What kind of person am I if I eat when I told myself I'm not supposed to?!

For many years I starved and then purged. I also was an excessive exerciser, so this isn't due to being too lazy to exercise. Then, I was what I consider to be all better (I would eat for a time and then starve when I felt the "need"). It went downhill when I returned to purging (I don't ever binge; I can feel full after a couple of bites, so I'll just purge that if that's all I've had).

I can have a semi-normal relationship with food at times, but it always scares me. I hated when I lost control of my starving. It was scary to realize that I couldn't even make myself eat (I always pictured that moment as a triumphant one, but it was scary and lonely instead. I didn't feel successful, I felt obese and crazy). So, after that experience, sometimes telling myself I can't eat certain things or that I can't eat at certain times freaks me out. I don't give in, but, I mean, what if I did? That freaks me out. Would I be weak? Blow up like an even huger balloon? Would I be an even worse person? Tons of stuff goes through my mind in those times.

For my perfectionism, I go to therapy since it gave me a breakdown awhile ago (so my mom said I had to go). It's not helping my eating problem though. She asked me if I wanted a nutritionist once, and we've never spoken of it again. I try to talk about it, but ever since I told her about something that happened when I was little, I've realized that I wasn't imagining the fact that she kind of ignores anything I really need help with--I just wanted her to tell me I wasn't a freak as a child for what happened, but, instead, she started talking about something else, after she was the one who repeatedly asked me if I'd been sexually absurd. It's completely my fault, NOT hers, I'm just not sure what I'm doing wrong in therapy (I NEVER used to tell her anything, but now I'm starting to really regret trying to be honest with her). Anyway, I'm kind of scared, just because it's been so many years of having an eating issue at this point, and I'm not getting better. It never goes away, and I don't think self-recovery is the way to go (I've tried that). I love doing things on my own, but my eating problem is how I cope with guilt and perfectionism, and the eating issue very deeply ingrained in me (I've had the thoughts of wanting to be severely underweight right back to my earliest memories, then I engaged a little when I got older, and then I got a little bit older and turned to my eating problem full-time).

I'm going to try a new therapist, and then, if that doesn't work, quit (because then I'm obviously oversensitive and stupid for having anxiety).

What I'm wondering though is what happens if I eat when I've told myself not to or I eat something I told myself not to have? I mean, what kind of person does that make me? Also, since therapy isn't working out (I've gone for awhile as well), can people self-recover from eating problems? Maybe I just went about it wrong when I tried to do it myself.

Thank you so much.