do you ever just feel suicidal?!
Question: Do you ever just feel suicidal?
since i have been a child i have been suicidally depressed. (very bad home life). over the years, thru my own actions and those of others i have endured many awful things. rapes, abandonment, beatings, you name it.
i am seeing a counslor but all he wants is for me to go to AA meetings. yes, of course i have a history of aloholism, but he believes all my "Issues" are just crap and part of my alcoholism.
i have gone to meeings, but cant find the beautiful fellowship everyone talks of.
i have gone to many churchs and cant find any fellowship either.
i am completely alone.
i have no friends, i think i have found a crazy solution.
i keep thinking that i have only one way out and thats to shoot myself.
that my child would be better off with a relative, and that i would be saving this new spirit from a life of fatherlessness and hell with me.
how do i explain to you my whole life, i can't. trust me when i tell you i feel like i don't belong anywhere.
i feel like i have to get the courage up to do this soon.
i was going to kill myself before i found out i was pregnant with my 7 year old and i did not. looking back, i wish i would have killed myself before i was 18.
i'm not wanted or loved by the ppl who should love me the most.
now some days, i don't feel like dying, then other days like today, it's all i think of.
i keep thinking if only i have the courage to plan this out right, then my poor 7 year old will have a better life and that this poor spirit on the way can find a new mommy to come to earth through.
i am supposed to see my doctor next week. i dont know if i should tell her how i feel....i dont know if it would make any difference.
i am just tired of not belonging. i know there is a beautiful place waiting for me in heaven.
perhaps i should take this time i have left to grieve for losing my child. i will miss him so much. sometimes the thought of not being with him leads me to fight these thoughts.
but they are short lived. i feel more guilty than anything.
if you saw me you would never know how awful i feel inside. for truly i am garbage, thrown away in life. how can i live in a world where i cant feel any love? i cant even feel my childs love? maybe i died a long time ago inside?
i know what everyone will say...i am awful, should fight harder, but you don't live in my shoes. i have no one TO TALK TO.
i have thought about calling these suicide hotlines even, but i dont want to get into trouble with the law.
i know it's a crime to be suicidal and have kids, they'll take your kids away.
so i can't talk to anyone.
but i am getting worried. these awful feelings keep getting stronger and i feel like i keep getting more convinced that suicide is a good option for me ...that it's good for everyone.
but....i don't know.
should i talk to my doctor and get on some antidepressants?
i just feel like i have to decide fast to live or die and start making necesarry arrangements.
i don't want to die, but i don't want to live like this anymore.
i am so sad, i just wanted to be loved.
my whole life that is all i ever wanted.
Answers:
Do not commit suicide. You would be dead already if the world didn't need you.
Please call National Suicide Prevention Lifeline > 1-800-273-8255
You can go online & look up "stop suicide, prevent suicide or suicide prevention" & sites like that.
[Yahoo!, Google, MSN, etc.]
you should seek help. Visit your gp.
I think about suicide every ******* day of my life and I think the only thing stopping me is the lack of a perfect idea that will freak people out so badly that my name goes down in history
First off, do not kill yourself. Think about your child. When he is older he will have wished you were in his life. And at the very least you can be around for him if his father isn't. I don't know about AA classes, but at least that's a place you should try and talk to people and get their opinions on what to do or how they have handled things. Yes, if you feel that anti-depressants will help than you should see a doctor for them. If anything, just keep thinking of your child, and how you can make a better life for the both of you, you being involved in his life. You can do this!
Try eating more healthily. Exercise more, if you can. Since you're pregnant, maybe walking - regularily - would help. Like 10-15mins a day.
Look online for "exercises for pregnant women".
For the sake of your future child, I don't think it is good to be in this state of mind.
Forget the past and focus on the future.