I just dont know anymore?!


Question: I just dont know anymore?
im almost 15,Ive been clinically depressed since the beginning of 7th grade, im now entering 9th.
Ive had suicidal thoughts, and in Janurary I overdosed.
I got sent to Vista Health (mental hospital)
but it just made my depression worse because the kids at my school gave me crap about it.
Im homeschooled now, but Im still upset about the whole thing.
In feburary I almost lost my virginity to a 17 year old guy but I said no and he accepted that yet I felt like I was being pressured a little.
Ive never done drugs or drank alcohol. before 7th grade I was the "perfect child". i made straight A's, never disobeyed, never talked back to my parents or anyone else, I would have NEVER done some of the things that I have done in the last two years. My mom has been really supportive and has done everything she can to help me through this, but shes almost losing her job and cries herself to sleep.even if i dont admit it to her, it breaks me apart to see her so torn up like this and makes me even more depressed because im the cause of it. why cant i be normal again? I miss how everything used to be, and i have a feeling it will never be the same again. Im tearing my family apart, im tearing myself apart, im hurting everyone around me. i just dont know what to do anymore.):
Im starting to have suicidal thoughts again but they arent really bad like they have been before. i havent attempted suicide either ever since Janurary.
Ive lied so much to my family and I just feel trapped and so caught up in this mess that ive created..i cant get out. what do i do? should i go back to vista? please help.

Answers:

It's so difficult to answer a question when suicide is mentioned because obviously it is a life or death solution you have to come up with.
Speaking as someone who has lost a very close family member to suicide I can tell you it is not the answer in any way shape or form.
I know you are in "pain" right now but project yourself into the future and think of how your mother, who loves you from the depths of her soul, is going to feel if you kill yourself. She will NEVER get over the guilt that she will feel that she could have done something to save you. Believe me...I know.

If going back to Vista will help you then you should go immediately. It is possible to be happy in this life. Sometimes we just need guidance as what to look for in our walk.

All the best to you..you CAN turn your life around. :) :) :)



ForeverY, I think you need to grow up a little bit, you see what it's doing to ur Mom, the one person who Loves you more than Life. I think a trip to the Children's Cancer Hospital would put things into perception, there are children out there every where dying every day, how do think their Parents feel??? Look at ur own life and realize that u have a pretty good life next to these poor children, Talk with ur Mom tell her ur sorry for causing her more pain and worry, you will be surprised how ur outlook on life will change when u take a step to get ur mind off ur self and think about others feelings for a change, I wish you Luck.

Retired Nurse




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