decisions, i picked up smoking, i occasionally smoke weed but ive stopped. i feel like im living in a movie. i regret a lot of **** ive done.

suicidal, not suicidal.

this is just one that i feel. i am in this state right now(the reason i am on the internet pleading my case).

The Maniac-lets music take a hold of him, becomes a manifestation of pain, expresses through physical movement, wants people to feel the pain and bring attention to the suffering, be a complete nutjob contrary to every societal norm, just be a general all around freak.

ive listed about 12 others but i like this one the most. some are mild, some are very dramatic and destructive.

this personality often has conflict with others as they battle it out all day everyday for control of my mind body and spirt and control of my behavior. "logical" battles of infinite unending torment.

this is really just the tip of the iceberg, the barebones of the situation, i mean, there is so much more to it than i care to describe. its really hard for me to focus actually and write this it took a long time, i cant stay still, my mind is on infinite pause, rewind, and fast-forward. ive changed a few times over the course of writing this, remembering certain situations and stimulations that trigger certain personalities.

all this while thousand s of kids die in africa. interesting how people even on the highest level of the hierarchy of needs can have problems.

it just makes sense, i thought i had extremely severe depression, but i read the symptoms and i just felt peace, it made sense. i was trying to find the disease, it just fit perfectly.

thanks