When I have nostalgia I get EXTREMELY depressed?!

when i get depressed and start counting out the unisom in my head, its hard for me to pull back. ive suffered from clinical depression my entire life. when people used to suggest medication or shrinks, even God, i took it as the deepest of insults, as if i wasnt acceptable without change, or that people assumed i hadnt tried things like prayer. when change was threatened i would hold onto the depression as part of myself. not like, theyre jealous cause they cant feel as deep, like, theyre trying to clip my wings, the thing that defines me. i even had and still kept all the goodbye letters i wrote.
what helped me was like the same tool id use if i had a drug addiction...one more day. i used movies and books and music as getaways until everything i did would make me depressed, i could find something sad in everything, to the point of dirty dancing movie depressed me cause i enjoyed it so much as a kid....now my innocence is gone...blah freakin blah.
i started realizing that i wasnt normal and what i was feeling wasnt an isolated incident for the world, it wasnt making me special anymore, it was making me live like i already had one foot out the door, causing me to miss opportunities i didnt even know i had. ive wasted YEARS sitting where youre at.
i decided to try medication for MYSELF, didnt even tell anyone just in case they were right. for me personally, shrinks didnt really help but writing out all the ugly in a journal helped to breath ,to feel lighter. i dont open up easily and i try not to read the journal too much because i can put the ugly away when i dont need it, i dont want it haunting me.
and id be lying if i said it didnt take trying different meds and combo meds and herbs here and there to find what works for me, or that i dont worry ill have to try different stuff again when i get too used to this stuff, or that sometimes i go off of it. its still hard even now, a bunch of years later, its ok to have depression here and there, pills cant and shouldnt cure it completely cause its ok to be sad about sad things. and even though i know its my brain not producing the right stuff i still sometimes feel weak or stupid or conformist for taking it, but thats part of MY struggle. but its not your fault, it doesnt define you, and you can get help. and people will understand, the important ones anyway,theyll be happy FOR you. with you even. but i have to say, No..you havent really made it this far. you od'd, you and i are on borrowed time now, we should, for all intended purposes, be dead. this is you dying slowly, not living. every day is a desert. long, waiting, trying. make yourself a deal, try the alternative. it might just be what you didnt know you were looking for. good luck. sorry so long, just didnt want to tell you what everyone told me, i wanted to be honest about what i went through. if i can get happy, or even a few steps above where my lowest point was, than so can u. again, sorry so long.

right here with ya.

seek god, listen to christian music