I cant do this, im way too anxious and depressed to keep it up?!

Question: I cant do this, im way too anxious and depressed to keep it up?
ive been getting professional help since november and just started taking antidepressants almost 2 weeks ago and i feel as miserable as ive ever been and i want to cut so badly


Hey...I want to tell you honestly I've never cut myself, so I can't know how you feel exactly. However, I have suffered almost every major emotional trauma a human can experience in my life, and at the worst developmental ages they can happen. The basic, underlying "issue" was due to first being born to parents who didn't want me, to then watching my Grandma die (who took care of me 24/7) at the age of 2....so I had attachment & abandonment issues. I walked through the first 42 years of my life carrying unmanageable pain and didn't really know why. Pain turned to rage. I kept reaching out to anyone who I thought might be able to take that pain away and "make" me happy....down to my last husband who was extremely, extremely abusive---who did all the "cutting" for me. Why I tell you this, is because although I didn't choose your method to deal with my "issues," depression and anxiety...I had my own method that, very much like cutting, left some very deep and painful scars in my heart and mind.

If you started going to counseling in November, it's possible now you are getting into areas of your life that may hit you emotionally at a deeper level. They may be reminding you of intense pain. And it may be "reminding" you of it. I suffered "flashbacks" for most of my life when I'd get into a situation that even slightly reminded me of the pain of the original source of pain. I would then pull back, and go off and literally find an excuse in my present life that had to be the "cause," and not go back through to process the past. I suspicion this may be what you are feeling. Bringing up old issues, trying to think through them---it has the capability of literally putting you right back in that spot and it makes you feel like you are getting worse...not better.

I do not mean to assume anything about your past, that you have "issues," or anything like that. I just know this is often the case. Keep going. I know it hurts and I want you to know if the pain gets too severe, you may just "relapse." People who are on diets occasionally slip up and eat a whole cake. I hope you don't give in to that feeling of wanting to because it will make you feel like a "failure," but you aren't. If you do...don't beat yourself up and give up. Tell someone or write down what you were feeling at that moment if it happens, what was making you feel that way---so you can address that at some point when the pain isn't overwhelming to you. I'm sure the doctors and friends have told you to find another method to let the pain out...try writing, screaming, etc....try those and try combinations of them. No one method worked for me because I had 42 years stuffed inside. Just be proud of yourself that you are trying to stop dealing with what's on your mind in an unhealthy way.

All I can tell you is that emotional pain is much like ocean waves. You can think you are fine or doing better...then all of a sudden another wave crashes back over you. It's a normal part of the healing phase. I promise you from my deepest of hearts, if you keep withstanding those waves, working through the pain and anger...the waves stop crashing in so hard, so often and they become more manageable.

Good luck. You are a very strong person to even realize you need and have asked for help. You can do this.

it will take 4 weeks or more before medication will start to kick in, you need to learn distraction techniques.
As soon as you feel this coming on, do something else and focus on what you are doing. Not easy takes time and practise, but it will help.

call a hotline

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