Does this sound like borderline personality? Sorry it's so long...?!
Question: Does this sound like borderline personality? Sorry it's so long...?
Around middle school I started to show symptoms of depression and insecurity. I fluctuated in and out of an eating disorder and I was randomly depressed. I have an amazing mother who couldn't be better and while I was in school lived with her in a great home. I rarely saw my father, but that didn't seem to heighten my self-esteem or lower my temper. My very best friend use to tease me about being bi-polar. Now we think it could be true.
The older I get, the worse my moods fluctuate. I can openly admit how intolerable I am more often than not. I am extremely possessive of my friends and will often times lash out if they push my buttons in any way, even when they really don't do anything wrong. I have an intense fear of abandonment. Nothing scares me more than losing particular people in my life. (The people who have been able to "tolerate" me...all of me, not just the good side.) As of right now I have two people in my life who I am scared to death to lose because they know me to the core and still have not "left" me. My own mother has not seen the worst side of me. My two best friends have. The only reason I have two close friends is because no one else can stand to be around me. I am jealous, possessive, pushy, demanding, sensitive, and can also fly off the handle. I push people away until I can't possibly push anymore...until they leave. And then once they're gone I feel like a horrible person because I know I caused it. If a new friend walks away from me because they can't tolderate it, I panic and react unnaturely...example, pleading for a second chance and/or crying and getting angry. Then I'll fall into a depressed hole.
Drinking is my escape. Lately it's been drinking AND taking hydrocode. I'm a binge drinker. Once I start, I don't stop until I'm passed out or throwing up. Then I lash out, cause trouble, get angry, and do something ridiculous like go outside in the snow and hide from people in the middle of the night. As my best male friend described it, "You're you times ten when you drink." If that tells you anything of how I am SOBER...
The problem is, I can't stop. My biggest fear is rejection, so I reject people before they can reject me. If I'm in one of my moods, I become reckless. (Drinking and driving, overdosing--to an extent--on meds, more binge drinking, speeding, etc.) I am so terrified to lose people in my life, yet I push them away, then when they're gone, I feel like my world is over.
On other days, I feel like I'm on top of the world. I feel confident and sexy and get excited over the future. I feel like nothing is impossible and treasure everything in my life. But it only takes a small trigger to turn this all around.
Although I have brought it up to my mother, she denies that I have a problem, claiming that if I really did have a problem, I wouldn't be able to hold myself together at work or in front of particular people. When I did research later, borderline personality described us as everything from above, yet very motivated and highly intelligent people and workers. I love my job and I do it well. I also am able to get along with anyone new that I meet. The problem doesn't come in until later.
Along with drinking and ocasionally hydros, I struggle off and on with an eating disorder, flucuating still through days, weeks, and even months without eating, and even purging. It's control for me, and it seems to ease the pain, though I know it really does not.
Honestly, I'm pretty screwed up. I've never had a boyfriend because I become either extrmemly possessive/clingy over a new propsect, or else I'll shrug them off completely. I yell at my friends, make irrational decisions, but can still be an amazing person, hard worker, and loyal and loving friend.
I know I should see a counselor or something, but I can't make myself do it, and I have no idea why. Does anyone else think this sounds like a personality disorder?
Answers:
Well, i was diagnosed Borderline 1 week ago, and as you say I’ve always been different to my “friends” and family. My dad has Depression and he’s maybe an alcoholic. My moods also change from one extreme to the other as yours, I feel like the most powerful, lucky, sexy, creative, intelligent girl ever, and i feel so happy wondering about my future. But suddenly i just feel like the most insignificant, powerless, reckless, stupid person in the world. I’ve tried to kill myself, and in less than an hour i am the happiest girl again. I don’t really have friends, i feel like everyone is stupid, I’m kinda antisocial. The problem is my boyfriends, I am extremely possessive with them, and I create a destructive relationship because of my mood changes and non explained irritability. I am also REALLY impulsive and i act without thinking and feeling everything is ok to do. I also get my escape on alcohol and weed sometimes. I don’t know if i could call myself bulimic, but i vomit sometimes not to get fat.
We have the same symptoms, maybe you should see a psychiatrist, i know its hard to, but i swear you will feel better. They are cooler than you can imagine, they will understand you :)
Wish you luck!
There is a strong genetic component to BiPolar--not so much to borderline.
Growing up in an abusive family/ alcoholic family pays a huge toll on a person.
it has caused your drinking, eating disorder, depression, anxiety.
You really need to see a psychiatrist and get some help.
Good luck
Dignitas" euthenasia
Yes, it does sound that way to me. Although I don't like the diagnosis of boarderline. It seems somehow negative or punishing to me. For someone to have issues like that there must be a reason
such as trauma, I believe.